Good news and bad news.

Side effects continue to appear. The numb fingers and toes are getting worse, mainly my fingers, and it makes holding things difficult because I can’t feel it in my hand. I keep dropping things and I feel like such a clutz. I can’t even open jars or things with lids but that’s due to lack of strength, not the numbness. I can't even wash my own hair because I can't feel the shampoo bubbles to know if it's rinsed out, and I can't shave myself because I'm scared I'll drop the razor and cut myself. I feel so helpless. It's ridiculous.
They told me the radiation would cause me to feel burning and pain when I pee (like a UTI) because the bladder is right there close to the tumor and it’s affected by the radiation. Well, that’s started to happen. Definity hurts when I pee now and all I can do is take Azo for it because it’s not really an infection. I’m bleeding again, and have been since last week.

Chemo this week was rough. Kris said he could actually see my skin change color as I was getting the chemo itself. He said I turn a green color during treatment, then a pale white afterwards, so he decided to document the before (left) and after (on the right.)

That's scary. I was sick before even leaving the building. They told me to double up on my meds and see if that helped any, so Tuesday night I was extremely doped up. Two phenergan at 6pm, a Zofran at 9, two more phenergan at midnight, Zofran at 3am, then two more phenergan at 6am. At 6am when I took the meds, I got up to make sure the kids were up for school and I felt okay, but as soon as I laid my head down on the pillow less than 2 minutes later, nausea hit me hard and that was it, we went on and started getting ready to go in for fluids and IV meds. Ridiculous. I keep telling myself only one more chemo after this, right? God, I hope so. I don't know how much more my body can take. I am trying to be strong and stay positive, but it's not working. I feel so beat down and broken. Defeated.

So now to the good news/bad news part.

After Kris took me in for fluids Weds morning, we went downstairs for radiation and Dr. Outlaw wanted to do an exam to see if the tumor is shrinking. The good news is that it is shrinking. Everything is doing its job, and it’s 33% smaller than it was when we started. She said it’s also much softer to the touch, and that the bleeding I’ve been having here recently is from the tumor dying off. She told me I’ll have more of the bleeding as it continues to die, but that it’s a good thing. Now explain that to my brain, because it tells me to panic every time I see blood.
The bad news, is that as long as I am getting external radiation, I have to continue chemo. And because of them being closed for the holidays, those radiation days got added on at the end, so now I don’t have just one more chemo left like we thought - I have three. To say I am devastated wouldn’t suffice. I cried. Ugly cried. A lot. But it is what it is, I guess. Like I said, defeated...

In other news, people haven’t stopped surprising me yet. In a good way. So many people are constantly checking on me to see if I need anything or just saying “I’m thinking of you” and it means so much. People who barely know me have sent me little things like lotions and creams to try to help with my pain and discomfort, and it brings me to tears. I have so many people, some I don’t know at all, donating to our gofundme account and some send checks in the mail to help with medical costs. The kayak fishing club we are in is hosting an online raffle and giving us all of the proceeds for my medical costs. I’ve been told that the Sea Hut, a local lounge we visit, is going to be doing some kind of benefit for me as well. It’s so overwhelming and yet so incredibly appreciated. I’m just trying to think of a way to be able to pay all of this forward someday.

I know my husband will be glad when I’m back to my normal self. He’s been doing everything that I can’t, on top of all the things he normally does, plus working a lot. If there was ever any question how he would handle the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows, the answer is clear now. He has been beyond amazing through all of this. I know it must be hard on him. I can’t imagine. Work, plus taking care of. me, plus the kids. I miss my kids. I feel like I only see them on weekends. I’m so sick during the week that I stay in my room hiding from the food smells that make me nauseous, or doped up/asleep from the nausea meds and poor Zoey is either at Sharon or Nanny’s house all week. I miss my baby girl’s cuddles. I’m ready to be a mom again. I’m ready to be a wife again. I’m just ready to feel human again. I’ll get there, because I have an awesome support system. I'm just impatient.

This week was a rollercoaster.

Usually, I've already written the blog update for the week by now, but as the title says, it was a rollercoaster.

Monday : No treatment today because they're closed for New Years Day. Today was a good day. Like a really good day. I felt somewhat normal, like my old self. Nothing hurt. No nausea. No general yuckiness. Decent amount of energy. I actually sat in the living room most of the day, got some cleaning done, stuff like that. And then night time came. Physically I was still fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. Crying into my pillow because I felt good, and I didn't want to get up in the morning and start the sickness all over again. It's so hard when you know exactly how you're going to feel. For me, it's like having the absolute worst day of morning sickness when I was pregnant PLUS the worst stomach bug I've ever had, both at the same time. It's brutal. And it's not something I look forward to intentionally putting myself through each week. But it's this or die, so options are shitty either way. I don't want to feel this way. The constant freezing is awful, but chemo days are worse because I may as well just go lay in snow naked because I imagine that's what this is like. It's gotten to the point where I sleep in thick leggings, a long sleeve shirt, a fleece hoodie, wool socks, under a quilt and an extra blanket, and a space heater on my side of the bed pointing at me because even with all of that, I'm still freezing. Poor Kris sleeps in nearly nothing, on top of the covers, with the fan on him because I'm burning him up. Sometimes he sleeps on the couch instead because it's entirely too hot in the bedroom for him. He doesn't see how I can be cold. I take my own blanket to chemo because the ones they give me there just don't keep me warm.

Tuesday : Chemo day. Kris had night shift last night, so he gets home from work at 7:15am, eats breakfast and we're out the door. Signed in for chemo at 7:45am. I just looked out my car window and cried all the way there. I don’t know if Kris knows that. If he did, he spared my feelings and didn’t say anything about it. But I mean damn, it's hard. It's so hard to go in there and no exactly how I'm going to feel later. Like getting on a plan that you know is going to crash, but you have to get on it anyway.
Today we got the corner nook (my fav) and they put an older couple in there with us. The wife was getting chemo and she was having a rough of a time as I am with it, as far as side effects. Metallic taste in mouth, can't stomach most foods anymore. Smells make me nauseous. I'll want some food, but then I smell it and can't eat it. I can't even eat from metal forks and spoons. Kris bought me a pink plastic fork and spoon set to use. He's so sweet, thinking of the little things. We finished chemo, went down for radiation, and got home around 4:30pm.Poor Kris was able to get a tiny little cat-nap in, and then he had to leave for work again at 6pm. I hate this for him. He shouldn't have to deal with this. I saw a girl wearing tall Ugg boots with the fur inside them She was also getting chemo and I caught myself dreaming of how warm her feet must be in those, so I've decided to return some Tieks and buy some Ugg boots instead. Maybe that will help prevent invisible frostbite on my toes. I can't feel my toes (neuropathy) so I don't know but just the slight hope that they could keep my feet warm is worth it.

Wednesday : To my surprise, I didn't get sick last night! I seem to be doing a little better and better each week. I'm still taking nausea meds every 3 hours around the clock, still setting my alarm at night to wake up and take them. But then I got in the shower, and got dizzy when I was getting out. My ears started ringing, which happens all the time now. I also have sensory issues. I can't feel my fingers, sometimes I can't feel certain spots on my legs. I drove myself to the doctor today for radiation, and to see Dr. Outlaw. I talked to her about the new side effects today after radiation and she said that it's normal. It's funny what 'normal' is now. I don't think it's normal at all to touch your body and not be able to feel it at all. Anyway, after the shower making me dizzy and everything, nausea kicked in and I couldn't shake it, and I knew I couldn't drive myself home. So after I did radiation, I went back upstairs for fluids and to get some Zofran in my picc. By then, Kris was awake, so he drove out to meet me and then took me to lunch. I ordered a caesar salad, a bowl of potato soup, some rolls, and a pink lemonade. Couldn't eat the salad (but it tasted really good!) and the lemonade was too sweet. I managed to eat all of the soup and a roll. I'll consider it a small win. Stomach felt gross the rest of the day, and I was exhausted and felt like I was walking around in a fog, but again, that's my new normal. It's not puking, so I'll take it.

Thursday : Woke up feeling gross. Got a shower, got dizzy again, actually threw up this time. Stomach grossness increased. Kris is off today, so he and Zoey drove me to radiation and then we were going to go to the grocery store. (Sadly, I was excited about that.) My 15 minute radiation appt at 10:45 turned into some big stupid ordeal over another ghost fart. Apparently I am a really gassy person. She can't do my radiation because of a big air bubble. Told me to go walk for about 10 minutes and do some squats (are you kidding me??) and try to pass it. I did that as best as I could to my ability, she took me back, did another scan, says air bubble is even bigger now. Tells me to go get some lunch and go to walgreens and buy some Gas-X and come back at 1:15. Well, I can't stomach 90% of foods right now, so eating didn't work. I got some fries but they were so soggy and I just couldn't eat them, and ended up sick feeling. Took the Gas-X, then had to drink the 30 oz of water (again) required to fill my bladder in order to get radiation. (Bladder has to be full because it pushes the tumor into a certain position to receive treatment.) So now I've smelled all this food, but ate none of it, drank tons of water and ate Gas-X so I'm nauseous again and have stressed myself into a bad headache. Needless to say, I got radiation and ended up in the bed while he went to the store without me. To a normal healthy person, on a normal day, 30 oz of water is nothing. To me, in this current state of constant dehydration and sickness, drinking 30 oz of water is the equivalent of a healthy person guzzling an entire keg real quick.

Friday : Radiation isn't until 3pm today, so I stayed in bed until noon. Can't shake this headache. I know it's just stress, but man. So much to remember. Meds every 3 hours, but remember which one's turn it is to take. Don't forget to take gas-x 30 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to drink 30 oz of water 20 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to put your sleeve on before getting in the shower. Don't make the water too hot or you'll get dizzy again. Too much. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard sometimes. Today wasn't entirely terrible though. Got through radiation without air bubbles, kids got report cards and got all As, of course. I didn't even know it was report card time. I feel like such a shit mom lately. I miss my kids, even if they do annoy me sometimes. Kris told me in bed that it's okay if I cry. I told him I only do that when no one is around to see it. They think I'm strong. Man, if they only knew. But I'll hide everything s much as I can and keep letting them think it. But I don't think I realized how much I needed to hear that. I keep trying so hard to be strong and be tough and it doesn't always work, but I still try. When people text me and ask how I'm feeling, I just say "I'm hanging in there" or "could be worse" because I don't want to be that person. But I kinda am that person, even if it's hard to admit it to myself. I just miss my life. I miss walking into the kitchen and eating or drinking whatever I want to. Or just the general feeling of not feeling like I'm getting over a nasty stomach virus that doesn't exist.

Today is Saturday, and **knock on wood** I feel good. Ate scrambled eggs and grits for breakfast, survived the shower with no dizziness or anything, and my stomach is only slightly gross feeling. It's definitely got the makings of a good day. Kylie just made herself a grilled cheese and I didn't even get nauseous, so fingers crossed it stays this way!

So here's what's left: a few more chemo treatments, 2 more weeks of external radiation, then 2 weeks of internal radiation, and 3 immunotherapy treatments. The chemo is the killer (which is ironic since it's also what's saving my life) and what's causing all the side effects. Once it's over, I'll be better off. I've just got to keep pushing through. I'm doing my very best.

Second chemo under the belt

Finally enough energy to check in and make an updated post. I hope everyone had a great Christmas.

Christmas Eve : I put the smaller two kids in bed at 9, and went to bed myself so I could have plenty of energy for Christmas morning. Riley was spending the night with us, so he and Kylie stayed up watching tv for a while longer. When we all got up the next morning to see what Santa left and do presents, I tried to be as normal as possible for them. Bouncing around, passing out gifts to everyone, scooping up wrapping paper and empty boxes along the way. You know how it is. By 9:30am, I was exhausted. Energy completely depleted. I rested after that for a bit and was feeling better. Sharon came over and cooked here, which sucked. I know she was trying to help since I couldn't get out, but her perfume was soooo strong and it was making me extremely nauseous even though I was taking my phenergan and zofran every 3 hours. I went and doubled up on it, and as soon as the nausea from the perfume smell subsided, the smells from all the food cooking turned my stomach again. I was trying super hard not to complain, because it's not her fault. My nose is just incredibly sensitive to smells now since I've started chemo and I HATE it. I found the peppermint oil Ashley gave me and kept sniffing it and that helped a ton, and was able to eat two small plates of ham, dressing, and green beans. That’s probably the most I’ve eaten in over a week. Seriously. Nanny took the two small kids home with her since I had chemo again the next day, and the two older kids went to their dads. Kris had to work night shift, so I was home alone and just went to bed.

Tuesday : Chemo again. Arrived at 7:45. Things went pretty smoothly today. Orders came out fine from the pharmacy and we were out of there by 1:30! Then went downstairs to radiation. This was my 5th radiation treatment by now. It’s super fast. Maybe 15 minutes tops, and that’s from sign-in at the desk to walking out the door to go home. Several people ask what it’s like. For this external radiation, I don’t feel anything. I take off my shoes, then lay on the bed in the mold they made of my body. Then they pull my pants and underwear down past my hips a few inches, and they line up the three X’s they’ve drawn on my hips and pelvis and then they send me into the donut. Take a picture with the CT scan to make sure everything is lined up, then radiation starts. It sounds like the engine of a motorcycle. That part last maybe 2 minutes. Then it slides me out, they pull up my pants and send me on my way. I don’t feel the radiation going into me but I do feel the effects. I can’t wear jeans. My skin is super irritated. I don’t like for it to be touched. It feels like a sunburn, but you can't see it. Jeans feel way too tight and uncomfortable even though I’ve lost 5 pounds already. So I’ve just been wearing leggings, but even those have to be pushed down pretty far so they’re not touching my stomach. It’s weird. I haven’t had any diarrhea or constipation yet, but they say I will. The most side effects are from the chemo. Dry mouth, even when drinking. Nausea, so much nausea. I’m currently taking Zofran and Phenergan, alternating them every 3 hours. Even at night, I set the alarm on my watch and wake up to take it because if I don’t, I’m in serious trouble.

This chemo went well. I even ate real food afterwards. Still only drinking water, Powerade and juice. I haven’t had a Dr Pepper in almost 2 weeks and I don’t even want one. Anyway, I did great all yesterday. Woke up today queasy, which quickly turned to nausea and dry heaving. So Kris’s mom took Zoey to Nan’s house and she came to drive me in for radiation. On the way, I called and got it set up to get some fluids in me. I do not want a repeat of last week. But in comparison, I was already doing better today. This time last week, I was puking nonstop and laying in the bathroom floor convinced I was dying, and I didn’t even care. Not today. Today I went and got the fluids and more meds to get help before it got to that point. It’s 8:50pm now and I’ve been able to eat a half bowl of ramen noodles, a banana and some pretzels, so that’s progress. I feel okay right now. No nausea, but my body is very tired. But again - MUCH better now than I was this time last week. I just keep telling myself I can do this.

My first chemo and radiation...

They called Monday evening to let me know I was on for treatments so on Tuesday, I was all set for my first chemo and radiation.
Kris and I got there at 9am for chemo, as instructed. There were so many delays once we got in the infusion room. It's a giant room with 30-something "stations' as I called them. Each station has an awesome reclining chairs for the chemo patient, a regular chair for one person to accompany each patient, along with a small table area that has a small tv and a set of headphones. We got put in the corner nook, which only had two stations and neither one had a tv, which was fine. I had packed a bag of things Pinterest said I needed: my phone, my ipad and earbuds, a coloring book and color pencils, a notebook, a deck of cards, some snacks, and most importantly, Kris. The lady who was in the nook with us in the other chair had the same diagnosis as me, and was surprisingly receiving the exact same treatment plan as me. It was also her first day! (There were no delays for her though, so she got out much faster than us.)
I was a bundle of nerves when they started hanging bags on my IV pole. I was excited that this was starting, because that meant I was going to be one day closer to the end. I was sad because getting treatment made it real. Because in this big room, everyone in here was here for the same reason. We all have cancer of some kind or another. Some better than me, but some way worse than me. I was also determined not to feel sorry for myself, or allow myself to get sick or complain. Sis did this. I can too. I didn't get sleepy like I was told I would. Probably too many emotions to get sleepy. Same with when the chemo itself was finally going in. I expected to feel it somehow, to feel different, but I didn't. I felt the same. I had this thing on lock.

We finally finished in the infusion room at 4:15pm and went downstairs for radiation. I expected to feel that too. Pain maybe, or heat, or something. I'm not sure what. But you feel nothing at all. It's over before you know it. Finally, time to go home. I was convinced I had this under control. I was told to chug water like my life depended on it starting Sunday, and I did. I chugged all day Monday and even Tuesday while I was there getting treatment. Going to pee every 30 minutes. I was staying hydrated!

We got home at 6pm, Keri stopped by and I was fine then. I wish I could say I stayed fine but I didn’t. Around 8pm, it hit me and it hit hard. I was so nauseous and the Zofran wasn’t helping. It made it worse. I kept dry heaving. They gave me a steroids during chemo to prevent my body from puking and I swear, it was pure torture. Around 1am, I gave up and took my blanket and pillow into the bathroom and laid in the bathroom floor crying and dry heaving. Then when the steroid wore off around 4am, I couldn’t stop throwing up. I couldn’t hold down a single sip of water or Powerade, no matter how small the sip was. I’ve never in my life been so sick. My stomach hurt so bad. My head was throbbing. I was so nauseous. It was like being pregnant with morning sickness and having the flu all at the same time. I felt like I was dying. No lie.

Yesterday was a blur. I missed my 10:45 radiation appt because I was still throwing up and at that point, couldn’t even lay flat. At some point, Kris took me in and I got fluids, then went downstairs for radiation. I barely remember any of it. I remember someone asking me questions and thinking to myself, “I should know the answer to this” but I didn’t. I couldn’t even piece together a sentence in my head. Nothing made sense. It was taking everything I had to hold my eyes open. Even after getting fluids, I was still very nauseous on the way home and they told me that this wouldn’t even be the worst of it, that the 2nd and 3rd day after chemo is the worst and I just recall thinking I can’t do this, I just can’t. They called me in some phenergan and Kris picked it up for me. Between alternating that and the zofran, I managed to eat a whole piece of toast last night around 11.

Another thing about chemo is it's cold. Like not the chemo itself, but me. It makes me cold. Freezing, like I can't even describe. I can be wearing pants and a hoodie and thick socks and shoes and I'm still huddled up in a blanket. At night, I slept with and extra blanket on my side because I was so cold, even though I was wearing thick pajama pants and socks too. It's insane.

Today, I was able to eat a little bit of scrambled eggs and a half piece of bacon for breakfast, then off to radiation. I am back home now and back into my pajamas because the radiation irritates my skin. I can’t wear jeans without it somewhat hurting. I can’t explain it. So I wear real clothes there and then come home and change. I am eating chicken noodle soup as I type this. I’m still pretty weak and tired. We are staying on top of the nausea meds. Kris set alarms all night to wake up and make me take them. He says I didn’t put up a fight. I don’t know. I didn’t even look at my phone the last couple days until I was getting ready for radiation this morning. I even took off my watch because all the vibrations were annoying me. I didn’t want to be touched or feel any movement.

I hope this blog made sense. I am still pretty woozy and disoriented feeling. I’m just going to stick to soups and bland stuff til I figure out a pattern to this.

No rest for the wicked.

I’m like a zombie today. I spent the night at the ER due to some weird things going on.
Let me rewind.
You know from the last update that I got my picc line put in Tuesday. Well, I was fine that night. Groggy from the meds, but fine. Woke up around 3am bad, bad nauseous but didn’t throw up. Woke back up at 6 to get the kids up, but still felt sick, so Kris got them up and off to school. Then woke back up at 8:30ish. The nausea was gone, but my chest was hurting. It felt like someone was sitting on it. That feeling was constant, and then throw in some sharp pains here and there. I also had some times when my heart would start racing and fluttering and I had trouble breathing. It was super weird and to be honest, pretty scary. I figured it was just my body trying to adjust to having the picc line in, and that it would get better. Well, it didn’t. Just putting laundry into the dryer caused me to be completely out of breath, as if I had run 5 miles. (This is pure speculation because I’m lazy and I’ve never ran a full 5 miles, but I imagine this is what my breathing would be like.)

Kris asked me a question and I couldn’t talk louder than a whisper. I was freaking out a little, but since he had to work, I didn’t want to tell him that and have him spaz.

Fast forward, it’s after 8pm, nothing is better. I ask for some advice online from my nurse friends, and everyone says to go get my picc checked. Sharon (Kris’s mom) sees it and arranged to have Nanny come stay with the kids so she can drive me. They did an EKG, drew blood for labs, chest X-rays, and a CT scan and determined that I have Hypolakemia (low potassium) causing the irregular heartbeats and palpitations. No real explanation for my chest pains, except possible panic attack. Not sure about that because (1) do panic attacks typically last all day long? I would think not but I don’t know. (2) I had no reason to feel panicked or stressed. Not until after I had chest pains and couldn’t breathe. But the most important part is that the picc line was exactly where it was supposed to be. No leaks, no air bubbles, blood clots, embolisms, etc and that was the concern with everyone - they thought maybe it had shifted or got air or a clot. But all is well there. We finally got discharged and got home at 4am. Then back up at 6 to get the kids to school, then obviously I laid back down. So happy to have Zoey be a kid that sleeps late.
Oh and all the while, my poor husband never had a clue. He was at work. If I had told him I was going in, he would have tried to leave work and I didn’t need that. I was in good hands.

Shout outs to the following:
* Sharon & Nanny, for ALWAYS being there no matter what time it is.
* Morgan, for being the first to jump in to answer any questions and check on me today.
* Zac, for jumping in to help out and get advice from Megan (thanks to Megan as well!) and checking in on me this morning.
* Sarah & Ashlee, both for checking on me last night & offering to help.
**All of the above, for not making me feel stupid about it, and for also not telling Kris where I was. No need to worry him at work if it turns out to be nothing, like it did.

Very productive day. Also, farts are funny.

Yesterday was a big (and long) day. But also a very productive one!

9am - sign in and get paperwork done for picc line.

10:30am - PICC line is in!

They numbed it, so I didn’t feel a thing at the time but it was sore once the meds wore off. If you don’t know what that is, PICC stands for “Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter” and it’s basically a permanent IV. It goes into my lower arm by my elbow and up through my upper arm, then down to my heart. See photo:

I’ll get my medications and chemotherapy through it, and when they draw blood, they’ll use it. It prevents me from having to get an IV every visit or getting poked 857 times when they draw my blood. It will stay in my arm for the next 7 weeks, at least. I can’t get it wet, so I had to buy a special neoprene shower sleeve thing from Amazon for showers. $30, but it’ll be worth it if it works. (Update - used it this morning to shower and it works great! My arm was dry as a bone!)

Left a little after 11 and got some quick lunch, then headed to next appointment at the cancer center.

12:00 - Labwork. They drew a lot of blood. Like, a lot a lot. Kris’s eyes kept getting bigger and bigger. They did it through the picc line, which was nice already not getting stuck again.

1:00pm - Radiation dept for the body mold.

Y’all, this one is going to be a little graphic (but funny) so if “tmi” isn’t your thing, I’d skip this part....
I had to lay on a table on what looked like deflated pool floats. They move my body parts around til they’re exactly like they want them, then the stuff I’m laying on inflates around me and feels super weird, but immediately hardens. It reminded me of the stuff you spray around the AC window units. Then they come pull my pants down about 6 inches and draw a black X in several spots and put some button things on them (one has already fallen off, oops) to show exactly where the beams need to be aimed I guess, and then they turn the lights down real dim and send me up into the radiation tube thing (same thing you get a CT Scan in) to do a simulation to make sure everything is where it needs to be.
So here’s where it gets funny. They run me in and out a few times and then come back into the room and this conversation happens:

Lab tech 1: Mrs. Adams, we have a problem.
Me: Okay... what’s wrong?
Lab tech 1: You have an air pocket in your rectum. We need to remove it.
Me: I have a what now??
Lab tech 2 (Nicole): You have an air bubble in your rectum.
Me: Are you saying I have a ghost fart?
Nicole: (laughs) Yes ma’am, you can call it that.
Nurse 1: Dr. Outlaw is bringing a catheter to remove it so we can proceed.

Dr. Outlaw shows up, and because I’m laying in a body mold and can’t move, they have to lift me up, pull my pants and underwear down to my knees. Then they turn on all the lights and put a lubed catheter in my butt and manually remove this so-called air pocket. I tell them this is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever experienced, and they could have at least left the lights all dim and romantic for this violation. Nicole and the other nurse’s eyes are big as saucers and they’re trying hard not to laugh. It’s dead silent. I ask what’s so funny. She said it happens a lot and sometimes when the catheter is removed, there’s a loud sound and they are waiting for it to happen. Y’all. I can’t even make this stuff up! I’ve never had someone manually remove a fart from my body. But there’s a first time for everything. Being the kind of person I am, I couldn’t wait to tell Kris. I’m so glad he embraces my weirdness and laughs with me about these things. Nicole just shook her head as I’m telling the story. She probably thinks I'm weird. She's right. She just doesn't know it yet.

2:00pm - Biopsy with Dr. Scalici.

Yep, more biopsies. She had to cut 7 individual pieces of my tumor off for the trial. Apparently I bled a lot or something, they (several people were in the room) kept asking me if I was okay over and over, telling me I was a trooper, and one hugged me when it was over and said I was the best biopsy patient ever. It hurt like a bitch but it had to be done. Except, technically, it didn’t. I agreed to the trial. I didn’t have to do this but like I said before, if this trial helps them find new ways to treat this and help other people in the future, then I’m doing it. Then they slathered my inner vag with that peanut butter stuff (still don’t know the actual name of it) that stops the bleeding and let me get dressed.

I’ll finally be starting chemo Tuesday. I go in Monday morning for ‘chemo class’ and bloodwork, then show up Tuesday for my first chemo. Pretty sure I’ll start radiation then as well.

The journey begins!

Hurry up and wait.

Hurry up and wait. That’s how it feels lately. Today was eventful, but at the same time, NOT eventful.

Kris got to come with me today. As soon as we walked in the first set of doors, the greeter (Dottie) jumped off her stool and said, “Hey, wait a minute!” and ran up to hug us both and told us to have a great day. Now that is how you greet someone! We were also hugged by a few other staff members throughout the day. I have yet to interact with someone there that wasn’t super nice and loving.

Met with my coordinator (Joanie) for the clinical trial today, and then had several tubes of blood drawn for the trial research. She confirmed I’d be getting the PICC line and said she’s going to get the appointment scheduled to go on and have it done.

Then met with Angel (who also loves to give hugs!) and Dr. Outlaw, who will be doing my radiation treatments. They did another vaginal (and rectal) exam. Everyone wants to meet Barb. (Barb is what I named my tumor. Read my previous blog post titled Barb if you don’t understand.) I joked with Kris that I’m getting real tired of people going up in my lady parts and up in the back door without buying me dinner, but what can ya do?

Then we went over all the details of my radiation: every weekday, Monday through Friday, for 5-6 weeks for the external radiation. Then two weeks of internal radiation called Brachytherapy, but I’m not going into those details today because all that comes after the external radiation has been completed. The external radiation visits will be 30-45 minutes each. The radiation itself is about 20 minutes. I’ll have to lay on the table inside what’s basically a body cast made from a mold of my own body. This is done to make sure I’m in exactly the same position each time, and that I can’t move during treatment. Makes sense. We went over side effects too. Because my cancer is in the cervix, everything in and closely surrounding my pelvic area will be affected by the radiation. Because the bladder is in front of the cervix, I’ll have burning and irritation that makes me feel like I have a bladder infection. Because the rectum is behind the cervix, I’ll have irritation there, but nothing that Imodium can’t fix. The intestines are close by, so they’ll be affected as well, and that results in diarrhea (can I get a double shot of Imodium?) and of course nausea and vomiting. The treatments in general will cause fatigue and she stressed to not try to do too much and always let her know about nausea immediately. On the bright side, she said all of my hair down there will fall out, so at least I don’t have to bother with landscaping my ladybits for a while. Score!! Then there’s the obvious side effect of dry, irritated skin at the site of the radiation. No baths, only showers. And she said I have to dry my area down there with a blow-dryer instead of drying it with a towel. Something about it preventing infection. The thought of blowdrying my hoo-ha with a hair dryer is cracking me up. That would make for a hilarious Amazon review, am I right?

Before radiation treatments can start, they have to send the plan to my insurance company and get their approval, which can take 3-5 business days. Once it’s approved, I’ll go in to do a simulation of the radiation and they'll make my body mold. And then, it takes a few days for them to get everything ready for the mold itself and to figure out my exact radiation amount and allow time for the doctor to tweak it until it’s exactly what she wants. So basically, it’s another week and a half to two weeks before treatment starts, at least for radiation anyway. Hence the title, hurry up and wait. Sigh. But at least I can drive myself to/from radiation, as long as nausea is kept under control. (I’m not allowed to drive myself to/from chemo.)

The question everyone keeps texting me and asking: How do I feel? Here’s the thing. I’ll always say fine, because not only does it seem like a good response to a vague question, but mostly because I don’t want to unload on people. That’s what this blog is for. So this is where I wrote how I really feel. If you have specific questions to ask, I’ll answer those. I have no problem answering anything, anytime. (Are you nauseous today? How’s the bleeding? Does anything hurt?)
So for the real answer... I’m nervous, but not scared. Yet, anyway. I’m mostly ready to just start. I’m tired of gushing blood. Tired of cramps and stabbing pains in my pelvis. Tired of feeling lightening bolts zapping around in my hooha. (I’m told this is because my tumor is growing sideways and it’s causing my cervix to dilate, the same as when you’re in labor to give birth. Awkward...) Tired of not knowing when this will start because I can’t plan holidays or events or anything on any days because I don’t know if I’ll be feeling sick or half dead on whatever day. We have 5 birthday party invitations on the fridge and a couple more on Facebook, all of which I can’t RSVP to because I just don’t know. It sucks, but my doctors seem to have a fantastic plan to prevent all the nausea and vomiting from happening, so I’m staying optimistic, but still cautious when RSVPing to events.

I did get get my flu shot the other day like I was told. The same day, Kris went to urgent care because of an upper respiratory infection. He got his flu shot too, and 3 prescriptions of meds. Then yesterday Zoey woke up snotty and stuffy and running a fever. So much for staying away from sick people. Pretty sure hers is just her sinuses from this stupid weather. 38 degrees in the mornings, 75 by lunch. Ridiculous.

So anyway, that’s where I stand today. I feel like I’m forgetting something. There’s always so much information to take in and it always leaves me mentally exhausted and with a bad headache. I’ll update again when/if I remember.

If if you’re still with me reading this, sorry it’s so long. I write more details than you probably want to know because I also post this for myself to help me remember everything.