Good news and bad news.

Side effects continue to appear. The numb fingers and toes are getting worse, mainly my fingers, and it makes holding things difficult because I can’t feel it in my hand. I keep dropping things and I feel like such a clutz. I can’t even open jars or things with lids but that’s due to lack of strength, not the numbness. I can't even wash my own hair because I can't feel the shampoo bubbles to know if it's rinsed out, and I can't shave myself because I'm scared I'll drop the razor and cut myself. I feel so helpless. It's ridiculous.
They told me the radiation would cause me to feel burning and pain when I pee (like a UTI) because the bladder is right there close to the tumor and it’s affected by the radiation. Well, that’s started to happen. Definity hurts when I pee now and all I can do is take Azo for it because it’s not really an infection. I’m bleeding again, and have been since last week.

Chemo this week was rough. Kris said he could actually see my skin change color as I was getting the chemo itself. He said I turn a green color during treatment, then a pale white afterwards, so he decided to document the before (left) and after (on the right.)

That's scary. I was sick before even leaving the building. They told me to double up on my meds and see if that helped any, so Tuesday night I was extremely doped up. Two phenergan at 6pm, a Zofran at 9, two more phenergan at midnight, Zofran at 3am, then two more phenergan at 6am. At 6am when I took the meds, I got up to make sure the kids were up for school and I felt okay, but as soon as I laid my head down on the pillow less than 2 minutes later, nausea hit me hard and that was it, we went on and started getting ready to go in for fluids and IV meds. Ridiculous. I keep telling myself only one more chemo after this, right? God, I hope so. I don't know how much more my body can take. I am trying to be strong and stay positive, but it's not working. I feel so beat down and broken. Defeated.

So now to the good news/bad news part.

After Kris took me in for fluids Weds morning, we went downstairs for radiation and Dr. Outlaw wanted to do an exam to see if the tumor is shrinking. The good news is that it is shrinking. Everything is doing its job, and it’s 33% smaller than it was when we started. She said it’s also much softer to the touch, and that the bleeding I’ve been having here recently is from the tumor dying off. She told me I’ll have more of the bleeding as it continues to die, but that it’s a good thing. Now explain that to my brain, because it tells me to panic every time I see blood.
The bad news, is that as long as I am getting external radiation, I have to continue chemo. And because of them being closed for the holidays, those radiation days got added on at the end, so now I don’t have just one more chemo left like we thought - I have three. To say I am devastated wouldn’t suffice. I cried. Ugly cried. A lot. But it is what it is, I guess. Like I said, defeated...

In other news, people haven’t stopped surprising me yet. In a good way. So many people are constantly checking on me to see if I need anything or just saying “I’m thinking of you” and it means so much. People who barely know me have sent me little things like lotions and creams to try to help with my pain and discomfort, and it brings me to tears. I have so many people, some I don’t know at all, donating to our gofundme account and some send checks in the mail to help with medical costs. The kayak fishing club we are in is hosting an online raffle and giving us all of the proceeds for my medical costs. I’ve been told that the Sea Hut, a local lounge we visit, is going to be doing some kind of benefit for me as well. It’s so overwhelming and yet so incredibly appreciated. I’m just trying to think of a way to be able to pay all of this forward someday.

I know my husband will be glad when I’m back to my normal self. He’s been doing everything that I can’t, on top of all the things he normally does, plus working a lot. If there was ever any question how he would handle the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows, the answer is clear now. He has been beyond amazing through all of this. I know it must be hard on him. I can’t imagine. Work, plus taking care of. me, plus the kids. I miss my kids. I feel like I only see them on weekends. I’m so sick during the week that I stay in my room hiding from the food smells that make me nauseous, or doped up/asleep from the nausea meds and poor Zoey is either at Sharon or Nanny’s house all week. I miss my baby girl’s cuddles. I’m ready to be a mom again. I’m ready to be a wife again. I’m just ready to feel human again. I’ll get there, because I have an awesome support system. I'm just impatient.