This week was a rollercoaster.

Usually, I've already written the blog update for the week by now, but as the title says, it was a rollercoaster.

Monday : No treatment today because they're closed for New Years Day. Today was a good day. Like a really good day. I felt somewhat normal, like my old self. Nothing hurt. No nausea. No general yuckiness. Decent amount of energy. I actually sat in the living room most of the day, got some cleaning done, stuff like that. And then night time came. Physically I was still fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. Crying into my pillow because I felt good, and I didn't want to get up in the morning and start the sickness all over again. It's so hard when you know exactly how you're going to feel. For me, it's like having the absolute worst day of morning sickness when I was pregnant PLUS the worst stomach bug I've ever had, both at the same time. It's brutal. And it's not something I look forward to intentionally putting myself through each week. But it's this or die, so options are shitty either way. I don't want to feel this way. The constant freezing is awful, but chemo days are worse because I may as well just go lay in snow naked because I imagine that's what this is like. It's gotten to the point where I sleep in thick leggings, a long sleeve shirt, a fleece hoodie, wool socks, under a quilt and an extra blanket, and a space heater on my side of the bed pointing at me because even with all of that, I'm still freezing. Poor Kris sleeps in nearly nothing, on top of the covers, with the fan on him because I'm burning him up. Sometimes he sleeps on the couch instead because it's entirely too hot in the bedroom for him. He doesn't see how I can be cold. I take my own blanket to chemo because the ones they give me there just don't keep me warm.

Tuesday : Chemo day. Kris had night shift last night, so he gets home from work at 7:15am, eats breakfast and we're out the door. Signed in for chemo at 7:45am. I just looked out my car window and cried all the way there. I don’t know if Kris knows that. If he did, he spared my feelings and didn’t say anything about it. But I mean damn, it's hard. It's so hard to go in there and no exactly how I'm going to feel later. Like getting on a plan that you know is going to crash, but you have to get on it anyway.
Today we got the corner nook (my fav) and they put an older couple in there with us. The wife was getting chemo and she was having a rough of a time as I am with it, as far as side effects. Metallic taste in mouth, can't stomach most foods anymore. Smells make me nauseous. I'll want some food, but then I smell it and can't eat it. I can't even eat from metal forks and spoons. Kris bought me a pink plastic fork and spoon set to use. He's so sweet, thinking of the little things. We finished chemo, went down for radiation, and got home around 4:30pm.Poor Kris was able to get a tiny little cat-nap in, and then he had to leave for work again at 6pm. I hate this for him. He shouldn't have to deal with this. I saw a girl wearing tall Ugg boots with the fur inside them She was also getting chemo and I caught myself dreaming of how warm her feet must be in those, so I've decided to return some Tieks and buy some Ugg boots instead. Maybe that will help prevent invisible frostbite on my toes. I can't feel my toes (neuropathy) so I don't know but just the slight hope that they could keep my feet warm is worth it.

Wednesday : To my surprise, I didn't get sick last night! I seem to be doing a little better and better each week. I'm still taking nausea meds every 3 hours around the clock, still setting my alarm at night to wake up and take them. But then I got in the shower, and got dizzy when I was getting out. My ears started ringing, which happens all the time now. I also have sensory issues. I can't feel my fingers, sometimes I can't feel certain spots on my legs. I drove myself to the doctor today for radiation, and to see Dr. Outlaw. I talked to her about the new side effects today after radiation and she said that it's normal. It's funny what 'normal' is now. I don't think it's normal at all to touch your body and not be able to feel it at all. Anyway, after the shower making me dizzy and everything, nausea kicked in and I couldn't shake it, and I knew I couldn't drive myself home. So after I did radiation, I went back upstairs for fluids and to get some Zofran in my picc. By then, Kris was awake, so he drove out to meet me and then took me to lunch. I ordered a caesar salad, a bowl of potato soup, some rolls, and a pink lemonade. Couldn't eat the salad (but it tasted really good!) and the lemonade was too sweet. I managed to eat all of the soup and a roll. I'll consider it a small win. Stomach felt gross the rest of the day, and I was exhausted and felt like I was walking around in a fog, but again, that's my new normal. It's not puking, so I'll take it.

Thursday : Woke up feeling gross. Got a shower, got dizzy again, actually threw up this time. Stomach grossness increased. Kris is off today, so he and Zoey drove me to radiation and then we were going to go to the grocery store. (Sadly, I was excited about that.) My 15 minute radiation appt at 10:45 turned into some big stupid ordeal over another ghost fart. Apparently I am a really gassy person. She can't do my radiation because of a big air bubble. Told me to go walk for about 10 minutes and do some squats (are you kidding me??) and try to pass it. I did that as best as I could to my ability, she took me back, did another scan, says air bubble is even bigger now. Tells me to go get some lunch and go to walgreens and buy some Gas-X and come back at 1:15. Well, I can't stomach 90% of foods right now, so eating didn't work. I got some fries but they were so soggy and I just couldn't eat them, and ended up sick feeling. Took the Gas-X, then had to drink the 30 oz of water (again) required to fill my bladder in order to get radiation. (Bladder has to be full because it pushes the tumor into a certain position to receive treatment.) So now I've smelled all this food, but ate none of it, drank tons of water and ate Gas-X so I'm nauseous again and have stressed myself into a bad headache. Needless to say, I got radiation and ended up in the bed while he went to the store without me. To a normal healthy person, on a normal day, 30 oz of water is nothing. To me, in this current state of constant dehydration and sickness, drinking 30 oz of water is the equivalent of a healthy person guzzling an entire keg real quick.

Friday : Radiation isn't until 3pm today, so I stayed in bed until noon. Can't shake this headache. I know it's just stress, but man. So much to remember. Meds every 3 hours, but remember which one's turn it is to take. Don't forget to take gas-x 30 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to drink 30 oz of water 20 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to put your sleeve on before getting in the shower. Don't make the water too hot or you'll get dizzy again. Too much. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard sometimes. Today wasn't entirely terrible though. Got through radiation without air bubbles, kids got report cards and got all As, of course. I didn't even know it was report card time. I feel like such a shit mom lately. I miss my kids, even if they do annoy me sometimes. Kris told me in bed that it's okay if I cry. I told him I only do that when no one is around to see it. They think I'm strong. Man, if they only knew. But I'll hide everything s much as I can and keep letting them think it. But I don't think I realized how much I needed to hear that. I keep trying so hard to be strong and be tough and it doesn't always work, but I still try. When people text me and ask how I'm feeling, I just say "I'm hanging in there" or "could be worse" because I don't want to be that person. But I kinda am that person, even if it's hard to admit it to myself. I just miss my life. I miss walking into the kitchen and eating or drinking whatever I want to. Or just the general feeling of not feeling like I'm getting over a nasty stomach virus that doesn't exist.

Today is Saturday, and **knock on wood** I feel good. Ate scrambled eggs and grits for breakfast, survived the shower with no dizziness or anything, and my stomach is only slightly gross feeling. It's definitely got the makings of a good day. Kylie just made herself a grilled cheese and I didn't even get nauseous, so fingers crossed it stays this way!

So here's what's left: a few more chemo treatments, 2 more weeks of external radiation, then 2 weeks of internal radiation, and 3 immunotherapy treatments. The chemo is the killer (which is ironic since it's also what's saving my life) and what's causing all the side effects. Once it's over, I'll be better off. I've just got to keep pushing through. I'm doing my very best.