Oh my life is such a mess. I hate it. I've been getting NO sleep since Kylie's been out of daycare. Yes, it's cheaper and well, free obviously. But I'm getting no sleep and I lose my temper and have virtually NO patience with her anymore. Seems like my mood towards her was so much better when she went to daycare. I know it's just because I'm tired/exhausted and it causes me to get irritated so easily, but I can't help yelling at her or whatever sometimes. Regardless, it isn't right. She didn't do anything. Except today when she cut her hair, yet again. It had finally got long enough to do pictures. Go figure.
God I miss Kris, and the way he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. The way he'd get so genuinely irritated when he'd compliment me and I'd roll my eyes and say "whatever." But I knew he meant those things he said. I felt it when he said them, and it felt good knowing someone felt that way about me. But I'm more modest than to smile and say thank you. He did everything he could to make sure I knew how he felt about me. Always opened doors for me, pulled out my chair like a gentleman-something I'm certainly not used to. He made it 'duty' to take care of me, whether I liked it or not. The way he brought me a huge bag full of different medicines, cough drops, soups and dr pepper when I was sick, all without me even asking. He would do anything in his power to make sure I was happy, and if I wasn't, he would do whatever he could to try to make me happy. And for a while, it worked. He was so romantic. Did things that I do. Liked the same things I liked. Open-minded about the same things I was. He had a passion for life, and he motivated me to do so much. He loved to talk, and he made sure I always knew how he felt.
I don't understand it. My heart, that is. I mean, I had someone who wanted nothing more in the world than to make me happy, no matter what it took. Someone who wanted me in every way, and made damn sure I knew it. Someone who would listen to me tell stories and not complain about how long it took because of how I like to tell every little detail. Someone who wanted to just hold me when I cried, and one time even cried with me because he felt so helpless because he knew there was nothing he could do to fix it. I had the someone I had always wanted, and I never even looked for him. He just fell into my life at the most bizarre moment in time, almost like it was meant to be. He made me happy.
I had all the things I wanted in a guy with him, and I miss him. I miss my friend. I miss the guy I could talk to about anything. The guy who could make me laugh. The guy who, despite how he felt, would have held in his feelings forever had I not told him how I felt. That guy was my friend, before I screwed everything up. And I miss that guy. I miss my best friend, and he was one. I don't regret anything that happened, because it made me see what I wanted, and what I needed to be happy. I hate that I hurt him in the process. I hate that more than anything, cause he didn't deserve that. He deserves to be happy. To be with someone who can love him as much as he loves her, and I truly hope he finds that someone if it turns out it isn't me. (Ugh, I hate that thought. I want it to be me. I truly believe it IS me.) And I hope that I find the answers to my own life's questions. He brought me alot closer. He made me see things I never saw before. He showed me a way of looking at things that I never would have found myself. He's amazing.
I keep telling myself there's a reason for all this, that it's all about timing. It has to be, right? Cause planning things sure as hell didn't work out. :/ But I believe he came into my life when he did for a reason. He was meant to be here. I knew the minute I saw him that he was different. I could feel it inside me. Yeah I'm aware how ignorant that must sound, but its the God's honest truth. It wasn't a lust thing, like omg I want him. I've never been that way before, why start now? No, this was more. I saw him and I immediately wanted to know everything about him. Who he was, what he did, what he liked, what he hated, music taste, who his friends were, what his life was like... and at the same time, I had the feeling that we'd met before, that I'd known him my whole life. I know, it makes no sense. But its true. I've never fet that way about anyone. And as much as I'd heard about him, it seemed odd that I'd never met him before. But there he was, suddenly in my life and I was meeting him. And I knew in that moment that I never wanted him out of it... so how do I manage that? How do I keep him in it? I want him to be a huge part of my life. I love that boy. So much it hurts. It kills me to know that he doesn't believe me. But hell, he's been lied to so many times, why should he? I haven't proved otherwise. Hell I've done the opposite. I promised, no swore to him, that I was nothing like *her*... That I'd never do to him what she did. But I did. Not for the same reasons. And not even cause I wanted to. I did it for the kids... but none the less, I still did it. And now I don't know how to make good on it. To prove to him I'm not like that, that I'm not a liar. That he's the one I want to be with....
