So these surveys keep asking if I've changed in the past year. And if I've learned any life lessons. I started answering those questions, and my answers turned into paragraphs, and I realized that it was just too much to put in a survey, so I simply stated, "read the blog." So here goes.
I have changed alot in the past year. Alot. This time last year, I was fighting feelings I had. I was unemployed. Married, but stuck in "roommate status" for what seemed like would be forever. I was completely miserable with my life, yet lacked the motivation to change it. And to be completely honest, lacked the courage as well. But after a few hearts being broken, I realized it was time to make a change, one way or another, and so I did.
The first thing I did was a very small thing, so it seemed. But to me, its significance was enormous: I bought myself a ring. A ring that you've all seen by now. It says on the outside, "Love Life" and engraved on the inside, "Be Brave." It was my inspiration. It was what I looked at every time I felt like things were impossible. It was what I wanted to live by. I wanted to love my life.. but I knew what had to be done to do that, which in turn meant I had to be brave.
A year later, I am a new person. I have a new attitude, a new outlook on life. I have a new relationship status. I am officially divorced as of Tuesday, June 23rd, but definitely not available. I have a new address that I share with Kris, the person that helped me become who I am. I have my kids. I have a good day-shift job that allows me to be home with my kids like I should be. I have a new car that, okay, I didn't buy--he bought it for me while I was at work, but I'll be paying for it. I am currently looking into taking some online college classes. But most importantly, I have a smile pretty much permanently implanted on my face. I have less stress, and a much more relaxed personality. I am happy. And in the process, I learned alot of things, which I'll now get into, one at a time. Some I'll explain, and some I won't. Sometimes things need no explanation - they just kinda explain themselves. And sometimes, it's just best if you don't explain at all.
I learned that good things do happen if you believe enough. That it may take time. Lots of time. Sometimes, almost a year. And that you may want to give up. But you just have to keep believing. Find that one piece of hope and inspiration, and hang on to it with everything you've got. And when the time is right, it will happen. Because in the end, timing is everything and planning is nothing.
I learned that, despite what I said so many times before, that everything does happen for a reason. I even wrote a blog about it once, naming all the reasons why I felt that way. But for every reason I didn't believe, the answers have come. Sometimes horrible things happen to you in order to save it from happening to someone else -- someone who is less able to mentally/physically deal with it. And then there are times when something happens, and you just can't seem to find a reason for it to save your life, any reason at all. But even then, even when it seems hopeless, there is always a reason hiding somewhere. The most horrible thing that happened to me turned out to be the best thing that could've ever happened. I didn't know it at the time, and if you would've tried to tell me that, I would have probably tried to kill you. No, seriously, I might have. All I knew was that I hated life, everything in it, and everyone in it. But when Chris told me it was that thing happening that made him know he had to let me go, then it changed the way I felt about the whole thing. Because had that thing not happened, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be with him.
I learned that miracles do exist. The above paragraph is one of the reasons, and while I know most of you had no clue what I was talking about, its okay. You weren't meant to. It's just funny though. I told someone in an email one night how I felt about alot of things, and what I wished would happen even though I didn't figure it would anytime soon, and then said, using these exact words, "I need a miracle." And I kid you not, it was the very next day, that I heard the words that changed my life. I got my miracle. He told me to go for it. And so I did. Cautiously, because I thought it was a trick, but I did. Miracles do exist. You just have to believe and never give up. Not just in love, but in all aspects of life. Like someone being blessed with a child through adoption. An amazing, beautiful, happy child that lights up the entire room just by being in it. Not only is she herself a miracle, but she is a miracle to her parents, and everyone in her new family, just as they are a miracle to her. Because where would she be if she wasn't with them? Miracles do happen. Mainly when you least expect them, as long as you believe.
And in doing so, I learned that love does conquer all. No matter how much heartache you have to endure... no matter how much pain you're put through... no matter how many times it seems hopeless, like it's just never going to happen... no matter how many times you're told that it's just not meant to be... love will make it through. It won't be easy. It will be hard as hell at times, and there will be fighting involved sometimes. Feelings may get hurt and hearts may get bruised. But true love will always win in the end. When two people love each other completely and never stop believing in each other, then love will conquer it all in the end.
I learned that the people you think will always be there are the ones that will let you down the most and turn your back when you need them, and that the ones that come in behind them and pick up the broken pieces are not the ones you'd ever expect it to be. It was those people and those times that I learned how strong I was, and how much stronger I could be. They pointed out alot of things in me that I had lost sight of, both good and bad. I learned that I can be my own person and that it shouldn't matter who does/doesn't like me for it. A girl at work shared this quote the other day in class that seems appropriate right about now : "Be yourself -- everyone else is taken." And while 'myself' was someone who used to be bitchy, mean, sour, and complained alot, even let people walk all over me... Well alot has changed in my life that has changed me as a person, and all I can do is be me, who I am now, and hope that everyone sees the difference. The ones that can, and do, will be in my life. And the ones who don't, or won't even take the time to try, aren't really worth my time in the end anyway.
Sure, I miss the way alot of things are with alot of people, but I can't change it alone. All I can do is make an effort to talk to and spend time with them and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, then it just doesn't. It's sad, but I'll be okay. I won't chase anyone down and bug them about hanging out or whatever until they give in. I want you to spend time with me because you want to, and not any other reason. I haven't chased anyone or been overly-friendly to anyone since the big blow-up several months ago, and that's a good thing in the end. Everyone had their "I'm out" card, and they decided what to do with it, whether to keep it or toss it. Some are still deciding, it seems. And that's okay too. Just know that you aren't the only ones making decisions about it.
The main thing I learned though, was what combines everything in this blog together --
what's meant to be will always find a way. <3
On another note... yesterday was my Dad's birthday. And for the first time since he died in 1993, I saw him. I borrowed a home video from Mamaw, and while he was only on there twice in like 5 second clips, I still saw him. And much to my amazement, he was exactly as I remembered him. He didn't speak in the videos, but I remember his voice in my head. It just would've been nice to hear it. Especially on his birthday. I was exactly how I always am on that day - moody and withdrawn - which irritated me. Every year I say I won't be that way next time, but I always am. But I had two people help me through it. Thank you, Kris and Chris, for that. I promise I'll do better in October.
