Friday, October 22, 2010
Deep breath... and here we go.
I've been keeping my thoughts to myself for a while now, thinking things might change. Giving you the benefit of a doubt. Cause of course I want things to be different. I wanted it so bad. But I am saying right here, right now, that I am giving up. I don't care anymore. I don't care what you do, where you go, who you do it with... but just know that I won't be there to be a part of it. And neither will my kids. I refuse to submit them to what I had to grow up in. They deserve better than that. Better than you. So do Destiny and Brittany, but you don't care about them or anyone else. You never have, except for yourself. It's sad, my kids love you so much, and it hurts to have to take them out of your life because of choices you've made, but one day they'll understand. Hell, Riley already does. He comments on you being drunk all the time. He's 11 years old, he shouldn't see the things he sees when he's around you. I thought, really thought - that maybe seeing how you DIED and got brought back to life by EMTs that you would look at life a little differently. That maybe you might want to actually LIVE for a change instead of drinking yourself away. But no, I guess not. I was wrong. I let you come to the birthday party because I wanted to see for myself how you were. But after you called me the other night, drunk, asking for money.. that was it for me. I'm done with you unless you can get some help. Some real help. This includes holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. I refuse to have my kids around you. Or rather, to have you around my kids. I've brushed it off all these years, but I just can't do it anymore. You want to kill yourself by drinking, fine. Go for it. But I won't be around to see it and neither will your grandchildren. I love you, but I don't like you. I don't even know who you are anymore.
Cause these places and these faces are getting old...
I absolutely hate that I haven't wrote since I found out I was pregnant and got engaged. But hell, I just don't have the time between everything else. I'll finish my TP orders and think "okay now I can write" but then Kollin is ready to eat or wants to play, and I can't say no to that cute chunky face. And lord knows when the kids are here, I can't concentrate. I do good to write out a FB status. lol.
Speaking of Teeny Punks, I am still kinda amazed at its progress. I posted one thing on Etsy on June 24th because Kris insisted, thinking "no one's gonna buy this, but whatever." I just wanted him to hush about it. But 2 days later I got an order, and here it is almost 4 months later and I just got my 103rd order! Hence the amazed feeling. It's cool seeing the things I make, and how good they turn out. But it's an unexplainable feeling when someone else likes it enough to buy it and put their kid in it. And some even send pics. That is my favorite part, hands down. It'd be nice if my family thought it was cool. They don't even acknowledge it at all actually. They never even mention it, as though it doesn't exist, but whatever. They're all a bunch of skunk sacs anyway. Kris and Nickett are my number one fans/supporters. Kris, by default of course. He sure loves me. And Nickett, I don't know why, because she doesn't have babies or even toddlers in the age range I currently make these things for, (although she did have me make a cheerleader uniform for Carmen.) But I sure do love her for it. She's always trying to help promote it, and advertise for me. I've got to get my business license or sellers permit or whatever I need to get, I don't know really. I just know I need to get it soon so I don't get in legal trouble. Holli told me what all I need to do, but I have no clue where to even start, or how much it will all cost.
My life lately has been soooo drama free lately and I can't be happier about that. I guess maybe I'm growing up a little more and realizing that even though I miss some of my friends, I don't need them in my life. That they have negative impacts on me even if I don't realize it. I mean sure, we have good, fun times together. But I'm over the whole shit-show every time someone gets pissy. It's like a double standard, and it's not fair. If you piss me off, I'll tell you why and then I'll let it go, the end. But if I piss someone off, they gotta resort to cussing me out, calling me all kind of nasty names and telling me how they really feel about me. Its always the same. Time will pass and they'll start talking to me again and tell me 'well you know I didn't mean it, I was just mad', etc. But screw that. You meant what you said so don't try to take it back. Sure it'd be easier to keep the peace and be friends again, but frankly I don't see how that's fair to me. It's been said several times recently that I'm -- and I quote -- "a selfish ungrateful bitch" -- I still have the texts in my phone. So why would I even want to be friends with people who feel that way about me? I don't deserve that kind of treatment by someone who is supposed to be my friend, and I won't settle for it. As far as keeping the peace, we'll see each other at events quite frequently, I know this. But I am mature enough to be polite and civil as though all is fine. But I don't need to be friends to keep the peace, knowing that you'd just get pissed at me again someday and there we go all over again, you throwing all my faults in my face, even when they're irrelevant to what you're pissed at me about. I see all your faults too. There's things you do that pisses me off too. Do I throw it in your face when I'm mad at you? No, because it's stupid and dramatic and I'm past all that. Do I miss these friends? Hmmm. Yes and no. I miss the fun times we had together. But I don't miss them making me feel like shit because I had an opinion, or got mad about something they would've gotten mad about if situation were reversed. I no longer feel the pressure to start a conversation up just so I don't get the 'I haven't heard from you in days, what's your deal' text. Cause that works both ways. Point is, I'm at peace with the whole situation. And I'm not referring to just one person here, let me clarify that.
And while we're on the whole friendship rant, let me throw this on out there... I am no longer going to be the glue that tries to hold everyone together. Seems like I'm always the one inviting people to lunch dates, to our house for dinner or just to hang out. Any time there's some kind of event, I always try to make sure I include everyone. Not because I don't want to deal with pissy attitudes about them not being invited (okay maybe that too) but mainly because I like having all of my friends together on a regular basis. But it seems sometimes like I'm the only one who cares. Like, if I didn't invite people to lunch or to the house for whatever reason, then I wouldn't see them. So, I quit. Here I am. If you want to see me, invite me to do something. Or call and be like 'hey, I wanna come over and hang out if that's cool.' Some days I just wake up and wanna tell Kris to try to get that job in SC, that maybe moving away wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. That would make his day. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know. But new places and new faces could be good for me. Hell maybe I just need a vacation.
And one more thing, on a lighter note. Possibly awkward for you, but that's why I'm writing it. It was brought to my attention Saturday night that the love triangle comes up alot lately in conversation. And as drunk as I was, I thought about it and realized that yes--yes it does. Is that awkward for me? Nope. If it was, we wouldn't be in the place we are now, any of us. Is it awkward for Kris? Nope. Is it awkward for Jeannie? Nope. She even told Trey about it. So my question is, why is it awkward for anyone else? I mean, it's US that it happened to. A long time ago even. And we got past it. Enough so, that we can talk about it in conversation just like anything else. It's a part of the past. It happened, just like alot of other things, so there's no use hiding it, not talking about it, and pretending like it didn't. Truth is, it was the best thing that could've happened, and I've told them both that. Because it took that happening to open Lambert's eyes and make him see just how much in love with Kris I was, and he let me go 'before it was too late.' I know this because he told me himself. Anyway, for whatever reason, everyone is still very awkward about the whole thing and I don't get why. So I figure if we talk about it and make people see that we aren't awkward about it, then maybe they'll relax and quit acting like it's a big deal. I mean, it's not like he's a polygamist and we're both his wives. Or hell, its not like we sit around and compare sexual experiences like what positions we got in and stuff, cause yeah okay, that would be weird. But do you see my point now? So everyone can stop the whispering and the "OMG, they just made a joke about it" cause we're all grown ups here.
Speaking of Teeny Punks, I am still kinda amazed at its progress. I posted one thing on Etsy on June 24th because Kris insisted, thinking "no one's gonna buy this, but whatever." I just wanted him to hush about it. But 2 days later I got an order, and here it is almost 4 months later and I just got my 103rd order! Hence the amazed feeling. It's cool seeing the things I make, and how good they turn out. But it's an unexplainable feeling when someone else likes it enough to buy it and put their kid in it. And some even send pics. That is my favorite part, hands down. It'd be nice if my family thought it was cool. They don't even acknowledge it at all actually. They never even mention it, as though it doesn't exist, but whatever. They're all a bunch of skunk sacs anyway. Kris and Nickett are my number one fans/supporters. Kris, by default of course. He sure loves me. And Nickett, I don't know why, because she doesn't have babies or even toddlers in the age range I currently make these things for, (although she did have me make a cheerleader uniform for Carmen.) But I sure do love her for it. She's always trying to help promote it, and advertise for me. I've got to get my business license or sellers permit or whatever I need to get, I don't know really. I just know I need to get it soon so I don't get in legal trouble. Holli told me what all I need to do, but I have no clue where to even start, or how much it will all cost.
My life lately has been soooo drama free lately and I can't be happier about that. I guess maybe I'm growing up a little more and realizing that even though I miss some of my friends, I don't need them in my life. That they have negative impacts on me even if I don't realize it. I mean sure, we have good, fun times together. But I'm over the whole shit-show every time someone gets pissy. It's like a double standard, and it's not fair. If you piss me off, I'll tell you why and then I'll let it go, the end. But if I piss someone off, they gotta resort to cussing me out, calling me all kind of nasty names and telling me how they really feel about me. Its always the same. Time will pass and they'll start talking to me again and tell me 'well you know I didn't mean it, I was just mad', etc. But screw that. You meant what you said so don't try to take it back. Sure it'd be easier to keep the peace and be friends again, but frankly I don't see how that's fair to me. It's been said several times recently that I'm -- and I quote -- "a selfish ungrateful bitch" -- I still have the texts in my phone. So why would I even want to be friends with people who feel that way about me? I don't deserve that kind of treatment by someone who is supposed to be my friend, and I won't settle for it. As far as keeping the peace, we'll see each other at events quite frequently, I know this. But I am mature enough to be polite and civil as though all is fine. But I don't need to be friends to keep the peace, knowing that you'd just get pissed at me again someday and there we go all over again, you throwing all my faults in my face, even when they're irrelevant to what you're pissed at me about. I see all your faults too. There's things you do that pisses me off too. Do I throw it in your face when I'm mad at you? No, because it's stupid and dramatic and I'm past all that. Do I miss these friends? Hmmm. Yes and no. I miss the fun times we had together. But I don't miss them making me feel like shit because I had an opinion, or got mad about something they would've gotten mad about if situation were reversed. I no longer feel the pressure to start a conversation up just so I don't get the 'I haven't heard from you in days, what's your deal' text. Cause that works both ways. Point is, I'm at peace with the whole situation. And I'm not referring to just one person here, let me clarify that.
And while we're on the whole friendship rant, let me throw this on out there... I am no longer going to be the glue that tries to hold everyone together. Seems like I'm always the one inviting people to lunch dates, to our house for dinner or just to hang out. Any time there's some kind of event, I always try to make sure I include everyone. Not because I don't want to deal with pissy attitudes about them not being invited (okay maybe that too) but mainly because I like having all of my friends together on a regular basis. But it seems sometimes like I'm the only one who cares. Like, if I didn't invite people to lunch or to the house for whatever reason, then I wouldn't see them. So, I quit. Here I am. If you want to see me, invite me to do something. Or call and be like 'hey, I wanna come over and hang out if that's cool.' Some days I just wake up and wanna tell Kris to try to get that job in SC, that maybe moving away wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. That would make his day. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know. But new places and new faces could be good for me. Hell maybe I just need a vacation.
And one more thing, on a lighter note. Possibly awkward for you, but that's why I'm writing it. It was brought to my attention Saturday night that the love triangle comes up alot lately in conversation. And as drunk as I was, I thought about it and realized that yes--yes it does. Is that awkward for me? Nope. If it was, we wouldn't be in the place we are now, any of us. Is it awkward for Kris? Nope. Is it awkward for Jeannie? Nope. She even told Trey about it. So my question is, why is it awkward for anyone else? I mean, it's US that it happened to. A long time ago even. And we got past it. Enough so, that we can talk about it in conversation just like anything else. It's a part of the past. It happened, just like alot of other things, so there's no use hiding it, not talking about it, and pretending like it didn't. Truth is, it was the best thing that could've happened, and I've told them both that. Because it took that happening to open Lambert's eyes and make him see just how much in love with Kris I was, and he let me go 'before it was too late.' I know this because he told me himself. Anyway, for whatever reason, everyone is still very awkward about the whole thing and I don't get why. So I figure if we talk about it and make people see that we aren't awkward about it, then maybe they'll relax and quit acting like it's a big deal. I mean, it's not like he's a polygamist and we're both his wives. Or hell, its not like we sit around and compare sexual experiences like what positions we got in and stuff, cause yeah okay, that would be weird. But do you see my point now? So everyone can stop the whispering and the "OMG, they just made a joke about it" cause we're all grown ups here.
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