I want to sleep in my own damn bed. The one I helped pick out and bought sheets and a comforter for. But I can't because my husband snores. Some days aren't as bad as others, and I can just pop in earplugs and sleep through it. Some days I can slip away to the couch fora little while and the snoring goes away and I'll get back in bed before he wakes up and notices I was ever gone. But the past three damn nights, I've slept on the couch all night long because it's like having a monster truck revving its engine right by my ear and the earplugs just don't matter. Of course I can't really wear the earplugs lately because the tiny child is potty training and she likes to yell out occasionally that she has to pee. Guess who gets up for that? When I think I am lucky and she doesn't wake up to pee, I check on her only to find that she's shit herself around 1am. Yay. Cold wipes = wide awake child, so it's back to fucking square one waiting on her to pass out. By then I'm super tired and every sound seems amplified. Stupid ass aquarium. But if I unplug it, I can hear his snoring through the bedroom door. Or Kylie's stupid ass hamster scratching at the roof of its cage and I can imagine myself putting it out in the cold garage and hoping it doesn't make it though the night, because then that means maybe I can sleep tomorrow night because I won't hear it. I try to get in bed in the mornings after the bus runs and hope I can sleep a little bit then, but the door makes some popping sound that sounds like someone is tapping on the glass and wakes me up constantly, resulting in one of those headaches from being jolted awake and medicine doesn't help it, only time.
I feel like in a sense, my life just keeps repeating itself. Have a baby, stay home, baby starts school, get a job, have a baby, stay home, baby starts school, get a job, just kidding, have another baby, stay home, repeat over and over... I want a job for two reasons: (1) Money. (2) New friends.
Kris is all "don't get a job" on fb and in conversations in front of other people but then when it's just us, he will talk about jobs I could/should try to get. "Masland has great insurance." "This place has good discounts." "You need somewhere that'll let you work school hours for the kids." I'm so torn between wanting to go back to work just to have a fucking identity again and be a person again and make new friends instead of just being someone's mom and someone's wife (bonus: lunch dates with real people!) and accepting the reality that nothing I can actually get hired for will be worth taking because it'll either (A) pay nothing, (B) have shitty hours, (C) require me to work weekends, or keeping it real: (D) all of the above. I'm literally only qualified for retail and by the time Zoey starts school in 2 years, I'll be 38 years old, so I'd be 38 years old working with a bunch of high school/college kids. Ya know, that loser lady who never did anything with her life because there's always one, and it would be me this time. Awesome. The thought along makes me nauseous. I'm just so tired of being nobody. I want to be able to clock out. I want to be able to come home and just once, sit down and not move because I've had a long day at work. I'd like someone to be like "Be quiet, try not to wake up mom, she's got to work tomorrow."
But I'm the mom, so even if I did have a real job, I'd still be the one rushing around to cook and clean and make kids bathe and do laundry and pack lunches and sign papers, and wake up at 1am to change shitty pullups and stay awake til she goes back to sleep whenever that is, on top of waking up extra early to fix hair and get them to school or daycare before I got to work, because that's what moms do. We aren't the breadwinners, the one who has to pay all the bills, so our needs (physical or mental) never come first, or even second, and that is probably why I'm always pissy. Kris's solution to my moods is to start drinking earlier because I'm nicer when I drink. Gah, I wonder why. I don't want a drink. I want a break. Like a few-days-long break with no kids, but that's a joke. (I can't even get away with Kris for that long of a time.) I'd settle for a girls night, but at the same time I don't even want that because depending on who it's with, it usually ends up with me listening to said friend bitch about her husband/boyfriend and/or kids (Haven't they heard of blogging??) and that's the last thing I want to talk about or hear about. Except for the ones who are no longer with their husbands/boyfriends and talk about how the kid(s) have to go stay with him and it's so sad. Bitch, please. I have no words of comfort for you. I miss the glory days of having a free babysitter every other weekend. I hate being invited to girls-only events because the first thing that crosses my mind is "well that's gonna count against me and I won't
**Disclaimer: That night mentioned above was not even a girls night, it was a friend's birthday, he was also invited and chose not to go, and there were just as many guys there as girls.
Anyway, then basically I'm stuck with the guilt of choosing to be a good friend or saving my
We watched the Bad Moms movie a few nights ago and I was so excited. For once, I thought someone could relate to me, really 100% relate. They covered all the same points I made above. But of course it's Hollywood, so naturally they always managed to have babysitters (quite often too) and no one's husband ever got mad except that one time and she snapped at him and then he was like a puppy doing whatever she wanted. That's not fucking how it is. I'd never snap at Kris like that, not that he'd call me in a panic like that dad did, but still. And there's never babysitters. Getting one lately is like winning the lottery, but then I'm sitting here contemplating even taking them to the sitter because you know tomorrow it's gonna be something... "She did this. He was so bad. They fought the whole time. He's so loud. She wouldn't sleep. What time are you coming to get them?" How about fucking never? Like really, what happens if I just don't come back to get them? You see that they're that annoying and exhausting -- that's my life, 24/7/365 -- so please give me just that little bitty ass break without making me feel like shit for it when we/I pick them up.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I hate my kids. I don't. I love the little assholes, but they're just that, and being the one that deals with them the majority of the time really takes a toll.
I'm not saying I don't love or appreciate my husband, or that he doesn't do enough. He's my everything and I can't imagine life without him, even when he snores. He does so much for us, more than a lot of my friends men o which explains why they never last. But never in my dreams about our future together did it ever include someone sleeping on the couch because he was continuously sawing logs with a chainsaw in my ear. He's never snored this much until about 2 years ago and it isn't getting better. It's only getting worse and the future I see in my now now involves separate bedrooms when a kid moves out. I feel like he's torn between wanting me to stay home so we can hang out on his off time since we never have sitters, and actually wanting me to go to work but maybe his man-pride won't let him admit that? I don't know.
The tiny child just waddled in here with pants around her feet saying she needed to be cleaned, so the highlight of my day is knowing that at least I won't have to sit up at 1am because she shit and the wipes woke her up. On that note, I'm ending this so I can go wipe up shit.
