How did [this] happen?

Damnit to hell, what was I thinking? I somehow caught myself thinking entirely too much about getting married, which isn't a bad thing at all, because I am completely and hopelessly in love with this man, but damnit. Thinking led to more thinking, which led to looking. Looking at wedding stuff. As if I needed to do that. Ugh.

Not ugh as in gross. It's not gross. It's just, I don't know. Annoying. That's what.

I tried to keep quiet about it at first. And damn if we didn't start talking about it one night laying in the bed, and then it just went from there. Once I knew he really actually wanted to marry me, my head just went all retarded. I have successfully ignored the urges to buy damn Bride magazines (yay me!) but ignoring the internet is alot harder, especially since Google is free. After reading Ginger & Ashley's stuff on FB, I googled Davids Bridal and came across a gorgeous dress, which I saved to my computer. WHY? I have no effin clue.  But I even told Kara about it. And then worse, I told Kris. (WTF Niki?!) Um... He wanted to see it. (Wait, what?) Yeah, he wanted to see it. That's not the response I should have gotten. He should have seemed weirded out. Or told me to quit looking at that stuff. Then I'd be fine right now. But noooo.

Today... today it got way worse. Because of his reaction, I decided to show him the dress via Skype. And he liked it. Started talking about me wearing the dress, walking down the aisle, saying "I do"... damnit Kris! NO! Wrong reaction. (Shit.) Because then I started looking at more dresses. And showing him. Then he starts showing me dresses Ashley has chosen (which annoys me because its pretty much just like mine, but black, which is actually an idea I'd had as well, not knowing she did of course) and asks if I've looked at other things like rings and stuff. I laugh to myself and tell him no, that there is no reason to look at all that mess right now. (I am secretly proud of myself for not looking at those things actually.)  Until he says I should. Ugghhh.

So what did I do? I looked.  And started saving pics.  Fuck me.  I did find the black wedding band he talked about wanting a while back, and showed him that pic. And then, before he could have a chance to say he wanted our rings to match, I showed him a pc of the matching female ring. lol. Then, seeing how the engagement ring & wedding band should match, I got curious of how I'd find a black engagement ring and had an idea--black sapphire, or topaz or even an onyx. (Cool!) So I tell him (he's home from work by now) and he says "Oh that's what Ashley wants."  Motherfucker. Seriously? How the hell am I supposed to know that. Apparently I should have the ability to read her mind, cause we can't be like Ashley and Kenneth, naturally...

Then I realize how irritated I had started to get over all this and silently scold myself for it, reminding myself that I have no business even looking at or even thinking about any of this mess right now, whereas Ashley actually does. Well damnit.

So now I am admitting that I am thinking about it way too much and I don't exactly know how to NOT think about it, or stop looking at stuff. It's not even the whole fantasy fairy-tale wedding aspect of it either. I mean yeah, that's gonna be alot of fun too, but even if we don't have a real wedding, it doesn't matter. I just really want to marry him. I'm in love with him and I want the world to know I belong to him. I want him to be mine. Completely.

So the point of this blog? I have no clue. To vent maybe, and to get it off my chest how big of an idiot I think-- know --Im being about all of this.

Blah.