One year ago today....

One year ago today, on November 1st, I got the phone call that changed my life.

I was diagnosed with stage 2B cervical cancer. It was hard as hell. I struggled through treatments. I wasn’t as strong as I wanted to be, but damn it, I beat it! As crazy as it sounds, me getting cancer was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It brought some amazing people into my world, and took some others out of it. It showed me that people are good, for the most part. People I didn't even know were helping me. Complete strangers were donating to our gofundme. Nurses became friends.
It gave me a new outlook on everything. Things I used to think were so important, I now don't give a single shit about. I took a lot of things for granted.

This past summer was the best for me. We didn't go on vacation anywhere. We have our own backyard paradise. Having that pool and deck changes everything. The kids and I spent almost every day out there as long as it wasn't raining. Most weekends, we had friends over to swim with us. There's nothing better than floating around in the pool on a hot sunny day with a drink in your hand, listening to music and seeing smiles on your kids faces. Kris even bought a really awesome light that lights up the entire pool water in different colors, so we got a few night swims in with the bull. Oh, that bull. Good times...
Life is too short to be anything but happy, so live it for you. Don't worry about what other people think about it. ✌🏻

Shout out to my rockstar husband, Kris, for being there every step of the way. He drove me to the appointments. He slept in a chair beside me (and occasionally in the car) after working a 12 hour shift overnight while I got chemo, went back to work many nights, and drove me back for fluids the next morning after I threw up all night. He washed my hair for me & helped me shave when I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore. Cracked vampire jokes while I got a blood transfusion. Didn’t get mad or impatient with me for being too sick to eat the soup he made for me. All the while, still said I was beautiful. He helped me survive this. His love roared louder than my demons.

PS: Ladies, get yourself checked. Ignore the 3 year rule for paps. My last pap was 3 years before being diagnosed, down to the exact month, & look where that got me. I'll do another update soon. An actual update with the details of current side effects and everything else. Just kinda busy at the moment. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

REMISSION

Life has just been busy lately. Last time I updated, I was waiting for my scan to see if the cancer was gone, and have my ‘end of treatment’ visits. I am thrilled to report that as of May 1st...

I am officially CANCER FREE!

Guys, I’m in remission!!!

It seems like all of this happened so fast, and at the same time, it feels like it lasted for years. I slowly got my energy back and started feeling like my old self, so we have been doing yard work. I even painted my daughter’s bedroom pink, something she’s been asking for since we bought the house. We spend a lot of time outdoors now. The kids are in the pool every chance they get, and I’ve even started working out again in the past week. I’ve basically had to start over with lighter weights, which stinks, but at least I am able to do it. I’ll get better and stronger.

My appetite has returned, but I’ve learned that since I could go weeks eating basically nothing while on treatments, that I could change my eating habits to healthier options. So far, I’ve done really well. We still have pizza occasionally, I mean we aren’t dead, just healthier. Ha! Shellfish still makes my tummy angry. I'll bloat up, have awful stomach pains, and diarrhea. Sushi just doesn’t do it for me anymore. That sucks. I love sushi. Or I guess now I should say loved. Past tense.

Even though the cancer is gone, the side effects from the treatment are definitely still here. I still have diarrhea a lot, which the doctor says is normal from the radiation damaging my bowels. She was very surprised that I don’t have any bladder and kidney issues since that’s normal side effects afterwards. ::Knock on wood::

: : : TMI ALERT : : :

I still have a lot of discharge. Sex is complicated. It hurts, but it’s getting better. The internal radiation causes a lot of scar tissue on your vaginal walls inside there, and as a result, they try to shrink up. Now you think this would be a good thing, and you’d be acting like Madonna and singing “Like A Virgin” but that’s not how it is. It’s painful. The doctors typically suggest using a dilator (google it, it’s basically a dildo with a different name) daily to stretch it back out to its normal size, but I was like nah I’m good without that. They said I could do things the natural way if I preferred and that’s what we’ve been trying, but the way he works, it’s hard. So as much as it sucks, I’m going to resort to the dilator to speed up the process of being normal again. I’d like to have pain free sex again. I have no issues with toys, don’t get me wrong. But using it for medical purposes isn’t as appealing as it is for play purposes. And using it daily is a chore when it’s summer and there’s kids in the house all the time. I can’t even go poop without someone trying to find me. This will have to be an after-bedtime routine, I guess. My white and red blood cell counts are still in the low range, but they’re in the upper-low range, so they’re closer to normal. That’s good news!

The bad news is that bills just keep coming. Ugh. In hindsight, I wish we would have waited until January to start the treatments and everything, because it would have cost us a lot less. Our insurance covers 70% and we pay the other 30%, with a max of $10,000 out of pocket. The problem with that, is that is per year. So since we started at the end of the year with all the tests and scans in Sept. and treatments in December, we had to pay that $2500 deductible upfront plus our 30% and then start allllll over again with another $2500 deductible and everything in January. So basically two $2500 deductibles, and two $10K our of pocket costs for us since everything started/happened at the end of the year. We had two fundraisers done for us, thanks to the MBKFA (the kayak fishing club we are members of) and the SeaHut/Ernie Hall (who sold Boston Butts) for us. My Aunt Kim had also set up a GoFundMe account for us. All the money from those went to cover everything from last year, and the deductible for this year. But as of right now, we’re still around 8 grand mark in bills currently owed (BARF) and I still have to go every 3 months for checkups. But it is what it is. I’m alive and I’m healthy. And we have the pool, so it’s not like the kids will have a boring summer. I’ve also decided to take on some babysitting during the summer to help with finances, and come August, I’ll be keeping a newborn during the week. I’m still selling Younique, but most of my customers moved on to another consultant when I started treatments and stopped being an active seller, so business sucks there. But I’m still trying. That’s all I can do.
I’m definitely in menopause, thanks to radiation effects. I haven’t had a period since January, thankfully. I don’t really have mood swings anymore, but those hot flashes and night sweats are a total bitch! One second I’m fine, the next second it feels like I just opened the oven door and I’m wiping sweat off of my forehead and arm. It’s crazy. I also have weird creepy-crawly skin, where it feels like something is crawling on me, but it really isn’t. Dry skin too. Lotion is my new best friend. Sleep is a thing of the past. I was never a good sleeper anyway, but now it’s even harder between the above mentioned issues and just insomnia in general. I’ve taken Tylenol PM and Zzzquil and nothing helps. I can fall asleep, I just can’t stay asleep for more than an hour.

Blown vein, but no pee!

I mean, not that I thought it was to begin with...
I had my CT scan Monday morning and it took forever because the doctor (not MY doctor, but that sub doctor that said I needed to do the scan) ordered the wrong dang test so they had to wait for him to get there at 8am (my appt for the scan was 7am) so they could have him order the correct test, then call my insurance company and get it approved. I was tired and grumpy and hungry (no food after midnight and I’m not a morning person regardless) and now I’m getting a catheter shoved up my peephole in a room that I swear is 10 degrees below zero and they tell me to hold still. Then the girl giving me the IV blows two of my veins - actually she says one “just disappeared...” - and asks if nurses usually have a hard time giving me IVs. Uh no, they don’t. She says she’s going to try again and my irritable self says, “Can you not? Get someone else.” The other girl gets it the first try. Now I have a nasty bruise on my arm from the blown vein. Look!



They send me in the machine, so some scans, pull me out, inject the dye into my IV, send me back in for more scans. Pull me out, fill my bladder with clear fluid, send me back in for more scans. Pull me back out, try to drain my catheter but it only removes half the liquid, so they remove the catheter, then bring me a bedpan and tell me to pee. Excuse me miss, I can not pee with you standing there holding a pan under me, and I definitely can’t do it laying down flat. (They say I can’t sit up.) I mean I tried, but my head is like no dummy, you don’t pee in the bed. So they send me back in for scans but say my bladder is still too full and let me get up to go to the actual bathroom. I come back, lay down, do more scans. Then remove the IV and I’m on my merry way to warmer temperatures and the Waffle House. You know it’s cold when the Waffle House is considered a warmer place.

Joanie called me yesterday and said the preliminary report was in from the CT scan, and that no fissure or tears were found, and my bladder looked fine. It also said that my tumor showed positive results from the therapy. (Well, duh.) She said the doctor will call and give me more details later after they look over the scans and everything, but she wanted me to know what she saw. I told her that I quit taking the hormone pills and that watery discharge was nearly gone, so that tells me that it was obviously a side effect of the hormone pills. I told Joanie how altos thinks the treatments have caused me to be allergic to the iodine in shellfish and she said she’s never heard of that, but it’s possible, and even more possible with me because I’m The Backwards Child. That’s her nickname for me because basically everything that should be a side effect for something, I didn’t have, and the ones I did have, I had backwards. She told me on the phone that because of all that, she loves doing research with me and that I’m her favorite patient ever. That makes my heart happy. I really love her and I’m going to miss her terribly.

I’m smelling things. Kris had on some aftershave today and when he kissed me bye to go to work tonight, he smelled so nice, and I was like wait come back. Ha. This smelling thing isn’t so bad in times like that. I’ve never smelled that before even though he says he’s always worn it. I don’t know why suddenly I can smell things again, but as long as they don’t make me nauseous or sick, then it’s all good.

That’s all I’ve got for now. When the doctor calls with more details, I’ll post them, of course. She did give me some more appointments:
** April 24th, I’ll do labs/bloodwork and then see Dr. Scalici for the ‘end of treatment’ visit.
** April 26th, I’ll have my CT/PET Scan for my big “is the cancer gone” cancer update!
** May 2nd, I’ll have my last biopsy.
** May 10th, I’ll see Dr. Outlaw (my radiation oncologist) for a follow up appointment.

MENOPAUSE... and the end of treatments.

Freakin' menopause, ha! Yeah, the chemo and radiation killed my ovaries. Like actually caused them to dry out and shrivel up, apparently, and put my body into menopause. I'd been having crazy side effects from that...
* Crazy mood swings (I cried SIX times in one day and poor Kris was just at a complete loss of what to do.)
* Hot flashes and night sweats. I've been having these for a couple years now, but nothing to this extent. I'm talking like get so hot that I can't breathe, and get so sweaty that my shirt is soaked and I have to change it at 2am.
* CRS syndrome (can't remember shit) and that makes sense considering I couldn't remember to tell y'all about the thing that makes me forget everything. Seriously, everyone who knows me knows that I have an amazing memory. I remember everything. I remember conversations from years ago in detail. (I've never been able to remember where I park at Walmart, though.) But now... now I seriously forget everything. Sometimes I'm not sure that I actually forgot the thing, or if I just never knew it in the first place.
* Insomnia, which this is partially related to the hot flashes. One minute I'm freezing. Full-on teeth-chattering freezing, and you can count to 10 and I'm burning up, sweating. Obviously, this constant back and forth keeps me awake a lot, having to cover up and then throw the covers back off again 4 minutes later. It's stupid.

I don't mind it though. I have been asking for menopause for years. Everyone older than me told me I wouldn't want it when I do get it, and now that it's here... you're wrong, I still want it, side effects and all, because this is better than what my body has been through up to this point. I haven't had a period since I was in radiation. I've skipped 3 periods so far. I should actually be on my period right now, according to the period tracker app I have on my phone. I haven't convinced myself to delete it yet. My doctor put me on hormone pills 3 weeks ago to help with the symptoms I've been experiencing, and while they helped my night sweats, hot flashes/chills, and mood swings a little, I did some research two days ago and saw that the Estradiol she gave me specifically says not to use if you've had cancer of the cervix and other things) and I realize that she knows what she's doing, but I also saw that it causes weight gain and more importantly, increases the risk of ovarian and uterine cancer. Needless to say, I stopped taking it. I'd rather deal with the crazy moods and body temp issues than increase my chances at more cancer. #nothankyou

:: WARNING - it's about to get pretty personal. ::

I also noticed that, about a week after starting the hormone pills, I got some watery discharge. And by some I mean a lot. A pantyliner wasn't cutting it anymore. I bumped up to a pad, an then progressed to having to change the pad a couple times a day. I was beginning to think I was peeing myself and not knowing it. I mean, it makes sense because remember for the brachytherapy, they were putting catheters in and out of me every visit, s I figured maybe that could cause some issues that could cause me to have urine leakage. Do you know what that's like?? I mean, I still have diarrhea DAILY thanks to radiation's effects on my bowels and intestines. So to add accidental peeing to the list is just like, come on now... It's confusing because it didn't smell like pee, and it wasn't the color of pee. It's just clear and watery. So anyway, I did a tampon test. I put a tampon in and decided that if I still experienced the leakage, then I'd know I was leaking pee. (Ew.) So I popped one in and went on about my day. A few hours later, I was still DRY so no pee, woohoo. Time to take the tampon out. Except, it won't come out... It hurt. Like, bad. Y'all have read the things I've been through recently. All the biopsies, the catheters, the rods going in my vag, all the very painful things that I got though... but this really hurt. I had to take a deep breath, grit my teeth, and pull it out. You'd think I'd never worn a tampon before! I don't know what the deal was, but I was glad it was out and that I'd confirmed that I wasn't peeing myself accidentally. 😀

Fast forward to two days ago (Wednesday.) I went in for my last immunotherapy treatment and as usual, had to see the doctor beforehand to discuss any issues I'd been having. Dr. Scalici was doing surgery on someone, so I saw one of her partners, Dr. Jones. He was super nice and super gentle when examining me. He said he saw some normal discharge in there, but not the watery stuff I was describing. Hmm. I told him about the tampon test, which he said was really smart thinking. He thinks I have a fissure, and I have to get tested to find out for sure. Basically, a fissure is a tear and he thinks that I have one at the bottom of my bladder that's causing small amounts of urine to leak into my vagina and come out that way - hence the watery discharge. So basically I was right AND wrong, because if this is the case, it means I am leaking pee, just not from my pee hole. So now I'm scheduled to go in at 7:30 Monday morning to have a CT scan where they inject dye into my bladder to see where it goes, if there is indeed a fissure, and identify the exact location of it. I swear, if it's not one thing, it's another. I asked him is I could just take some Azo and see that way, because Azo turns your pee bright orange and if it's leaking into my vag and coming out there, then it'll be on the tampon. I wish you could've seen his face when I asked that. He said it was genius.
I will say that yesterday, I did perform my Azo test, but results were inconclusive for reasons I won't get into, except to say that there was orange on the tampon, but not in the place you'd think it would be, so we were confused. We, as in me and Kris. He's the best. You know, when you meet an awesome man and fall in love, you plan your life and you make the "for better or worse" vows but you never really expect the worse part to happen. But he stayed though it all, right by my side, and yesterday, he stood right there and physically analyzed this used tampon with me. Then we took new/clean tampons and performed experiments with them to try to recreate the liquid flow that my body creates. We used Listerine since it's colored and it as right there. We didn't learn anything from our experiment, but I will say that was the freshest-smelling tampon ever. So now we just wait until Monday and find out what in the world is going on. Personally I am just hoping it's a side effect of the hormone pills since I didn't have this discharge until *after* I started taking them, and I'll know soon since I quit taking them. I'm really hoping it's NOT a fissure like the doctor thinks, because in his words - "it's not something that is easily corrected." Surgery would be required. I'm trying not to think much about that right now, since I really don't think that's the case.

Soooooo, that's where we are now.

I've been slacking

I've been slacking at posting updates. I've been feeling normal for the most part, so I've been trying to get back to my normal life. Honestly though, I don't know what that is after everything has happened. You know how when you're planning a wedding, it consumes so much time. Every single day, you are dealing with wedding things and then the wedding comes and you're so happy and excited, but the next day, it's over and you're just like, "what do I do now?" because your life has been consumed by it and now it’s done. That's how it was for me, basically. Every single day I had radiation, Tuesdays was chemo, Mondays was labwork, then there were extra appointments for biopsies, rehydration fluids and nausea meds, blood transfusion, and other misc appointments. And then I was done, and there were none. Well, just the treatments for the trial but that's only once every 3 weeks. So what do I do with those three weeks in between?

My older daughter Kylie made the soccer team at school, so that takes up a lot of time. She has practice every day during the week and games 1-3 times a week. Example, she had one Monday, she has one today (Weds.) and then she has two on Saturday. So every day, it’s a mad dash to get Kollin off the bus and then either go pick Kylie up from practice, or get to her games. Then afterwards, come home and get dinner done and all the kids bathed and in bed. And somewhere in there, homework happens. I thought after all of treatments were over, I'd get a break from the daily shit-to-do list but who was I kidding? The shit just changed from mine to someone else's, as usual.

A few weeks ago, I participated in the Colors of Cancer 5K Glow Run. I walked though, I don’t think I could have ran if I tried.I barely made it to the end just walking, because I sure was tired, but I did make it. I was lucky enough to have a handful of friends join me. I don't know if they did it for the fun of it (it was at night, and they gave us glow necklaces and stuff) or for moral support, or both. Either way, I was happy they were there. Kris left work early to come join me as well. I swear guys, I struck gold with that man. He has been there for me 100% through everything. Last week, I got sick. I'm not sure if it was something I ate or a virus, but it was nasty. I woke up with shooting stomach pains, and ended up sitting on the toilet with the waterbutts while puking into my trash can. He was on night shift that day so he slept through a good bit of it, but when he woke up and realized I was sick, he got so nervous and wanted to call in to work. I didn't let him. There was no point. He couldn't do anything and I'd already planned to just take a phenergan and go to bed as soon as all the kids went to bed. My stomach was still wonky for a couple days, but that's the only day I threw up.

Other than that and her soccer, I've been trying to get back to my normal day-to-day stuff as much as my energy allows. I've done some yard work, painted Zoey's bedroom, painted my friend's kitchen, dining room, and laundry room. I went yesterday and had my hair done for the first time since November. I have been taking Biotin vitamin gummies religiously, as well as a multivitamin, so my hair isn't quite as thin as it was and we decided it was okay enough to mess with at this point. It made me feel a little refreshed, and I needed that.

I haven't gained any weight back since doing treatments. I was 156 lbs when I went to see the oncologist for the first time, and my weight was 144 lbs the other day when I got on the scale. Obviously, I am not mad at that! (#chemodiet)

Seriously though, the after-effects of chemo are crazy, and there are things I still can't eat. For example, hot dogs. Y'all, I LOVE hot dogs. But I can't stand the thought of eating a hot dog right now. I can make them for the kids, but I just can't do it myself. That makes me sad and I hope it passes before summer gets here, because one of my favorite things is swimming in the pool and eating grilled hot dogs. My sense of smell comes and goes too, which is odd, but whatever. I don't care as much about that as I do my beloved hot dogs!

I still haven't had any side effects from this Pembrolizumad (aka Keytruda) that I'm getting for the trial. My last treatment for that is actually this coming Tuesday. I'll go in for my bloodwork the day before, as usual. I'm hoping my red and white blood cell counts are back in the normal range. Last time, they were still low, but they were on the higher end of the low range, so I'm hopeful they'll be back to normal now.

Immunotherapy

It's been a couple of weeks since my last update, so I figured now would be a good time to sit down and write another one.

I had labs/blood work done on the 14th, which showed that my white blood cell count was still very low, as well as my red blood cell count, so I was told to basically continue to avoid all contact with anyone who has been sick recently. Considering this is the season for flu and strep and everyone has been sick, I should stay quarantined to avoid getting sick myself. My platelet count had also dropped a little bit, again, but was at the borderline for regular and low, so that wasn't concerning. I had my first of three immunotherapy treatments for the clinical trial on the 15th, which was 12 days ago. I received Pembrolizumab, aka Keytruda. This drug is already used to help in the treatment of cancers in the upper body, such as head and neck cancer, lung cancer, lymphoma, and melanoma. The purpose of the trial I'm participating in is to see if it can also help with cancers in other parts of the body. Chemo is used to slow the growth and destroy rapidly-dividing cancer cells in the body. The downside is, we also have rapidly-dividing cells in our body that are good, but the chemo can't distinguish between the two so it attacks all of them. That's why I got so sick, why my blood cell and platelet counts dropped so low, and I had to have the blood transfusion. But Pembro/Keytruda only goes after the cancerous cells, and also prevents them from hiding. I am incredibly lucky to be part of this trial to get this drug because it's extremely expensive and insurance doesn't cover it.

It was given to me through an IV in my arm, and took only 30 minutes. I did get some saline fluids beforehand, but that took even less time. They said there wouldn't be many side effects of this drug. Most common ones were joint pains, muscle pains, coughing, wheezing, general symptoms of an upper respiratory infection. I am happy to report that I've had none of those symptoms, for the most part. That first week after the treatment, I did have something - not sure how to explain it, except for like this: you know how when you work out or be very active and your muscles are tight-feeling the next morning, and you have to stretch them a lot? I had that feeling for the first week. It wasn't painful or even sore feeling, just basically a tightness feeling. I also had a sore throat for a week but that was due to pollen. If you're local in Alabama, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm no longer quarantining myself either, by default. My daughter made the soccer team at school, and due to practice EVERY SINGLE DAY after school, plus games, there's no way I could avoid human contact. Even if I'd wanted to, my two younger kids both ran fevers for days and with my husband working, I had no choice but to be around them. Zoey likes to stay right on top of me even when she's not sick, so avoiding her wasn't happening. Kollin, on top of his fever, also had diarrhea and vomiting. I thought maybe he had the flu, but a trip to Urgent Care proved otherwise. Point is, I made it through both of their sicknesses and didn't get sick myself, so I declared this QUARANTINE OVER.

I personally feel great. Every side effect I had from chemo is gone, except for my super thin hair, but I've started taking Biotin to help with that. I no longer have any side effects from radiation either, which was mainly just diarrhea and fatigue. I have my energy back and I feel like my old self again, for the most part. My brain and my body aren't on the same page - I don't quite have all my strength back yet, so when I try to do things (for example, yardwork with Kris last week) I tire out faster. That's okay though, it'll come. I'll get there again. I'm just glad to be able to do what I can now.

I go back for my next treatment on March 6th, but I'll have my labs/blood work done the day before. I'm curious and excited to see how my both of my blood cell & platelet counts are by then. As soon as they are all back up to normal range again, I am having my cancer ribbon tattoo retouched. I had it done two days after I was diagnosed, and since it is on the top of my foot, she couldn't do it deep and some of the color faded as it healed. I want to have it redone and have it healed up before swimming time!

In the meantime, it's so nice being out of the house again! I've done some yard work with my husband, went to Kylie's soccer games, painted Zoey's bedroom pink (she's only been asking for over a year), went to a birthday dinner for my friend Holli, and this coming weekend I am doing the Colors of Cancer Glow Run 5K. I won't be running, of course. I'll be walking, but it will be fun and I am looking forward to it. This will be my first 5K in the dark and all the glowing things are just a bonus. A few friends have signed up to do it with me, so I'm thankful for them for doing that. It will be fun to get out and do something. I'm a little desperate for a date night, seeing how the last one was November 3rd, the night I got the above-mentioned cancer ribbon tattoo. I realize that was only a few months ago, but so much has happened since then, that it feels like years ago. The only alone time Kris and I have had since then was going to chemo or radiation,but that's hardly a date, and definitely not romantic - but I wouldn't undo it for anything. I don't know what I would have done without him there with me every step of the way. He's the best, period.

BELL RINGING!

So I went in for brachytherapy and took all the radiation staff some goodies. I made some cupcakes and I made some teal cancer ribbons out of fondant to go on top of them. I also made some chocolate covered apple slices, and then just threw a bunch of other goodies in a bag because I ran out of time to do the rest of what I had planned. I bought some thank you cards and wrote them some personal notes and gave them out. I wish I would have taken pictures, but I didn't have time.

Turns out, it was my last Brachytherapy session! I don’t have to have the last one on Monday because my body responded so well. This session took a little longer than normal because they had a medical student come in and so they were talking about the whole process and showing him everything & explaining what they were doing (and why) as they did it. He’s the one you’ll see in the group photo. Yep, I told him to jump on in the pic with us. Anyway, my treatment itself was longer too since it was my last one, and then when it was over, Dr. Outlaw went up in my vag to cut the stitches and remove my Smit Sleeve. Apparently I’ve been spelling it wrong. When she told him what it was called, he repeated it and she said yep, Smit, S-M-I-T. Like Smith without the H. Dang it! I’m not going back and editing all the previous posts though.

I also asked Angel if they could tell me now exactly what stage the cancer was. If you recall, I had asked at the beginning and Dr. Scalici told me it was probably a 1B or 2A, but she couldn’t tell just yet for whatever reasons (I forgot) and I just never remembered to ask again. So Angel went and had Dr. Outlaw come tell me and show it to me on a diagram exactly where the tumor was and everything. Turns out it was a stage 2B cancer. How about that.

After that, we went out to the radiation lobby and got to ring the bell! Hardly anyone was there because it was after 4pm by then, and they leave early on Fridays. I tried to get Zoey to ring the bell with me, but she wouldn’t. I'm attaching photos. Please ignore the weird lumps in my hair. It’s super thin now because chemo caused a lot to fall out, so after laying flat on my back for hours for the treatment, it tends to look wonky. Also ignore how pale I am. Brachytherapy does that to me. My color is already back, mostly anyway. Zoey refused to be involved in any of the pics.

I’m happy my treatment is done, but I’m not happy to be done there. It's bittersweet. I've really come to love these people. I'm normal there. I'm not looked at all pitiful like I am by other people. I'm not 'the girl with cancer' when I'm there because everyone there has cancer. But I’ll be back there soon, as a volunteer in the radiation department, and I’m super excited about that part. That’s all the info I’m giving out about that. I don't want to jinx anything, plus it'll be tricky getting timing right as well as a sitter for Zoey. I'm sure by now everyone is tired of keeping her daily.

Brachytherapy #2

Brachytherapy/HDR number 2 went better than the first. It was still painful, but I guess just because I knew what to expect this time, it was easier to deal with. I took a new book to read this time while I waited the long time for the planning period. Apparently my nurses are all bookworms too, because they were all asking about the book and we all had a good laugh about it and the irony of it. In short, the book is about a woman who died from cancer and her husband keeps getting handwritten letters from her after she’s dead that apparently contain secrets about her that he never knew. I’ll attach pics of the back cover so you can read it for yourself.

Anyway, apparently we are passing this book around the nurses station when I finish it (which will be by tonight) and Brandy (another nurse) couldn’t wait, so she went and downloaded it as soon as she read the cover. I’m excited about that because I love discussing books.

I had labs done before brachytherapy to check all my levels. My platelets are fantastic now! Remember they had dropped down to 28, then dropped again to 25, so I had to do the blood transfusion and that got them up to 54. Yesterday, they were... drumroll.... 238!!! Does that tell you how horribly low they were? Yikes.
My white blood cell count, however, is still bad low. Normal range for someone in my position is 4.30-10. My count is 1.18. I asked her what that meant and she said, “It means you have no immune system right now. You can’t fight off infections or sickness and if you catch something, you’ll end up in the hospital.” So now I’m told not to go in public if necessary and if I do, then I must wear my medical mask and use GermX immediately after touching public doors, store buggies, etc. so I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t go to the ball or birthday party or my aunt’s event. I’m tired of being quarantined!

My first immunotherapy is next week on the 15th, so I have to go in on Valentines Day and get more blood work done for the trial.

When I’m done with brachytherapy, I plan to take some homemade goodies to all my nurses and doctors and some of the other staff members because seriously, they are the nicest people. And they saved my life. Yes, we are paying for those services, but these people go way above and beyond what is required of them. They all greet me by my name when I walk in, and treat me like family. There’s hugs at every single visit. Dottie and Raymond at the front door, they'll chase you down if you somehow manage to get past them without a hug. And then there's Joanie, my clinical trial worker. She has gone out of her way to check on me all the time. I see her at every visit, which obviously was a lot. She's been the one consistent person there through all of this. I am going to miss her, and everyone else, when it's all over.

Usually when cancer patient’s treatments are all over, they say they never want to see “that place” again. But this whole experience changed my life in more ways than one, and my treatments may be ending soon, but me going to that building won’t be ending. That’s all I’m saying for now. There’s still details that have to be worked out.

If any of you, whether I know you or not, have questions about ANYTHING, please feel free to ask. Seriously. No matter how personal, because clearly I have no problems sharing details. Want to know my symptoms, ask. I'm an open book.

Brachytherapy has begun.

I started Brachytherapy this past Friday. In case you're just joining in on the blog, brachytherapy is also called HDR, which stands for High Dose Radiation. It's done internally. This is how the first one went for me...

Unlike the external radiation, there was no Gas-X to take and no excessive amount of water to drink before each session. Instead, one hour before my appointment time, I have to take two pills: one is Dilaudid, which is for pain. The other is Valium, which is to make me relaxed and calm. When I got there, I got brought into the room to remove my clothes from the waist down & put on a gown. I was told to leave my socks on since the room is cold. Then I'm taken into the procedure room. I lay on a very narrow bed and my legs go up into stirrups. Not typical stirrups where your ankles sit in the little cup thing - nope, it's a long one. Everything from my knees to my feet go into the stirrups, and then they velcro a few straps over each leg. Then Angel (my nurse) tilts this table to where my butt is up in the air and my head is tilted down toward the ground, and then inserts a catheter into my peehole. This was not pleasant. It hurt quite a bit. I've never had a catheter put in when I was awake. She did put something on there beforehand to somewhat numb it, but it didn't help much. Anyway, one the catheter is in, she inflates some balloon up inside me to push my bladder away from the area that will be treated. After that, Dr. Outlaw comes in and inserts several metal rods into my smitt sleeve (the plastic tube they sewed into my vagina) to see which one is going to work the best for what needs to be done. This is also pretty painful, as you can imagine it would be. I mean, metal rods being put in and out of you, being tilted and shifted in different angles, it hurts. Once she found the one she wanted to use, Dr. Outlaw takes what felt like 40 yards of gauze (which is soaked in saline and KY Jelly for comfort) and packs it up into my vag. This is by far THE MOST PAINFUL PART. So as of that moment in time, I have a catheter, a balloon, a plastic tube, and metal rods inside me already. Now she's adding gauze. And the more she adds, the more painfully aware you become of all those things inside you. Everything hurts. It's taking everything in me to be still and not to move, and thankfully Vickie, the radiation tech, is up by my shoulders giving me pep talks and just talking to me about random things, trying to keep my mind off the process. She says just pretend I'm a turkey being stuffed for Thanksgiving, to which I immediately replied "Turkeys are dead!" They laughed, and then I did, and at least for a moment I wasn't thinking of the pain. But for real, OUCH. You think there's no possible way anything else is going to fit in there and she proves you wrong. Yall, I was never a slutty girl, my vag is not loose enough nor equipped to handle this type of load. Gah. Finally that's over, and then Angel pushes several big syringes of saline into the catheter to fill my bladder to max capacity. Then they very gently take my legs out of the stirrups and prop them up under a couple of pillows on the table. I get covered up with a few sheets, and then they tilt the table back flat and wheel my bed out into the hallway and down a million hallways. We end up in the room for a CT scan to make sure the placements of the rods (and everything else inside there) is exactly here it needs to be. Then we go back to the procedure room I was in and the waiting begins while they plan my treatment doses. This is serious business and takes a long time. This session took an hour and a half of waiting, which honestly I didn't mind. The only thing is you can not move! You have to lay there with the rod poking out of your vag and all that gauze and the full bladder and be as still as you possibly can. They turned on some music for me and Angel sat in there and talked to me for the majority of the time. I told her she didn't have to, but she said she had nothing else to do but paperwork and it could wait. We talked about lots of things and I enjoyed our conversations very much. I wish I could share them, but I am going to wait on that for now, but I'm super excited about some future plans! The other nurse came in for a bit and talked too, but she mostly stayed out there and did her paperwork while we waited. Finally, a man doctor comes into the room with some rolling machine. He hooks some wires from the machine to the thing in the closet, then some more wires from the machine to the rod sticking out of my vag. Dr. Outlaw says "It's showtime, see you in 184 seconds!" Wait what, that's only 3 minutes! Yes, the actual radiation part is 3 minutes. And I could feel it pulsing inside me. That part didn't hurt, just felt weird. When it was over, he came back into the room, unhooked the wires from my cooter-rod, then unhooked the other wire from the closet thing and left. Dr. Outlaw and the nurses come back in and she removes the gauze from in there. It felt... I don't know. In between uncomfortable and painful. She just kept pulling and pulling. You know the clown trick where they pull the colorful ribbon rope from his sleeve or hat and it just keeps coming and coming? That's what I pictured while it was happening. After that, she removed the rod and then Angel drained the saline from my bladder, and then removed the catheter. Again, OUCH. Although it wasn't as bad coming out as it as going in. After all of this, I am done. I get dressed and they rave about how great of a patient I was, how I must have a high pain threshold. I don't feel that way, because that shit hurt pretty bad... but they said if I saw how everyone else acted, I'd be amazed as how well I did. Hmm.

Overall, it was a long session. Started at 11, done at 3. Mercy. Only 4 more of these to go. Yay.
But then, I am done with it and all I'll have left is Immunotherapy for the trial.

Side effects from brachytherapy: Pain, obviously. Bleeding. Pain. Cramping. Pain. Soreness in the whole downstairs area. But considering everything they did, that's all to be expected.

As a result, everything we were supposed to do this weekend, I didn't do any of it. We were going to go to the St. Jude Joy of Life Ball last night, which I was really looking forward to because not only does the money go to St. Jude to help children with cancer, the band playing at the ball was Fly By Radio. First of all, I love them. Second of all, it seemed soo fitting that I'd see them at the end of my cancer journey because in a way, it started with them too. No, the band didn't give me cancer. But the night we went to see the play for my birthday back in September is the same night my symptoms got so bad that I knew it was time to call the doctor. So since they were at the beginning of it all, it was going to feel a little symbolic and awesome to me to see them at the end of it. But like I said, I didn't get to go. However -- my friend Erinn, who is on the committee of the ball, surprised me with a video clip of her and the band giving me a personal get well message and blowing me kisses. Kris saw it before I did and of course I got teary-eyed. It meant so much that she went out of her way to do that, and that they took time to actually do it. We also had a birthday party for a friend's twin boys and another event at my aunt's house and I just didn't go to any of them. I hope everyone understands. It's almost over y'all, just bear with me.

So anyway, that's the update on that. I get to go back this week and do it all again on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But they said these won't be as bad as the first one. The first one is always the worst, they said. And at least now I know what to expect.

Second update this week!

I usually only do updates once a week, but this week called for another one!

As you know, Kelly took my picc line out Tuesday and the doctor gave me antibiotics for the swelling and skin issues. It’s a good thing, because it was indeed infected. It got super red and a rash went down my whole arm and the red area around it got really warm to the touch. Today, the warmth is gone and the rest is looking better, but there's a huge knot where the hole in my arm is, where the tube/line went into my arm.

Wednesday, I went in for radiation as usual, and when I finished, they all came into the room and gave me a certificate of completion and told me I was done! I was confused because I have another week of it to do, but they said since the tumor was responding so well to the treatment and the exam showed it was 75% smaller, that Dr. Outlaw decided I didn’t have to do the last week because the Brachytherapy will knock it on out. Debbie said I could ring the bell, but Kris wasn’t with me so I didn’t do it. I decided to wait until I finish Brachytherapy and then do it. I want him to be there with me when I do it because he’s just as much a part of it as I am and without him, I couldn’t have done it.

Thursday (yesterday) I had to do the blood transfusion. I got two bags of blood. It was weird mentally, watching blood go into my body and know that it isn’t even mine. I mean, it is now, but you know. Physically, no, I couldn’t feel it going into my body. Kris kept cracking vampire jokes. I sure do love him. He will never understand how much, or how thankful I am that he's been with me through every step of the way.

Everyone keeps asking if it made me feel better. That’s a hard question to answer because I didn’t feel really bad before I got it. Just weak and real pale. Afterwards, I slept for a while (thanks Benadryl!) and when I woke up, I definitely didn’t feel as weak and I had color to my face again. I don’t get exhausted doing simple things now, like throwing laundry into the dryer. I guess I didn't realize how weak I was because I'd gotten so used to it, and didn't know how weak I truly was until I wasn't weak anymore. So the answer is yes, I do feel better. I'm incredibly thankful for the people who selflessly donate blood. I will definitely be paying it forward, if I'm allowed to donate. I don't know how it works. I'll have to ask.

My stomach still feels wonky now and then, and I still get nauseated quite a bit. Definitely right now at this moment. I wish I could pinpoint what causes it to feel gross but I can’t. It’s completely random. I do know the smell of hot dogs makes me sick. That's sad because I love hot dogs.

I go in Monday morning at 5:30 to have my platelets checked again, and if they’re at an acceptable level for surgery, then we’ll go on and do the biopsy and put in the Smitt Sleeve. If they’re still too low, we’ll just have to reschedule, again. Kris is on night shift that day, so he will be with me. He’s worried about me being alone and in pain that night, but I’ll manage.

What a day.

Here’s an update for those following my kicking-cancer’s-ass journey: I went in for blood work today to check my platelets. They didn’t go up. They went down. My platelet count is now 25,000 so now I’m scheduled for a blood transfusion Thursday morning. My hemoglobin count is also very low.

Even with the low platelet count, they had to take a risk & remove the picc line from my arm because it was very red & swollen, and the skin was severely cracked and blistered and really hurt. Kelly (in the lab) is a fucking rockstar. They didn't want it removed yet because I was running a slight fever yesterday so they were afraid it was becoming infected. She had tried to get them t take it out last week since they said no more chemo, but they said no. But she fought tooth and nail for me today, and won this time. So now the picc line is gone and I just picked up antibiotics for it. I can't wait to be able to take a shower without a sleeve again. To feel the shampoo in my hair. To feel my hands in general!

Dr. Scalici did an exam on me today and said the tumor felt 75% smaller than when we started, so that’s awesome news! Now we just hope I can hang in there and outlive the tumor. #diebarbdie

Besides this, I’ve been doing very well since they stopped my chemo. As of today, I’ve been chemo-free for two weeks and for the most part, I feel so much better. I’m still doing radiation every day, and as long as my issues don’t cause me to miss any sessions, I will be done with external radiation a week from tomorrow!
Then starting next Friday, I’ll have 5 sessions of the internal radiation, called Brachytherapy. I was supposed to have the surgery tomorrow for them to put in the Smitt Sleeve, but they cancelled it due to the platelet count. It’s being rescheduled for Monday, I believe, in hopes that my counts are up enough by then. Tomorrow I have to go to radiation and then to the hospital to do labwork for the transfusion.

I haven’t been sick really since chemo. I have a little more energy. I no longer have the metal taste in my mouth, so I can use normal forks and spoons again. I can eat normal, but bland, foods again, but not quite whatever I want. My tummy isn’t ready for that. I can drink Dr. Pepper again! I could technically have a margarita or other drink if I wanted, but I’m not ready for that yet either. I want to wait until I finish everything and my stomach is normal again. Even the Dr. Pepper, I don't have much of. I've gone months without it, I can continue to survive without it. Best part is, I've been able to drive myself so that's a huge help!

Current side effects are still pain when I pee, diarrhea, occasional nausea, dizzy spells, and I lose energy quick if I try to do too much. This is all from radiation, so it’ll go away when I finish. I’m really pale right now but that’s due to the platelets. She said my color will come back after the transfusion and I’ll feel good again. Crazy thing is, I really don’t feel terribly bad right now. I did get real sick Monday night. Like stomach pains and then I threw up all over the bathroom, but I am almost positive that it was what I ate because I felt fantastic before I ate and almost immediately felt bad afterwards. Oh well. I was fine after I threw up.

So that’s what’s up right now. I’m hanging in there and keep telling myself it’s almost over and that’s about all I can do. I’m kinda bummed about going alone tomorrow. I'm worried that I may get dizzy after they draw more blood, but if that happens, I’ll just call someone or sit and wait til I feel better. I’m not doing anything to put myself in danger, don’t worry guys! Edit to update: my uncle Dewayne is coming to drive me to my appointments.

Surgery went well!

Monday I had to go to the hospital for surgery, but I had to get my blood work done first to check my platelets before we could proceed. They had come up from a 25,000 to a 54,000 (which is still low, but better) so we got the green light. They also said my white blood cell count was low, but I don’t know what the numbers were for that.

I was given anesthesia and wheeled off. I recall them telling Kris to go through a door to the right and wait there as they were pushing my bed down the hall, and then I was awake in some other room and he was beside me. It was all over. I was feeling some pretty intense cramping and soreness down there, so they gave me some morphine in my IV.
Yall.... I don’t do heavy meds or painkillers. I just don’t. So when I do, things get crazy. Kris has a video clip of me talking about the door situation and then I decided I was ET when I saw the glowing thing on my finger. I recall telling a nurse she was very pretty (he said she actually wasn’t at all, but I guess that makes it even nicer because I probably made her day.) I told him - loudly - to look at the other nurse’s butt, the one in the green pants, because she has (and I quote) a big ol’ booty. I made some people go hunt down this lady who works in the lab or something because she called me three times in a row the day I got my blood transfusion and I was trying to sleep, and she just kept talking and calling back knowing I was sleeping. So I just wanted to meet her in person so I’d know who she was. She walked up and I said “Kim, 3-4513!” That’s her phone line extension number, don’t ask how I remembered that in the state I was in, or why I felt like telling her because obviously she knows her name and number. Me on meds is kinda like being drunk. You’re aware of what you’re saying and doing, but it’s like your brain is on autopilot. I look back and I’m like oh gahhh, why did I say that? But it was funny. At least the video clip part was.

As for the surgery, first they did a biopsy for the clinical trial I’m participating in. Then after that, they installed the Smitt Sleeve, which is a small plastic tube that goes in my vagina to hold the rods in place for the internal radiation (aka Brachytherapy.) The tube was sewn in there and it stays in me until we finish Brachytherapy on Feb.12th. They said I wouldn’t be able to feel it, but I do. I cramped for about 24 hours after the surgery, but it’s not painful otherwise. When I move in certain positions, I can feel it kinda pinch in there. It caused some light bleeding, which I still have, but nothing major. I’m used to bleeding anyway.

Kris said Dr. Scalici told him she didn’t see any of the tumor left, and that they basically had to cut a chunk of my flesh where the tumor *was* for the biopsy. This is good news. I wish I’d have been awake to hear it. I’m trying not to get too excited just yet though. Not until treatments are ALL over and we do more scans to make sure the cancer hasn’t moved somewhere else. I want to be optimistic and say that won’t happen, but it can, and does, happen to people all the time. So for now, I’m just hoping for the best.

I start Brachytherapy on Friday. Two days from now. I’m nervous, and slightly terrified. I don’t know what to expect. Angel (Dr. Outlaw's nurse, who I just adore)said it's not as bad as what I read about. We'll see. I don’t know how long this will take. I am scared of what the side effects will be. The thought of laying on my back with my legs in stirrups and having to be super still for hours while metal rods are in my lady-basement is not something that was ever on my bucket list. I ordered a book from amazon to take and read while I wait in awkwardness. Getting lost in someone else’s world usually helps me forget about mine for a while.
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. I feel like I am forgetting something, but if I am, I’ll just add it to the next update. It’s late and I’m tired.

Heyyyy youuu guyyyyysss....

Today is Tuesday, chemo day. I felt pretty decent this morning which is one of life's cruel jokes lately. Like it's saying Hey, let's have her wake up feeling great so that it'll suck extra bad later when she feels like chewed up shit. That sounds fun, right? Anyway... Kris decided we should take a picture together, so we did before we left.

I walked in doing a little shimmy and had Shanika (our favorite receptionist) laughing because I was dancing. She’s seen my worst days, and always helped me get into the infusion room fast when I was super sick and needing fluids and nausea meds. She liked that I was feeling good. It's possibly because I had a patch that Erin ( one of my nurses) gave me to try to help with the sickness since I seem to keep getting worse and worse each time. She said it's a miracle drug, and if it works, we'll figure out a way to get more, but they're crazy expensive : $600 per patch and insurance doesn't cover them.

Bad news: labwork said my platelets were dangerously low today. They were a 28. Last week they were 76, before that, they were 100. (Thousand) If you’re like me and didn’t know what that meant, it’s not a good thing. It means if I bleed, it won’t clot. I’ll basically bleed to death. So now I’ve got a list of things I’m not allowed to do: I can’t shave with a normal razor, it has to be electric so I don’t cut myself. Can’t use knives or scissors or anything sharp. Certain products I’m not allowed to use, like toothpaste with tartar control. I can’t floss in case it causes my gums to bleed. Had to buy an ultra soft toothbrush so again, my gums don’t bleed. Certain foods I can’t eat-fresh fruits and veggies. I don’t understand this at all but whatever. Can’t be around live plants or flowers. (Huh?) Can’t deal with pet waste, including aquariums, which didn’t matter because that’s Kris’s thing anyway. Just find it odd. I can’t do any housework (no, she honestly said that) and I can’t do anything that would cause me to get a bruise. There’s a big list of stuff they gave me. It’s weird. Anyway, my count today was at 28,000 and once you reach 20,000 your body can bleed without injury so you have to get a transfusion. Not cool.

Good news: NO MORE CHEMO!! I’ll take that. Unfortunately, it's not because I finished. They said my body physically can not handle it anymore. I told y’all the chemo was trying to kill me, didn’t I!? They said it was to the point it was doing more harm than good, and we just couldn't continue.

I still have 11 more radiation treatments to go, then the Brachytherapy (internal radiation) and then the immunotherapy. But that chemo was fucking brutal and I’m over the moon happy to be done with that, regardless of the reason. I just hate that we wasted this billion dollar patch. I was genuinely curious to see if it could win the battle against chemo. Patch vs Cisplatin. Guess we don't find out today. I'm good with that, but I feel really bad because someone else out there as sick as me could have actually used it.

Next Wednesday, I have a biopsy for the clinical trial. I have to be there at 5:30am so they can prep me and get me put to sleep because apparently this is going to be an intense one. Yikes.

Anyway, just wanted to share my exciting news. I totally cried when Erin called to confirm the chemo was done. No shame. The fight isn’t over yet, but this is indeed a victory for me. It puts me one step closer to feeling like myself again. Eating normal food again, and just not feeling sick all the time.

Good news and bad news.

Side effects continue to appear. The numb fingers and toes are getting worse, mainly my fingers, and it makes holding things difficult because I can’t feel it in my hand. I keep dropping things and I feel like such a clutz. I can’t even open jars or things with lids but that’s due to lack of strength, not the numbness. I can't even wash my own hair because I can't feel the shampoo bubbles to know if it's rinsed out, and I can't shave myself because I'm scared I'll drop the razor and cut myself. I feel so helpless. It's ridiculous.
They told me the radiation would cause me to feel burning and pain when I pee (like a UTI) because the bladder is right there close to the tumor and it’s affected by the radiation. Well, that’s started to happen. Definity hurts when I pee now and all I can do is take Azo for it because it’s not really an infection. I’m bleeding again, and have been since last week.

Chemo this week was rough. Kris said he could actually see my skin change color as I was getting the chemo itself. He said I turn a green color during treatment, then a pale white afterwards, so he decided to document the before (left) and after (on the right.)

That's scary. I was sick before even leaving the building. They told me to double up on my meds and see if that helped any, so Tuesday night I was extremely doped up. Two phenergan at 6pm, a Zofran at 9, two more phenergan at midnight, Zofran at 3am, then two more phenergan at 6am. At 6am when I took the meds, I got up to make sure the kids were up for school and I felt okay, but as soon as I laid my head down on the pillow less than 2 minutes later, nausea hit me hard and that was it, we went on and started getting ready to go in for fluids and IV meds. Ridiculous. I keep telling myself only one more chemo after this, right? God, I hope so. I don't know how much more my body can take. I am trying to be strong and stay positive, but it's not working. I feel so beat down and broken. Defeated.

So now to the good news/bad news part.

After Kris took me in for fluids Weds morning, we went downstairs for radiation and Dr. Outlaw wanted to do an exam to see if the tumor is shrinking. The good news is that it is shrinking. Everything is doing its job, and it’s 33% smaller than it was when we started. She said it’s also much softer to the touch, and that the bleeding I’ve been having here recently is from the tumor dying off. She told me I’ll have more of the bleeding as it continues to die, but that it’s a good thing. Now explain that to my brain, because it tells me to panic every time I see blood.
The bad news, is that as long as I am getting external radiation, I have to continue chemo. And because of them being closed for the holidays, those radiation days got added on at the end, so now I don’t have just one more chemo left like we thought - I have three. To say I am devastated wouldn’t suffice. I cried. Ugly cried. A lot. But it is what it is, I guess. Like I said, defeated...

In other news, people haven’t stopped surprising me yet. In a good way. So many people are constantly checking on me to see if I need anything or just saying “I’m thinking of you” and it means so much. People who barely know me have sent me little things like lotions and creams to try to help with my pain and discomfort, and it brings me to tears. I have so many people, some I don’t know at all, donating to our gofundme account and some send checks in the mail to help with medical costs. The kayak fishing club we are in is hosting an online raffle and giving us all of the proceeds for my medical costs. I’ve been told that the Sea Hut, a local lounge we visit, is going to be doing some kind of benefit for me as well. It’s so overwhelming and yet so incredibly appreciated. I’m just trying to think of a way to be able to pay all of this forward someday.

I know my husband will be glad when I’m back to my normal self. He’s been doing everything that I can’t, on top of all the things he normally does, plus working a lot. If there was ever any question how he would handle the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows, the answer is clear now. He has been beyond amazing through all of this. I know it must be hard on him. I can’t imagine. Work, plus taking care of. me, plus the kids. I miss my kids. I feel like I only see them on weekends. I’m so sick during the week that I stay in my room hiding from the food smells that make me nauseous, or doped up/asleep from the nausea meds and poor Zoey is either at Sharon or Nanny’s house all week. I miss my baby girl’s cuddles. I’m ready to be a mom again. I’m ready to be a wife again. I’m just ready to feel human again. I’ll get there, because I have an awesome support system. I'm just impatient.

This week was a rollercoaster.

Usually, I've already written the blog update for the week by now, but as the title says, it was a rollercoaster.

Monday : No treatment today because they're closed for New Years Day. Today was a good day. Like a really good day. I felt somewhat normal, like my old self. Nothing hurt. No nausea. No general yuckiness. Decent amount of energy. I actually sat in the living room most of the day, got some cleaning done, stuff like that. And then night time came. Physically I was still fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. Crying into my pillow because I felt good, and I didn't want to get up in the morning and start the sickness all over again. It's so hard when you know exactly how you're going to feel. For me, it's like having the absolute worst day of morning sickness when I was pregnant PLUS the worst stomach bug I've ever had, both at the same time. It's brutal. And it's not something I look forward to intentionally putting myself through each week. But it's this or die, so options are shitty either way. I don't want to feel this way. The constant freezing is awful, but chemo days are worse because I may as well just go lay in snow naked because I imagine that's what this is like. It's gotten to the point where I sleep in thick leggings, a long sleeve shirt, a fleece hoodie, wool socks, under a quilt and an extra blanket, and a space heater on my side of the bed pointing at me because even with all of that, I'm still freezing. Poor Kris sleeps in nearly nothing, on top of the covers, with the fan on him because I'm burning him up. Sometimes he sleeps on the couch instead because it's entirely too hot in the bedroom for him. He doesn't see how I can be cold. I take my own blanket to chemo because the ones they give me there just don't keep me warm.

Tuesday : Chemo day. Kris had night shift last night, so he gets home from work at 7:15am, eats breakfast and we're out the door. Signed in for chemo at 7:45am. I just looked out my car window and cried all the way there. I don’t know if Kris knows that. If he did, he spared my feelings and didn’t say anything about it. But I mean damn, it's hard. It's so hard to go in there and no exactly how I'm going to feel later. Like getting on a plan that you know is going to crash, but you have to get on it anyway.
Today we got the corner nook (my fav) and they put an older couple in there with us. The wife was getting chemo and she was having a rough of a time as I am with it, as far as side effects. Metallic taste in mouth, can't stomach most foods anymore. Smells make me nauseous. I'll want some food, but then I smell it and can't eat it. I can't even eat from metal forks and spoons. Kris bought me a pink plastic fork and spoon set to use. He's so sweet, thinking of the little things. We finished chemo, went down for radiation, and got home around 4:30pm.Poor Kris was able to get a tiny little cat-nap in, and then he had to leave for work again at 6pm. I hate this for him. He shouldn't have to deal with this. I saw a girl wearing tall Ugg boots with the fur inside them She was also getting chemo and I caught myself dreaming of how warm her feet must be in those, so I've decided to return some Tieks and buy some Ugg boots instead. Maybe that will help prevent invisible frostbite on my toes. I can't feel my toes (neuropathy) so I don't know but just the slight hope that they could keep my feet warm is worth it.

Wednesday : To my surprise, I didn't get sick last night! I seem to be doing a little better and better each week. I'm still taking nausea meds every 3 hours around the clock, still setting my alarm at night to wake up and take them. But then I got in the shower, and got dizzy when I was getting out. My ears started ringing, which happens all the time now. I also have sensory issues. I can't feel my fingers, sometimes I can't feel certain spots on my legs. I drove myself to the doctor today for radiation, and to see Dr. Outlaw. I talked to her about the new side effects today after radiation and she said that it's normal. It's funny what 'normal' is now. I don't think it's normal at all to touch your body and not be able to feel it at all. Anyway, after the shower making me dizzy and everything, nausea kicked in and I couldn't shake it, and I knew I couldn't drive myself home. So after I did radiation, I went back upstairs for fluids and to get some Zofran in my picc. By then, Kris was awake, so he drove out to meet me and then took me to lunch. I ordered a caesar salad, a bowl of potato soup, some rolls, and a pink lemonade. Couldn't eat the salad (but it tasted really good!) and the lemonade was too sweet. I managed to eat all of the soup and a roll. I'll consider it a small win. Stomach felt gross the rest of the day, and I was exhausted and felt like I was walking around in a fog, but again, that's my new normal. It's not puking, so I'll take it.

Thursday : Woke up feeling gross. Got a shower, got dizzy again, actually threw up this time. Stomach grossness increased. Kris is off today, so he and Zoey drove me to radiation and then we were going to go to the grocery store. (Sadly, I was excited about that.) My 15 minute radiation appt at 10:45 turned into some big stupid ordeal over another ghost fart. Apparently I am a really gassy person. She can't do my radiation because of a big air bubble. Told me to go walk for about 10 minutes and do some squats (are you kidding me??) and try to pass it. I did that as best as I could to my ability, she took me back, did another scan, says air bubble is even bigger now. Tells me to go get some lunch and go to walgreens and buy some Gas-X and come back at 1:15. Well, I can't stomach 90% of foods right now, so eating didn't work. I got some fries but they were so soggy and I just couldn't eat them, and ended up sick feeling. Took the Gas-X, then had to drink the 30 oz of water (again) required to fill my bladder in order to get radiation. (Bladder has to be full because it pushes the tumor into a certain position to receive treatment.) So now I've smelled all this food, but ate none of it, drank tons of water and ate Gas-X so I'm nauseous again and have stressed myself into a bad headache. Needless to say, I got radiation and ended up in the bed while he went to the store without me. To a normal healthy person, on a normal day, 30 oz of water is nothing. To me, in this current state of constant dehydration and sickness, drinking 30 oz of water is the equivalent of a healthy person guzzling an entire keg real quick.

Friday : Radiation isn't until 3pm today, so I stayed in bed until noon. Can't shake this headache. I know it's just stress, but man. So much to remember. Meds every 3 hours, but remember which one's turn it is to take. Don't forget to take gas-x 30 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to drink 30 oz of water 20 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to put your sleeve on before getting in the shower. Don't make the water too hot or you'll get dizzy again. Too much. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard sometimes. Today wasn't entirely terrible though. Got through radiation without air bubbles, kids got report cards and got all As, of course. I didn't even know it was report card time. I feel like such a shit mom lately. I miss my kids, even if they do annoy me sometimes. Kris told me in bed that it's okay if I cry. I told him I only do that when no one is around to see it. They think I'm strong. Man, if they only knew. But I'll hide everything s much as I can and keep letting them think it. But I don't think I realized how much I needed to hear that. I keep trying so hard to be strong and be tough and it doesn't always work, but I still try. When people text me and ask how I'm feeling, I just say "I'm hanging in there" or "could be worse" because I don't want to be that person. But I kinda am that person, even if it's hard to admit it to myself. I just miss my life. I miss walking into the kitchen and eating or drinking whatever I want to. Or just the general feeling of not feeling like I'm getting over a nasty stomach virus that doesn't exist.

Today is Saturday, and **knock on wood** I feel good. Ate scrambled eggs and grits for breakfast, survived the shower with no dizziness or anything, and my stomach is only slightly gross feeling. It's definitely got the makings of a good day. Kylie just made herself a grilled cheese and I didn't even get nauseous, so fingers crossed it stays this way!

So here's what's left: a few more chemo treatments, 2 more weeks of external radiation, then 2 weeks of internal radiation, and 3 immunotherapy treatments. The chemo is the killer (which is ironic since it's also what's saving my life) and what's causing all the side effects. Once it's over, I'll be better off. I've just got to keep pushing through. I'm doing my very best.