Hell or glory--I don't want anything in between.

This year was an altering one for me in more ways than imaginable. But it's over, finally, and so I felt it was time to ponder on some of the things I learned along the way. Then I decided that maybe, just maybe, if I put it in writing, I could remind myself of it and try not to make the same mistakes again in this coming new year.

Things aren't always what they seem, or appear to be. I learned this both ways. One by assuming things and running my mouth, only to later have to remove my foot from it. Granted, I did try to get the real story. It just didnt work out, so all I had left were my assumptions, but still, they were wrong and that's what I get for assuming. I also know because I proved it myself. Yeah, I know how things looked when I left. I know the timing of it was mighty convenient. But that's all it was, was a coincidence. Which brings me to my next point...

You can't believe everything you hear. Chances are, it's true. But chances are even higher that it's not true. In which case, you're just spreading rumors, and no one likes that person. I had plenty spread about me this year. More in the recent months than earlier on, but oh well. We're all guilty of it at some point or another, so I don't hold it over anyone's head. Some of it was true, obviously, but other parts, not so much. I think it's just time we all started trying to get our facts straight before we talk. All of us. If we aren't sure about something, we need to ask. Do not assume.

Timing is everything, and planning is nothing. 

I learned that you can put yourself back out there in the work world, regardless of how long you've been gone. Yeah, the economy is bad. But with alot of determination and a little praying, you can get a decent job. With a little luck, you can have a great job just fall into your lap. :)

I learned that friends drift apart. It's probably nothing personal, just sometimes life itself intervenes and takes people down different paths and we have to accept that. That even if we don't talk everyday, it doesn't mean we aren't friends at all, just that we aren't the 'us' we used to be. I've drifted away from some great friends this year. I have gotten reunited with others that I hadn't talked to in years. I've made some amazing new friends that I love dearly. That sometimes we just need time to deal with personal issues amongst ourselves, and then we'll fall back together when the time is right.

True friendship isn't about being inseparable.
It's about being seperated and nothing changes.

I learned that miracles do exist. That good things do come to those who wait. That if someone is meant to have something in their life, whether it be a new house, a baby, or whatever... they will get it. And if not, then they won't.

I learned alot of things about my past, remembered some things about other parts, and why I feel the way I do about certain things. Why some things bother me so much, and why I'm so paranoid about things. And I learned that I have to let it go and move past it, truly move past it, before I can ever really move on and make things different. Some of it I can learn from, and know better how to protect them. And others, I just have to learn that I can't run from...

I learned that road trips with friends and live music are more fun than I could've ever imagined. Until I get drunk and make an ass of myself... But I also learned that I can recover from it.

I learned alot about my family. That my brother isn't as annoying as I thought he was, but that he just tries too hard to get our approval because he feels like he needs it. That my sister has grown up alot in so many ways, but in all equalness, still has a long way to go. I learned I never gave either of them a chance really, until I moved in with them for that short while and got to know them better. I learned that I have pretty much entirely missed out on both of my younger sisters' lives. That I don't really know much about them. I learned that all of this breaks my heart tremendously, considering for a long time there, I was their mother. Or rather the closest thing they had to one at the time, for a couple of years anyway. Speaking of which, I learned that my mother has never really let go. Of the past. Of him. That she never will. And that because of this, she will always have a drinking problem, and that my family has accepted this.

I learned that no matter what, someone is always going to find a reason to not like me. To criticize me, my life, or my way of doing things.

I learned, most importantly, what it takes to make me happy. That I need to be my own person, with my own identity, and not hide that person. To not be just "Chris's wife" or "Riley/Kylie's mom"  or "so & so's friend."  That I need to be me. That I need to shine in my own light. I need freedom to make my own decisions, and I need those decisions to be supported.

"She knows she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose."
--Thousand Foot Krutch


Having said all that, here are my resolutions for 2009.

I will not assume things. I will try to get the story. If I have reasonable doubt, I will not repeat it. And if I do, it will be only be repeated to try to get the truth, and with the clear understanding that I am uncertain about its level or truthfulness to begin with. I will not assume that just because someone is somewhere with someone else, that it means they are together, or have something going on, unless clear actions are made to indicate otherwise.

I will stress less over friendships drifting apart, and focus more on the people who want to be in my life and be my friends. Those who actually want to spend time with me, instead of those who never have time for me, regardless of how much I ask. I will not concern myself with the guilt trips they try to impose on me, yet blow me off when I ask them about the same issues I received the guilt trips for.

I will find a way to move past everything inside me. Maybe I'll talk more about it. Maybe I'll keep a journal of my thoughts as they occur. But I will  finally release them instead of trying to bury them inside, hoping they will go away.

I will smile more. Gap and all. :D Maybe even for picture occasionally. But I make no promises there.

I will be myself. My true self, in every dysfunctional or scary way. And I will let you love me or hate me for it, but I will still be me at the end of the day, and not care what people think about it so much. I will say what I want to say and not be afraid of who will hear it. I will post pictures and not be concerned with who is offended by them. Because after all, this is MYspace. My place to be who I am, and show it. And if you don't want to see them, or read what I say, then you don't have to be here.

I will spend more time with my family. Both the ones I live with, and the ones I don't. I will know them. Truly know them. Ask questions about their life. Be there for them like they were for me.

Should you see me slipping from these, or veering off course, kindly point me back in the direction of this blog. And if I don't seem to be paying attention, boldly yell out, "Bitch, read the blog. You wrote it, that was the purpose, to remind your stubborn ass of what you wanted in life."  I may roll my eyes, but I'll love you for it later. :)

I'm a dork, but you know you love me.

I am easily irritated and very emotional these days, and hell if I know why.
Just bear with me. Or ignore me. Either or.

I absolutely LOVE my job, and I don't plan on leaving it anytime soon. Unless something creepy happens, in which case I'll just go to another hotel with a security guard, preferably one closer, but I'd work the same shift because I like it this way.

I have come to realize that everyone will let you down at some point. Everyone.
So, I've decided to lower my standards of people in general & hope for the best.

I need to go camping sometime in the very near future - bonfire, smores & all.

I am tired of feeling like I'm being taken advantage of, and feeling unappreciated for all the little things I do for you.

Sometimes I am friends with people just to keep the peace.

I wish I could afford that Invisalign thing (the invisible braces) so I could close up this gap in my teeth. Then maybe I'd be more inclined to actually smile for pictures.

My hair is growing out finally and that makes me extremely happy.

I'll be glad when I'm a little more stable with things and can get enrolled into Cosmetology school.
Then Sarah and I can pass notes in class.

I seriously want to go parasailing and ride in a hot air balloon.

I wish more people would take into consideration my sleep needs during the day. I mean, that's my "night-time" and I certainly don't text them at 3am while they're trying to sleep... so just keep in mind when I don't reply to your texts til after 1pm (or sometimes even 3pm) that I was asleep, so don't cop an attitude about it.

I pretend I'm a hell of a lot more confident about myself than I really am.

I love my boots. :D

I will probably never grow up.

I've never played paintball, but I would really like to.

I love taking pictures, posing for them and editing them, but I could never be a real model because I like things on my terms.

I'm completely excited that this is the first Christmas in 5 years that I've bought gifts with my money, and not money I hid from Chris out of his paychecks.

You think I'm playing about that midget stripper girl in those fishnet tights, but I'm not. I need that in my life.  :D

I can't stand when people try to tell me what I'm thinking and/or how I'm feeling, based purely on their own analyzations. You're not in my head, you don't know what I'm thinking, so stop assuming.

I still don't know how to swim. But I can doggypaddle like a summabish.

I am completely terrified of the stairwell at work. It creeps me out to the fullest because it reminds me of something from a scary movie.

I am constantly comparing myself to other girls to see how I measure up, even though I don't try to & don't mean to.

I want a baby fuzzy-butt kitten that's allll mine.

Someday I want to buy a motor-home and just travel the United States for a few months, with no real plans or destination. I just want to go from city to city based on what places look good in that day's gas station brochures.

I want to see a real live igloo. But only for a hot minute (or rather, cold minute) because I don't like freezing. I would however, freeze my ass off willingly to go skiing. We should road trip it one week just to find snow and go skiing.

I want to try that ProActiv stuff but I am entirely too skeptical to spend my money on it in case it doesn't work.

This summer, you will find me at Blue Bayou at least once, even if it kills me getting there. It's in Baton Rouge, for those of you wondering. And they have a website. Google it and look at the checkered yellow and blue slide--it's THE ONE. And I need to experience it.

RockBand is calling my name. I can hear it. I am calling back, but it isn't coming to me.

I'm an absolutely horrible singer but I love some karaoke. I think we need to go back to Gambino's, like ASAP. Cause even our friends under 21 can go there, and drink too. ;)

My family is completely dysfunctional in every sense of the word, and even though they annoy me endlessly sometimes and piss me off, I still love them with everything in me and I have no idea what I'd do without them. (No, not Chris and the kids, but the rest of the family.)

I need rugs. Lots and lots of rugs. I've actually considered just buying carpet and being done with it.

Politics irritate me to no end, and I couldn't be happier that all the election mess is over.

I miss Discovery Zone every day of my life. And if you don't even know what that is, you're saaad. Sad! (Yes, that was worth saying twice. lol)

I know it's gross, but I love plucking ingrown hairs. And popping zits. Especially the ones that make the weird sounds and slam into the mirror.

I desperately want to get some of that bisqueen (however you spell it) and create a giant, massive slip-n-slide. That makes my heart smile just thinking of all the fun we'd have, and the retarded pictures we could take.