This year was an altering one for me in more ways than imaginable. But it's over, finally, and so I felt it was time to ponder on some of the things I learned along the way. Then I decided that maybe, just maybe, if I put it in writing, I could remind myself of it and try not to make the same mistakes again in this coming new year.
Things aren't always what they seem, or appear to be. I learned this both ways. One by assuming things and running my mouth, only to later have to remove my foot from it. Granted, I did try to get the real story. It just didnt work out, so all I had left were my assumptions, but still, they were wrong and that's what I get for assuming. I also know because I proved it myself. Yeah, I know how things looked when I left. I know the timing of it was mighty convenient. But that's all it was, was a coincidence. Which brings me to my next point...
You can't believe everything you hear. Chances are, it's true. But chances are even higher that it's not true. In which case, you're just spreading rumors, and no one likes that person. I had plenty spread about me this year. More in the recent months than earlier on, but oh well. We're all guilty of it at some point or another, so I don't hold it over anyone's head. Some of it was true, obviously, but other parts, not so much. I think it's just time we all started trying to get our facts straight before we talk. All of us. If we aren't sure about something, we need to ask. Do not assume.
Timing is everything, and planning is nothing.
I learned that you can put yourself back out there in the work world, regardless of how long you've been gone. Yeah, the economy is bad. But with alot of determination and a little praying, you can get a decent job. With a little luck, you can have a great job just fall into your lap. :)
I learned that friends drift apart. It's probably nothing personal, just sometimes life itself intervenes and takes people down different paths and we have to accept that. That even if we don't talk everyday, it doesn't mean we aren't friends at all, just that we aren't the 'us' we used to be. I've drifted away from some great friends this year. I have gotten reunited with others that I hadn't talked to in years. I've made some amazing new friends that I love dearly. That sometimes we just need time to deal with personal issues amongst ourselves, and then we'll fall back together when the time is right.
True friendship isn't about being inseparable.
It's about being seperated and nothing changes.
I learned that miracles do exist. That good things do come to those who wait. That if someone is meant to have something in their life, whether it be a new house, a baby, or whatever... they will get it. And if not, then they won't.
I learned alot of things about my past, remembered some things about other parts, and why I feel the way I do about certain things. Why some things bother me so much, and why I'm so paranoid about things. And I learned that I have to let it go and move past it, truly move past it, before I can ever really move on and make things different. Some of it I can learn from, and know better how to protect them. And others, I just have to learn that I can't run from...
I learned that road trips with friends and live music are more fun than I could've ever imagined. Until I get drunk and make an ass of myself... But I also learned that I can recover from it.
I learned alot about my family. That my brother isn't as annoying as I thought he was, but that he just tries too hard to get our approval because he feels like he needs it. That my sister has grown up alot in so many ways, but in all equalness, still has a long way to go. I learned I never gave either of them a chance really, until I moved in with them for that short while and got to know them better. I learned that I have pretty much entirely missed out on both of my younger sisters' lives. That I don't really know much about them. I learned that all of this breaks my heart tremendously, considering for a long time there, I was their mother. Or rather the closest thing they had to one at the time, for a couple of years anyway. Speaking of which, I learned that my mother has never really let go. Of the past. Of him. That she never will. And that because of this, she will always have a drinking problem, and that my family has accepted this.
I learned that no matter what, someone is always going to find a reason to not like me. To criticize me, my life, or my way of doing things.
I learned, most importantly, what it takes to make me happy. That I need to be my own person, with my own identity, and not hide that person. To not be just "Chris's wife" or "Riley/Kylie's mom" or "so & so's friend." That I need to be me. That I need to shine in my own light. I need freedom to make my own decisions, and I need those decisions to be supported.
"She knows she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose."
--Thousand Foot Krutch
Having said all that, here are my resolutions for 2009.
I will not assume things. I will try to get the story. If I have reasonable doubt, I will not repeat it. And if I do, it will be only be repeated to try to get the truth, and with the clear understanding that I am uncertain about its level or truthfulness to begin with. I will not assume that just because someone is somewhere with someone else, that it means they are together, or have something going on, unless clear actions are made to indicate otherwise.
I will stress less over friendships drifting apart, and focus more on the people who want to be in my life and be my friends. Those who actually want to spend time with me, instead of those who never have time for me, regardless of how much I ask. I will not concern myself with the guilt trips they try to impose on me, yet blow me off when I ask them about the same issues I received the guilt trips for.
I will find a way to move past everything inside me. Maybe I'll talk more about it. Maybe I'll keep a journal of my thoughts as they occur. But I will finally release them instead of trying to bury them inside, hoping they will go away.
I will smile more. Gap and all. :D Maybe even for picture occasionally. But I make no promises there.
I will be myself. My true self, in every dysfunctional or scary way. And I will let you love me or hate me for it, but I will still be me at the end of the day, and not care what people think about it so much. I will say what I want to say and not be afraid of who will hear it. I will post pictures and not be concerned with who is offended by them. Because after all, this is MYspace. My place to be who I am, and show it. And if you don't want to see them, or read what I say, then you don't have to be here.
I will spend more time with my family. Both the ones I live with, and the ones I don't. I will know them. Truly know them. Ask questions about their life. Be there for them like they were for me.
Should you see me slipping from these, or veering off course, kindly point me back in the direction of this blog. And if I don't seem to be paying attention, boldly yell out, "Bitch, read the blog. You wrote it, that was the purpose, to remind your stubborn ass of what you wanted in life." I may roll my eyes, but I'll love you for it later. :)
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