My first chemo and radiation...

They called Monday evening to let me know I was on for treatments so on Tuesday, I was all set for my first chemo and radiation.
Kris and I got there at 9am for chemo, as instructed. There were so many delays once we got in the infusion room. It's a giant room with 30-something "stations' as I called them. Each station has an awesome reclining chairs for the chemo patient, a regular chair for one person to accompany each patient, along with a small table area that has a small tv and a set of headphones. We got put in the corner nook, which only had two stations and neither one had a tv, which was fine. I had packed a bag of things Pinterest said I needed: my phone, my ipad and earbuds, a coloring book and color pencils, a notebook, a deck of cards, some snacks, and most importantly, Kris. The lady who was in the nook with us in the other chair had the same diagnosis as me, and was surprisingly receiving the exact same treatment plan as me. It was also her first day! (There were no delays for her though, so she got out much faster than us.)
I was a bundle of nerves when they started hanging bags on my IV pole. I was excited that this was starting, because that meant I was going to be one day closer to the end. I was sad because getting treatment made it real. Because in this big room, everyone in here was here for the same reason. We all have cancer of some kind or another. Some better than me, but some way worse than me. I was also determined not to feel sorry for myself, or allow myself to get sick or complain. Sis did this. I can too. I didn't get sleepy like I was told I would. Probably too many emotions to get sleepy. Same with when the chemo itself was finally going in. I expected to feel it somehow, to feel different, but I didn't. I felt the same. I had this thing on lock.

We finally finished in the infusion room at 4:15pm and went downstairs for radiation. I expected to feel that too. Pain maybe, or heat, or something. I'm not sure what. But you feel nothing at all. It's over before you know it. Finally, time to go home. I was convinced I had this under control. I was told to chug water like my life depended on it starting Sunday, and I did. I chugged all day Monday and even Tuesday while I was there getting treatment. Going to pee every 30 minutes. I was staying hydrated!

We got home at 6pm, Keri stopped by and I was fine then. I wish I could say I stayed fine but I didn’t. Around 8pm, it hit me and it hit hard. I was so nauseous and the Zofran wasn’t helping. It made it worse. I kept dry heaving. They gave me a steroids during chemo to prevent my body from puking and I swear, it was pure torture. Around 1am, I gave up and took my blanket and pillow into the bathroom and laid in the bathroom floor crying and dry heaving. Then when the steroid wore off around 4am, I couldn’t stop throwing up. I couldn’t hold down a single sip of water or Powerade, no matter how small the sip was. I’ve never in my life been so sick. My stomach hurt so bad. My head was throbbing. I was so nauseous. It was like being pregnant with morning sickness and having the flu all at the same time. I felt like I was dying. No lie.

Yesterday was a blur. I missed my 10:45 radiation appt because I was still throwing up and at that point, couldn’t even lay flat. At some point, Kris took me in and I got fluids, then went downstairs for radiation. I barely remember any of it. I remember someone asking me questions and thinking to myself, “I should know the answer to this” but I didn’t. I couldn’t even piece together a sentence in my head. Nothing made sense. It was taking everything I had to hold my eyes open. Even after getting fluids, I was still very nauseous on the way home and they told me that this wouldn’t even be the worst of it, that the 2nd and 3rd day after chemo is the worst and I just recall thinking I can’t do this, I just can’t. They called me in some phenergan and Kris picked it up for me. Between alternating that and the zofran, I managed to eat a whole piece of toast last night around 11.

Another thing about chemo is it's cold. Like not the chemo itself, but me. It makes me cold. Freezing, like I can't even describe. I can be wearing pants and a hoodie and thick socks and shoes and I'm still huddled up in a blanket. At night, I slept with and extra blanket on my side because I was so cold, even though I was wearing thick pajama pants and socks too. It's insane.

Today, I was able to eat a little bit of scrambled eggs and a half piece of bacon for breakfast, then off to radiation. I am back home now and back into my pajamas because the radiation irritates my skin. I can’t wear jeans without it somewhat hurting. I can’t explain it. So I wear real clothes there and then come home and change. I am eating chicken noodle soup as I type this. I’m still pretty weak and tired. We are staying on top of the nausea meds. Kris set alarms all night to wake up and make me take them. He says I didn’t put up a fight. I don’t know. I didn’t even look at my phone the last couple days until I was getting ready for radiation this morning. I even took off my watch because all the vibrations were annoying me. I didn’t want to be touched or feel any movement.

I hope this blog made sense. I am still pretty woozy and disoriented feeling. I’m just going to stick to soups and bland stuff til I figure out a pattern to this.