I started Brachytherapy this past Friday. In case you're just joining in on the blog, brachytherapy is also called HDR, which stands for High Dose Radiation. It's done internally. This is how the first one went for me...
Unlike the external radiation, there was no Gas-X to take and no excessive amount of water to drink before each session. Instead, one hour before my appointment time, I have to take two pills: one is Dilaudid, which is for pain. The other is Valium, which is to make me relaxed and calm. When I got there, I got brought into the room to remove my clothes from the waist down & put on a gown. I was told to leave my socks on since the room is cold. Then I'm taken into the procedure room. I lay on a very narrow bed and my legs go up into stirrups. Not typical stirrups where your ankles sit in the little cup thing - nope, it's a long one. Everything from my knees to my feet go into the stirrups, and then they velcro a few straps over each leg. Then Angel (my nurse) tilts this table to where my butt is up in the air and my head is tilted down toward the ground, and then inserts a catheter into my peehole. This was not pleasant. It hurt quite a bit. I've never had a catheter put in when I was awake. She did put something on there beforehand to somewhat numb it, but it didn't help much. Anyway, one the catheter is in, she inflates some balloon up inside me to push my bladder away from the area that will be treated. After that, Dr. Outlaw comes in and inserts several metal rods into my smitt sleeve (the plastic tube they sewed into my vagina) to see which one is going to work the best for what needs to be done. This is also pretty painful, as you can imagine it would be. I mean, metal rods being put in and out of you, being tilted and shifted in different angles, it hurts. Once she found the one she wanted to use, Dr. Outlaw takes what felt like 40 yards of gauze (which is soaked in saline and KY Jelly for comfort) and packs it up into my vag. This is by far THE MOST PAINFUL PART. So as of that moment in time, I have a catheter, a balloon, a plastic tube, and metal rods inside me already. Now she's adding gauze. And the more she adds, the more painfully aware you become of all those things inside you. Everything hurts. It's taking everything in me to be still and not to move, and thankfully Vickie, the radiation tech, is up by my shoulders giving me pep talks and just talking to me about random things, trying to keep my mind off the process. She says just pretend I'm a turkey being stuffed for Thanksgiving, to which I immediately replied "Turkeys are dead!" They laughed, and then I did, and at least for a moment I wasn't thinking of the pain. But for real, OUCH. You think there's no possible way anything else is going to fit in there and she proves you wrong. Yall, I was never a slutty girl, my vag is not loose enough nor equipped to handle this type of load. Gah. Finally that's over, and then Angel pushes several big syringes of saline into the catheter to fill my bladder to max capacity. Then they very gently take my legs out of the stirrups and prop them up under a couple of pillows on the table. I get covered up with a few sheets, and then they tilt the table back flat and wheel my bed out into the hallway and down a million hallways. We end up in the room for a CT scan to make sure the placements of the rods (and everything else inside there) is exactly here it needs to be. Then we go back to the procedure room I was in and the waiting begins while they plan my treatment doses. This is serious business and takes a long time. This session took an hour and a half of waiting, which honestly I didn't mind. The only thing is you can not move! You have to lay there with the rod poking out of your vag and all that gauze and the full bladder and be as still as you possibly can. They turned on some music for me and Angel sat in there and talked to me for the majority of the time. I told her she didn't have to, but she said she had nothing else to do but paperwork and it could wait. We talked about lots of things and I enjoyed our conversations very much. I wish I could share them, but I am going to wait on that for now, but I'm super excited about some future plans! The other nurse came in for a bit and talked too, but she mostly stayed out there and did her paperwork while we waited. Finally, a man doctor comes into the room with some rolling machine. He hooks some wires from the machine to the thing in the closet, then some more wires from the machine to the rod sticking out of my vag. Dr. Outlaw says "It's showtime, see you in 184 seconds!" Wait what, that's only 3 minutes! Yes, the actual radiation part is 3 minutes. And I could feel it pulsing inside me. That part didn't hurt, just felt weird. When it was over, he came back into the room, unhooked the wires from my cooter-rod, then unhooked the other wire from the closet thing and left. Dr. Outlaw and the nurses come back in and she removes the gauze from in there. It felt... I don't know. In between uncomfortable and painful. She just kept pulling and pulling. You know the clown trick where they pull the colorful ribbon rope from his sleeve or hat and it just keeps coming and coming? That's what I pictured while it was happening. After that, she removed the rod and then Angel drained the saline from my bladder, and then removed the catheter. Again, OUCH. Although it wasn't as bad coming out as it as going in. After all of this, I am done. I get dressed and they rave about how great of a patient I was, how I must have a high pain threshold. I don't feel that way, because that shit hurt pretty bad... but they said if I saw how everyone else acted, I'd be amazed as how well I did. Hmm.
Overall, it was a long session. Started at 11, done at 3. Mercy. Only 4 more of these to go. Yay.
But then, I am done with it and all I'll have left is Immunotherapy for the trial.
Side effects from brachytherapy: Pain, obviously. Bleeding. Pain. Cramping. Pain. Soreness in the whole downstairs area. But considering everything they did, that's all to be expected.
As a result, everything we were supposed to do this weekend, I didn't do any of it. We were going to go to the St. Jude Joy of Life Ball last night, which I was really looking forward to because not only does the money go to St. Jude to help children with cancer, the band playing at the ball was Fly By Radio. First of all, I love them. Second of all, it seemed soo fitting that I'd see them at the end of my cancer journey because in a way, it started with them too. No, the band didn't give me cancer. But the night we went to see the play for my birthday back in September is the same night my symptoms got so bad that I knew it was time to call the doctor. So since they were at the beginning of it all, it was going to feel a little symbolic and awesome to me to see them at the end of it. But like I said, I didn't get to go. However -- my friend Erinn, who is on the committee of the ball, surprised me with a video clip of her and the band giving me a personal get well message and blowing me kisses. Kris saw it before I did and of course I got teary-eyed. It meant so much that she went out of her way to do that, and that they took time to actually do it. We also had a birthday party for a friend's twin boys and another event at my aunt's house and I just didn't go to any of them. I hope everyone understands. It's almost over y'all, just bear with me.
So anyway, that's the update on that. I get to go back this week and do it all again on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But they said these won't be as bad as the first one. The first one is always the worst, they said. And at least now I know what to expect.
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Friday, January 26, 2018
Second update this week!
I usually only do updates once a week, but this week called for another one!
As you know, Kelly took my picc line out Tuesday and the doctor gave me antibiotics for the swelling and skin issues. It’s a good thing, because it was indeed infected. It got super red and a rash went down my whole arm and the red area around it got really warm to the touch. Today, the warmth is gone and the rest is looking better, but there's a huge knot where the hole in my arm is, where the tube/line went into my arm.
Wednesday, I went in for radiation as usual, and when I finished, they all came into the room and gave me a certificate of completion and told me I was done! I was confused because I have another week of it to do, but they said since the tumor was responding so well to the treatment and the exam showed it was 75% smaller, that Dr. Outlaw decided I didn’t have to do the last week because the Brachytherapy will knock it on out. Debbie said I could ring the bell, but Kris wasn’t with me so I didn’t do it. I decided to wait until I finish Brachytherapy and then do it. I want him to be there with me when I do it because he’s just as much a part of it as I am and without him, I couldn’t have done it.
Thursday (yesterday) I had to do the blood transfusion. I got two bags of blood. It was weird mentally, watching blood go into my body and know that it isn’t even mine. I mean, it is now, but you know. Physically, no, I couldn’t feel it going into my body. Kris kept cracking vampire jokes. I sure do love him. He will never understand how much, or how thankful I am that he's been with me through every step of the way.
Everyone keeps asking if it made me feel better. That’s a hard question to answer because I didn’t feel really bad before I got it. Just weak and real pale. Afterwards, I slept for a while (thanks Benadryl!) and when I woke up, I definitely didn’t feel as weak and I had color to my face again. I don’t get exhausted doing simple things now, like throwing laundry into the dryer. I guess I didn't realize how weak I was because I'd gotten so used to it, and didn't know how weak I truly was until I wasn't weak anymore. So the answer is yes, I do feel better. I'm incredibly thankful for the people who selflessly donate blood. I will definitely be paying it forward, if I'm allowed to donate. I don't know how it works. I'll have to ask.
My stomach still feels wonky now and then, and I still get nauseated quite a bit. Definitely right now at this moment. I wish I could pinpoint what causes it to feel gross but I can’t. It’s completely random. I do know the smell of hot dogs makes me sick. That's sad because I love hot dogs.
I go in Monday morning at 5:30 to have my platelets checked again, and if they’re at an acceptable level for surgery, then we’ll go on and do the biopsy and put in the Smitt Sleeve. If they’re still too low, we’ll just have to reschedule, again. Kris is on night shift that day, so he will be with me. He’s worried about me being alone and in pain that night, but I’ll manage.
As you know, Kelly took my picc line out Tuesday and the doctor gave me antibiotics for the swelling and skin issues. It’s a good thing, because it was indeed infected. It got super red and a rash went down my whole arm and the red area around it got really warm to the touch. Today, the warmth is gone and the rest is looking better, but there's a huge knot where the hole in my arm is, where the tube/line went into my arm.
Wednesday, I went in for radiation as usual, and when I finished, they all came into the room and gave me a certificate of completion and told me I was done! I was confused because I have another week of it to do, but they said since the tumor was responding so well to the treatment and the exam showed it was 75% smaller, that Dr. Outlaw decided I didn’t have to do the last week because the Brachytherapy will knock it on out. Debbie said I could ring the bell, but Kris wasn’t with me so I didn’t do it. I decided to wait until I finish Brachytherapy and then do it. I want him to be there with me when I do it because he’s just as much a part of it as I am and without him, I couldn’t have done it.
Thursday (yesterday) I had to do the blood transfusion. I got two bags of blood. It was weird mentally, watching blood go into my body and know that it isn’t even mine. I mean, it is now, but you know. Physically, no, I couldn’t feel it going into my body. Kris kept cracking vampire jokes. I sure do love him. He will never understand how much, or how thankful I am that he's been with me through every step of the way.
Everyone keeps asking if it made me feel better. That’s a hard question to answer because I didn’t feel really bad before I got it. Just weak and real pale. Afterwards, I slept for a while (thanks Benadryl!) and when I woke up, I definitely didn’t feel as weak and I had color to my face again. I don’t get exhausted doing simple things now, like throwing laundry into the dryer. I guess I didn't realize how weak I was because I'd gotten so used to it, and didn't know how weak I truly was until I wasn't weak anymore. So the answer is yes, I do feel better. I'm incredibly thankful for the people who selflessly donate blood. I will definitely be paying it forward, if I'm allowed to donate. I don't know how it works. I'll have to ask.
My stomach still feels wonky now and then, and I still get nauseated quite a bit. Definitely right now at this moment. I wish I could pinpoint what causes it to feel gross but I can’t. It’s completely random. I do know the smell of hot dogs makes me sick. That's sad because I love hot dogs.
I go in Monday morning at 5:30 to have my platelets checked again, and if they’re at an acceptable level for surgery, then we’ll go on and do the biopsy and put in the Smitt Sleeve. If they’re still too low, we’ll just have to reschedule, again. Kris is on night shift that day, so he will be with me. He’s worried about me being alone and in pain that night, but I’ll manage.
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
What a day.
Here’s an update for those following my kicking-cancer’s-ass journey: I went in for blood work today to check my platelets. They didn’t go up. They went down. My platelet count is now 25,000 so now I’m scheduled for a blood transfusion Thursday morning. My hemoglobin count is also very low.
Even with the low platelet count, they had to take a risk & remove the picc line from my arm because it was very red & swollen, and the skin was severely cracked and blistered and really hurt. Kelly (in the lab) is a fucking rockstar. They didn't want it removed yet because I was running a slight fever yesterday so they were afraid it was becoming infected. She had tried to get them t take it out last week since they said no more chemo, but they said no. But she fought tooth and nail for me today, and won this time. So now the picc line is gone and I just picked up antibiotics for it. I can't wait to be able to take a shower without a sleeve again. To feel the shampoo in my hair. To feel my hands in general!
Dr. Scalici did an exam on me today and said the tumor felt 75% smaller than when we started, so that’s awesome news! Now we just hope I can hang in there and outlive the tumor. #diebarbdie
Besides this, I’ve been doing very well since they stopped my chemo. As of today, I’ve been chemo-free for two weeks and for the most part, I feel so much better. I’m still doing radiation every day, and as long as my issues don’t cause me to miss any sessions, I will be done with external radiation a week from tomorrow!
Then starting next Friday, I’ll have 5 sessions of the internal radiation, called Brachytherapy. I was supposed to have the surgery tomorrow for them to put in the Smitt Sleeve, but they cancelled it due to the platelet count. It’s being rescheduled for Monday, I believe, in hopes that my counts are up enough by then. Tomorrow I have to go to radiation and then to the hospital to do labwork for the transfusion.
I haven’t been sick really since chemo. I have a little more energy. I no longer have the metal taste in my mouth, so I can use normal forks and spoons again. I can eat normal, but bland, foods again, but not quite whatever I want. My tummy isn’t ready for that. I can drink Dr. Pepper again! I could technically have a margarita or other drink if I wanted, but I’m not ready for that yet either. I want to wait until I finish everything and my stomach is normal again. Even the Dr. Pepper, I don't have much of. I've gone months without it, I can continue to survive without it. Best part is, I've been able to drive myself so that's a huge help!
Current side effects are still pain when I pee, diarrhea, occasional nausea, dizzy spells, and I lose energy quick if I try to do too much. This is all from radiation, so it’ll go away when I finish. I’m really pale right now but that’s due to the platelets. She said my color will come back after the transfusion and I’ll feel good again. Crazy thing is, I really don’t feel terribly bad right now. I did get real sick Monday night. Like stomach pains and then I threw up all over the bathroom, but I am almost positive that it was what I ate because I felt fantastic before I ate and almost immediately felt bad afterwards. Oh well. I was fine after I threw up.
So that’s what’s up right now. I’m hanging in there and keep telling myself it’s almost over and that’s about all I can do. I’m kinda bummed about going alone tomorrow. I'm worried that I may get dizzy after they draw more blood, but if that happens, I’ll just call someone or sit and wait til I feel better. I’m not doing anything to put myself in danger, don’t worry guys! Edit to update: my uncle Dewayne is coming to drive me to my appointments.
Even with the low platelet count, they had to take a risk & remove the picc line from my arm because it was very red & swollen, and the skin was severely cracked and blistered and really hurt. Kelly (in the lab) is a fucking rockstar. They didn't want it removed yet because I was running a slight fever yesterday so they were afraid it was becoming infected. She had tried to get them t take it out last week since they said no more chemo, but they said no. But she fought tooth and nail for me today, and won this time. So now the picc line is gone and I just picked up antibiotics for it. I can't wait to be able to take a shower without a sleeve again. To feel the shampoo in my hair. To feel my hands in general!
Dr. Scalici did an exam on me today and said the tumor felt 75% smaller than when we started, so that’s awesome news! Now we just hope I can hang in there and outlive the tumor. #diebarbdie
Besides this, I’ve been doing very well since they stopped my chemo. As of today, I’ve been chemo-free for two weeks and for the most part, I feel so much better. I’m still doing radiation every day, and as long as my issues don’t cause me to miss any sessions, I will be done with external radiation a week from tomorrow!
Then starting next Friday, I’ll have 5 sessions of the internal radiation, called Brachytherapy. I was supposed to have the surgery tomorrow for them to put in the Smitt Sleeve, but they cancelled it due to the platelet count. It’s being rescheduled for Monday, I believe, in hopes that my counts are up enough by then. Tomorrow I have to go to radiation and then to the hospital to do labwork for the transfusion.
I haven’t been sick really since chemo. I have a little more energy. I no longer have the metal taste in my mouth, so I can use normal forks and spoons again. I can eat normal, but bland, foods again, but not quite whatever I want. My tummy isn’t ready for that. I can drink Dr. Pepper again! I could technically have a margarita or other drink if I wanted, but I’m not ready for that yet either. I want to wait until I finish everything and my stomach is normal again. Even the Dr. Pepper, I don't have much of. I've gone months without it, I can continue to survive without it. Best part is, I've been able to drive myself so that's a huge help!
Current side effects are still pain when I pee, diarrhea, occasional nausea, dizzy spells, and I lose energy quick if I try to do too much. This is all from radiation, so it’ll go away when I finish. I’m really pale right now but that’s due to the platelets. She said my color will come back after the transfusion and I’ll feel good again. Crazy thing is, I really don’t feel terribly bad right now. I did get real sick Monday night. Like stomach pains and then I threw up all over the bathroom, but I am almost positive that it was what I ate because I felt fantastic before I ate and almost immediately felt bad afterwards. Oh well. I was fine after I threw up.
So that’s what’s up right now. I’m hanging in there and keep telling myself it’s almost over and that’s about all I can do. I’m kinda bummed about going alone tomorrow. I'm worried that I may get dizzy after they draw more blood, but if that happens, I’ll just call someone or sit and wait til I feel better. I’m not doing anything to put myself in danger, don’t worry guys! Edit to update: my uncle Dewayne is coming to drive me to my appointments.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Surgery went well!
Monday I had to go to the hospital for surgery, but I had to get my blood work done first to check my platelets before we could proceed. They had come up from a 25,000 to a 54,000 (which is still low, but better) so we got the green light. They also said my white blood cell count was low, but I don’t know what the numbers were for that.
I was given anesthesia and wheeled off. I recall them telling Kris to go through a door to the right and wait there as they were pushing my bed down the hall, and then I was awake in some other room and he was beside me. It was all over. I was feeling some pretty intense cramping and soreness down there, so they gave me some morphine in my IV.
Yall.... I don’t do heavy meds or painkillers. I just don’t. So when I do, things get crazy. Kris has a video clip of me talking about the door situation and then I decided I was ET when I saw the glowing thing on my finger. I recall telling a nurse she was very pretty (he said she actually wasn’t at all, but I guess that makes it even nicer because I probably made her day.) I told him - loudly - to look at the other nurse’s butt, the one in the green pants, because she has (and I quote) a big ol’ booty. I made some people go hunt down this lady who works in the lab or something because she called me three times in a row the day I got my blood transfusion and I was trying to sleep, and she just kept talking and calling back knowing I was sleeping. So I just wanted to meet her in person so I’d know who she was. She walked up and I said “Kim, 3-4513!” That’s her phone line extension number, don’t ask how I remembered that in the state I was in, or why I felt like telling her because obviously she knows her name and number. Me on meds is kinda like being drunk. You’re aware of what you’re saying and doing, but it’s like your brain is on autopilot. I look back and I’m like oh gahhh, why did I say that? But it was funny. At least the video clip part was.
As for the surgery, first they did a biopsy for the clinical trial I’m participating in. Then after that, they installed the Smitt Sleeve, which is a small plastic tube that goes in my vagina to hold the rods in place for the internal radiation (aka Brachytherapy.) The tube was sewn in there and it stays in me until we finish Brachytherapy on Feb.12th. They said I wouldn’t be able to feel it, but I do. I cramped for about 24 hours after the surgery, but it’s not painful otherwise. When I move in certain positions, I can feel it kinda pinch in there. It caused some light bleeding, which I still have, but nothing major. I’m used to bleeding anyway.
Kris said Dr. Scalici told him she didn’t see any of the tumor left, and that they basically had to cut a chunk of my flesh where the tumor *was* for the biopsy. This is good news. I wish I’d have been awake to hear it. I’m trying not to get too excited just yet though. Not until treatments are ALL over and we do more scans to make sure the cancer hasn’t moved somewhere else. I want to be optimistic and say that won’t happen, but it can, and does, happen to people all the time. So for now, I’m just hoping for the best.
I start Brachytherapy on Friday. Two days from now. I’m nervous, and slightly terrified. I don’t know what to expect. Angel (Dr. Outlaw's nurse, who I just adore)said it's not as bad as what I read about. We'll see. I don’t know how long this will take. I am scared of what the side effects will be. The thought of laying on my back with my legs in stirrups and having to be super still for hours while metal rods are in my lady-basement is not something that was ever on my bucket list. I ordered a book from amazon to take and read while I wait in awkwardness. Getting lost in someone else’s world usually helps me forget about mine for a while.
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. I feel like I am forgetting something, but if I am, I’ll just add it to the next update. It’s late and I’m tired.
I was given anesthesia and wheeled off. I recall them telling Kris to go through a door to the right and wait there as they were pushing my bed down the hall, and then I was awake in some other room and he was beside me. It was all over. I was feeling some pretty intense cramping and soreness down there, so they gave me some morphine in my IV.
Yall.... I don’t do heavy meds or painkillers. I just don’t. So when I do, things get crazy. Kris has a video clip of me talking about the door situation and then I decided I was ET when I saw the glowing thing on my finger. I recall telling a nurse she was very pretty (he said she actually wasn’t at all, but I guess that makes it even nicer because I probably made her day.) I told him - loudly - to look at the other nurse’s butt, the one in the green pants, because she has (and I quote) a big ol’ booty. I made some people go hunt down this lady who works in the lab or something because she called me three times in a row the day I got my blood transfusion and I was trying to sleep, and she just kept talking and calling back knowing I was sleeping. So I just wanted to meet her in person so I’d know who she was. She walked up and I said “Kim, 3-4513!” That’s her phone line extension number, don’t ask how I remembered that in the state I was in, or why I felt like telling her because obviously she knows her name and number. Me on meds is kinda like being drunk. You’re aware of what you’re saying and doing, but it’s like your brain is on autopilot. I look back and I’m like oh gahhh, why did I say that? But it was funny. At least the video clip part was.
As for the surgery, first they did a biopsy for the clinical trial I’m participating in. Then after that, they installed the Smitt Sleeve, which is a small plastic tube that goes in my vagina to hold the rods in place for the internal radiation (aka Brachytherapy.) The tube was sewn in there and it stays in me until we finish Brachytherapy on Feb.12th. They said I wouldn’t be able to feel it, but I do. I cramped for about 24 hours after the surgery, but it’s not painful otherwise. When I move in certain positions, I can feel it kinda pinch in there. It caused some light bleeding, which I still have, but nothing major. I’m used to bleeding anyway.
Kris said Dr. Scalici told him she didn’t see any of the tumor left, and that they basically had to cut a chunk of my flesh where the tumor *was* for the biopsy. This is good news. I wish I’d have been awake to hear it. I’m trying not to get too excited just yet though. Not until treatments are ALL over and we do more scans to make sure the cancer hasn’t moved somewhere else. I want to be optimistic and say that won’t happen, but it can, and does, happen to people all the time. So for now, I’m just hoping for the best.
I start Brachytherapy on Friday. Two days from now. I’m nervous, and slightly terrified. I don’t know what to expect. Angel (Dr. Outlaw's nurse, who I just adore)said it's not as bad as what I read about. We'll see. I don’t know how long this will take. I am scared of what the side effects will be. The thought of laying on my back with my legs in stirrups and having to be super still for hours while metal rods are in my lady-basement is not something that was ever on my bucket list. I ordered a book from amazon to take and read while I wait in awkwardness. Getting lost in someone else’s world usually helps me forget about mine for a while.
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. I feel like I am forgetting something, but if I am, I’ll just add it to the next update. It’s late and I’m tired.
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Heyyyy youuu guyyyyysss....
Today is Tuesday, chemo day. I felt pretty decent this morning which is one of life's cruel jokes lately. Like it's saying Hey, let's have her wake up feeling great so that it'll suck extra bad later when she feels like chewed up shit. That sounds fun, right? Anyway... Kris decided we should take a picture together, so we did before we left.
I walked in doing a little shimmy and had Shanika (our favorite receptionist) laughing because I was dancing. She’s seen my worst days, and always helped me get into the infusion room fast when I was super sick and needing fluids and nausea meds. She liked that I was feeling good. It's possibly because I had a patch that Erin ( one of my nurses) gave me to try to help with the sickness since I seem to keep getting worse and worse each time. She said it's a miracle drug, and if it works, we'll figure out a way to get more, but they're crazy expensive : $600 per patch and insurance doesn't cover them.
Bad news: labwork said my platelets were dangerously low today. They were a 28. Last week they were 76, before that, they were 100. (Thousand) If you’re like me and didn’t know what that meant, it’s not a good thing. It means if I bleed, it won’t clot. I’ll basically bleed to death. So now I’ve got a list of things I’m not allowed to do: I can’t shave with a normal razor, it has to be electric so I don’t cut myself. Can’t use knives or scissors or anything sharp. Certain products I’m not allowed to use, like toothpaste with tartar control. I can’t floss in case it causes my gums to bleed. Had to buy an ultra soft toothbrush so again, my gums don’t bleed. Certain foods I can’t eat-fresh fruits and veggies. I don’t understand this at all but whatever. Can’t be around live plants or flowers. (Huh?) Can’t deal with pet waste, including aquariums, which didn’t matter because that’s Kris’s thing anyway. Just find it odd. I can’t do any housework (no, she honestly said that) and I can’t do anything that would cause me to get a bruise. There’s a big list of stuff they gave me. It’s weird. Anyway, my count today was at 28,000 and once you reach 20,000 your body can bleed without injury so you have to get a transfusion. Not cool.
Good news: NO MORE CHEMO!! I’ll take that. Unfortunately, it's not because I finished. They said my body physically can not handle it anymore. I told y’all the chemo was trying to kill me, didn’t I!? They said it was to the point it was doing more harm than good, and we just couldn't continue.
I still have 11 more radiation treatments to go, then the Brachytherapy (internal radiation) and then the immunotherapy. But that chemo was fucking brutal and I’m over the moon happy to be done with that, regardless of the reason. I just hate that we wasted this billion dollar patch. I was genuinely curious to see if it could win the battle against chemo. Patch vs Cisplatin. Guess we don't find out today. I'm good with that, but I feel really bad because someone else out there as sick as me could have actually used it.
Next Wednesday, I have a biopsy for the clinical trial. I have to be there at 5:30am so they can prep me and get me put to sleep because apparently this is going to be an intense one. Yikes.
Anyway, just wanted to share my exciting news. I totally cried when Erin called to confirm the chemo was done. No shame. The fight isn’t over yet, but this is indeed a victory for me. It puts me one step closer to feeling like myself again. Eating normal food again, and just not feeling sick all the time.
I walked in doing a little shimmy and had Shanika (our favorite receptionist) laughing because I was dancing. She’s seen my worst days, and always helped me get into the infusion room fast when I was super sick and needing fluids and nausea meds. She liked that I was feeling good. It's possibly because I had a patch that Erin ( one of my nurses) gave me to try to help with the sickness since I seem to keep getting worse and worse each time. She said it's a miracle drug, and if it works, we'll figure out a way to get more, but they're crazy expensive : $600 per patch and insurance doesn't cover them.
Bad news: labwork said my platelets were dangerously low today. They were a 28. Last week they were 76, before that, they were 100. (Thousand) If you’re like me and didn’t know what that meant, it’s not a good thing. It means if I bleed, it won’t clot. I’ll basically bleed to death. So now I’ve got a list of things I’m not allowed to do: I can’t shave with a normal razor, it has to be electric so I don’t cut myself. Can’t use knives or scissors or anything sharp. Certain products I’m not allowed to use, like toothpaste with tartar control. I can’t floss in case it causes my gums to bleed. Had to buy an ultra soft toothbrush so again, my gums don’t bleed. Certain foods I can’t eat-fresh fruits and veggies. I don’t understand this at all but whatever. Can’t be around live plants or flowers. (Huh?) Can’t deal with pet waste, including aquariums, which didn’t matter because that’s Kris’s thing anyway. Just find it odd. I can’t do any housework (no, she honestly said that) and I can’t do anything that would cause me to get a bruise. There’s a big list of stuff they gave me. It’s weird. Anyway, my count today was at 28,000 and once you reach 20,000 your body can bleed without injury so you have to get a transfusion. Not cool.
Good news: NO MORE CHEMO!! I’ll take that. Unfortunately, it's not because I finished. They said my body physically can not handle it anymore. I told y’all the chemo was trying to kill me, didn’t I!? They said it was to the point it was doing more harm than good, and we just couldn't continue.
I still have 11 more radiation treatments to go, then the Brachytherapy (internal radiation) and then the immunotherapy. But that chemo was fucking brutal and I’m over the moon happy to be done with that, regardless of the reason. I just hate that we wasted this billion dollar patch. I was genuinely curious to see if it could win the battle against chemo. Patch vs Cisplatin. Guess we don't find out today. I'm good with that, but I feel really bad because someone else out there as sick as me could have actually used it.
Next Wednesday, I have a biopsy for the clinical trial. I have to be there at 5:30am so they can prep me and get me put to sleep because apparently this is going to be an intense one. Yikes.
Anyway, just wanted to share my exciting news. I totally cried when Erin called to confirm the chemo was done. No shame. The fight isn’t over yet, but this is indeed a victory for me. It puts me one step closer to feeling like myself again. Eating normal food again, and just not feeling sick all the time.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Good news and bad news.
Side effects continue to appear. The numb fingers and toes are getting worse, mainly my fingers, and it makes holding things difficult because I can’t feel it in my hand. I keep dropping things and I feel like such a clutz. I can’t even open jars or things with lids but that’s due to lack of strength, not the numbness. I can't even wash my own hair because I can't feel the shampoo bubbles to know if it's rinsed out, and I can't shave myself because I'm scared I'll drop the razor and cut myself. I feel so helpless. It's ridiculous.
They told me the radiation would cause me to feel burning and pain when I pee (like a UTI) because the bladder is right there close to the tumor and it’s affected by the radiation. Well, that’s started to happen. Definity hurts when I pee now and all I can do is take Azo for it because it’s not really an infection. I’m bleeding again, and have been since last week.
Chemo this week was rough. Kris said he could actually see my skin change color as I was getting the chemo itself. He said I turn a green color during treatment, then a pale white afterwards, so he decided to document the before (left) and after (on the right.)
That's scary. I was sick before even leaving the building. They told me to double up on my meds and see if that helped any, so Tuesday night I was extremely doped up. Two phenergan at 6pm, a Zofran at 9, two more phenergan at midnight, Zofran at 3am, then two more phenergan at 6am. At 6am when I took the meds, I got up to make sure the kids were up for school and I felt okay, but as soon as I laid my head down on the pillow less than 2 minutes later, nausea hit me hard and that was it, we went on and started getting ready to go in for fluids and IV meds. Ridiculous. I keep telling myself only one more chemo after this, right? God, I hope so. I don't know how much more my body can take. I am trying to be strong and stay positive, but it's not working. I feel so beat down and broken. Defeated.
So now to the good news/bad news part.
After Kris took me in for fluids Weds morning, we went downstairs for radiation and Dr. Outlaw wanted to do an exam to see if the tumor is shrinking. The good news is that it is shrinking. Everything is doing its job, and it’s 33% smaller than it was when we started. She said it’s also much softer to the touch, and that the bleeding I’ve been having here recently is from the tumor dying off. She told me I’ll have more of the bleeding as it continues to die, but that it’s a good thing. Now explain that to my brain, because it tells me to panic every time I see blood.
The bad news, is that as long as I am getting external radiation, I have to continue chemo. And because of them being closed for the holidays, those radiation days got added on at the end, so now I don’t have just one more chemo left like we thought - I have three. To say I am devastated wouldn’t suffice. I cried. Ugly cried. A lot. But it is what it is, I guess. Like I said, defeated...
In other news, people haven’t stopped surprising me yet. In a good way. So many people are constantly checking on me to see if I need anything or just saying “I’m thinking of you” and it means so much. People who barely know me have sent me little things like lotions and creams to try to help with my pain and discomfort, and it brings me to tears. I have so many people, some I don’t know at all, donating to our gofundme account and some send checks in the mail to help with medical costs. The kayak fishing club we are in is hosting an online raffle and giving us all of the proceeds for my medical costs. I’ve been told that the Sea Hut, a local lounge we visit, is going to be doing some kind of benefit for me as well. It’s so overwhelming and yet so incredibly appreciated. I’m just trying to think of a way to be able to pay all of this forward someday.
I know my husband will be glad when I’m back to my normal self. He’s been doing everything that I can’t, on top of all the things he normally does, plus working a lot. If there was ever any question how he would handle the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows, the answer is clear now. He has been beyond amazing through all of this. I know it must be hard on him. I can’t imagine. Work, plus taking care of. me, plus the kids. I miss my kids. I feel like I only see them on weekends. I’m so sick during the week that I stay in my room hiding from the food smells that make me nauseous, or doped up/asleep from the nausea meds and poor Zoey is either at Sharon or Nanny’s house all week. I miss my baby girl’s cuddles. I’m ready to be a mom again. I’m ready to be a wife again. I’m just ready to feel human again. I’ll get there, because I have an awesome support system. I'm just impatient.
They told me the radiation would cause me to feel burning and pain when I pee (like a UTI) because the bladder is right there close to the tumor and it’s affected by the radiation. Well, that’s started to happen. Definity hurts when I pee now and all I can do is take Azo for it because it’s not really an infection. I’m bleeding again, and have been since last week.
Chemo this week was rough. Kris said he could actually see my skin change color as I was getting the chemo itself. He said I turn a green color during treatment, then a pale white afterwards, so he decided to document the before (left) and after (on the right.)
That's scary. I was sick before even leaving the building. They told me to double up on my meds and see if that helped any, so Tuesday night I was extremely doped up. Two phenergan at 6pm, a Zofran at 9, two more phenergan at midnight, Zofran at 3am, then two more phenergan at 6am. At 6am when I took the meds, I got up to make sure the kids were up for school and I felt okay, but as soon as I laid my head down on the pillow less than 2 minutes later, nausea hit me hard and that was it, we went on and started getting ready to go in for fluids and IV meds. Ridiculous. I keep telling myself only one more chemo after this, right? God, I hope so. I don't know how much more my body can take. I am trying to be strong and stay positive, but it's not working. I feel so beat down and broken. Defeated.
So now to the good news/bad news part.
After Kris took me in for fluids Weds morning, we went downstairs for radiation and Dr. Outlaw wanted to do an exam to see if the tumor is shrinking. The good news is that it is shrinking. Everything is doing its job, and it’s 33% smaller than it was when we started. She said it’s also much softer to the touch, and that the bleeding I’ve been having here recently is from the tumor dying off. She told me I’ll have more of the bleeding as it continues to die, but that it’s a good thing. Now explain that to my brain, because it tells me to panic every time I see blood.
The bad news, is that as long as I am getting external radiation, I have to continue chemo. And because of them being closed for the holidays, those radiation days got added on at the end, so now I don’t have just one more chemo left like we thought - I have three. To say I am devastated wouldn’t suffice. I cried. Ugly cried. A lot. But it is what it is, I guess. Like I said, defeated...
In other news, people haven’t stopped surprising me yet. In a good way. So many people are constantly checking on me to see if I need anything or just saying “I’m thinking of you” and it means so much. People who barely know me have sent me little things like lotions and creams to try to help with my pain and discomfort, and it brings me to tears. I have so many people, some I don’t know at all, donating to our gofundme account and some send checks in the mail to help with medical costs. The kayak fishing club we are in is hosting an online raffle and giving us all of the proceeds for my medical costs. I’ve been told that the Sea Hut, a local lounge we visit, is going to be doing some kind of benefit for me as well. It’s so overwhelming and yet so incredibly appreciated. I’m just trying to think of a way to be able to pay all of this forward someday.
I know my husband will be glad when I’m back to my normal self. He’s been doing everything that I can’t, on top of all the things he normally does, plus working a lot. If there was ever any question how he would handle the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows, the answer is clear now. He has been beyond amazing through all of this. I know it must be hard on him. I can’t imagine. Work, plus taking care of. me, plus the kids. I miss my kids. I feel like I only see them on weekends. I’m so sick during the week that I stay in my room hiding from the food smells that make me nauseous, or doped up/asleep from the nausea meds and poor Zoey is either at Sharon or Nanny’s house all week. I miss my baby girl’s cuddles. I’m ready to be a mom again. I’m ready to be a wife again. I’m just ready to feel human again. I’ll get there, because I have an awesome support system. I'm just impatient.
Saturday, January 6, 2018
This week was a rollercoaster.
Usually, I've already written the blog update for the week by now, but as the title says, it was a rollercoaster.
Monday : No treatment today because they're closed for New Years Day. Today was a good day. Like a really good day. I felt somewhat normal, like my old self. Nothing hurt. No nausea. No general yuckiness. Decent amount of energy. I actually sat in the living room most of the day, got some cleaning done, stuff like that. And then night time came. Physically I was still fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. Crying into my pillow because I felt good, and I didn't want to get up in the morning and start the sickness all over again. It's so hard when you know exactly how you're going to feel. For me, it's like having the absolute worst day of morning sickness when I was pregnant PLUS the worst stomach bug I've ever had, both at the same time. It's brutal. And it's not something I look forward to intentionally putting myself through each week. But it's this or die, so options are shitty either way. I don't want to feel this way. The constant freezing is awful, but chemo days are worse because I may as well just go lay in snow naked because I imagine that's what this is like. It's gotten to the point where I sleep in thick leggings, a long sleeve shirt, a fleece hoodie, wool socks, under a quilt and an extra blanket, and a space heater on my side of the bed pointing at me because even with all of that, I'm still freezing. Poor Kris sleeps in nearly nothing, on top of the covers, with the fan on him because I'm burning him up. Sometimes he sleeps on the couch instead because it's entirely too hot in the bedroom for him. He doesn't see how I can be cold. I take my own blanket to chemo because the ones they give me there just don't keep me warm.
Tuesday : Chemo day. Kris had night shift last night, so he gets home from work at 7:15am, eats breakfast and we're out the door. Signed in for chemo at 7:45am. I just looked out my car window and cried all the way there. I don’t know if Kris knows that. If he did, he spared my feelings and didn’t say anything about it. But I mean damn, it's hard. It's so hard to go in there and no exactly how I'm going to feel later. Like getting on a plan that you know is going to crash, but you have to get on it anyway.
Today we got the corner nook (my fav) and they put an older couple in there with us. The wife was getting chemo and she was having a rough of a time as I am with it, as far as side effects. Metallic taste in mouth, can't stomach most foods anymore. Smells make me nauseous. I'll want some food, but then I smell it and can't eat it. I can't even eat from metal forks and spoons. Kris bought me a pink plastic fork and spoon set to use. He's so sweet, thinking of the little things. We finished chemo, went down for radiation, and got home around 4:30pm.Poor Kris was able to get a tiny little cat-nap in, and then he had to leave for work again at 6pm. I hate this for him. He shouldn't have to deal with this. I saw a girl wearing tall Ugg boots with the fur inside them She was also getting chemo and I caught myself dreaming of how warm her feet must be in those, so I've decided to return some Tieks and buy some Ugg boots instead. Maybe that will help prevent invisible frostbite on my toes. I can't feel my toes (neuropathy) so I don't know but just the slight hope that they could keep my feet warm is worth it.
Wednesday : To my surprise, I didn't get sick last night! I seem to be doing a little better and better each week. I'm still taking nausea meds every 3 hours around the clock, still setting my alarm at night to wake up and take them. But then I got in the shower, and got dizzy when I was getting out. My ears started ringing, which happens all the time now. I also have sensory issues. I can't feel my fingers, sometimes I can't feel certain spots on my legs. I drove myself to the doctor today for radiation, and to see Dr. Outlaw. I talked to her about the new side effects today after radiation and she said that it's normal. It's funny what 'normal' is now. I don't think it's normal at all to touch your body and not be able to feel it at all. Anyway, after the shower making me dizzy and everything, nausea kicked in and I couldn't shake it, and I knew I couldn't drive myself home. So after I did radiation, I went back upstairs for fluids and to get some Zofran in my picc. By then, Kris was awake, so he drove out to meet me and then took me to lunch. I ordered a caesar salad, a bowl of potato soup, some rolls, and a pink lemonade. Couldn't eat the salad (but it tasted really good!) and the lemonade was too sweet. I managed to eat all of the soup and a roll. I'll consider it a small win. Stomach felt gross the rest of the day, and I was exhausted and felt like I was walking around in a fog, but again, that's my new normal. It's not puking, so I'll take it.
Thursday : Woke up feeling gross. Got a shower, got dizzy again, actually threw up this time. Stomach grossness increased. Kris is off today, so he and Zoey drove me to radiation and then we were going to go to the grocery store. (Sadly, I was excited about that.) My 15 minute radiation appt at 10:45 turned into some big stupid ordeal over another ghost fart. Apparently I am a really gassy person. She can't do my radiation because of a big air bubble. Told me to go walk for about 10 minutes and do some squats (are you kidding me??) and try to pass it. I did that as best as I could to my ability, she took me back, did another scan, says air bubble is even bigger now. Tells me to go get some lunch and go to walgreens and buy some Gas-X and come back at 1:15. Well, I can't stomach 90% of foods right now, so eating didn't work. I got some fries but they were so soggy and I just couldn't eat them, and ended up sick feeling. Took the Gas-X, then had to drink the 30 oz of water (again) required to fill my bladder in order to get radiation. (Bladder has to be full because it pushes the tumor into a certain position to receive treatment.) So now I've smelled all this food, but ate none of it, drank tons of water and ate Gas-X so I'm nauseous again and have stressed myself into a bad headache. Needless to say, I got radiation and ended up in the bed while he went to the store without me. To a normal healthy person, on a normal day, 30 oz of water is nothing. To me, in this current state of constant dehydration and sickness, drinking 30 oz of water is the equivalent of a healthy person guzzling an entire keg real quick.
Friday : Radiation isn't until 3pm today, so I stayed in bed until noon. Can't shake this headache. I know it's just stress, but man. So much to remember. Meds every 3 hours, but remember which one's turn it is to take. Don't forget to take gas-x 30 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to drink 30 oz of water 20 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to put your sleeve on before getting in the shower. Don't make the water too hot or you'll get dizzy again. Too much. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard sometimes. Today wasn't entirely terrible though. Got through radiation without air bubbles, kids got report cards and got all As, of course. I didn't even know it was report card time. I feel like such a shit mom lately. I miss my kids, even if they do annoy me sometimes. Kris told me in bed that it's okay if I cry. I told him I only do that when no one is around to see it. They think I'm strong. Man, if they only knew. But I'll hide everything s much as I can and keep letting them think it. But I don't think I realized how much I needed to hear that. I keep trying so hard to be strong and be tough and it doesn't always work, but I still try. When people text me and ask how I'm feeling, I just say "I'm hanging in there" or "could be worse" because I don't want to be that person. But I kinda am that person, even if it's hard to admit it to myself. I just miss my life. I miss walking into the kitchen and eating or drinking whatever I want to. Or just the general feeling of not feeling like I'm getting over a nasty stomach virus that doesn't exist.
Today is Saturday, and **knock on wood** I feel good. Ate scrambled eggs and grits for breakfast, survived the shower with no dizziness or anything, and my stomach is only slightly gross feeling. It's definitely got the makings of a good day. Kylie just made herself a grilled cheese and I didn't even get nauseous, so fingers crossed it stays this way!
So here's what's left: a few more chemo treatments, 2 more weeks of external radiation, then 2 weeks of internal radiation, and 3 immunotherapy treatments. The chemo is the killer (which is ironic since it's also what's saving my life) and what's causing all the side effects. Once it's over, I'll be better off. I've just got to keep pushing through. I'm doing my very best.
Monday : No treatment today because they're closed for New Years Day. Today was a good day. Like a really good day. I felt somewhat normal, like my old self. Nothing hurt. No nausea. No general yuckiness. Decent amount of energy. I actually sat in the living room most of the day, got some cleaning done, stuff like that. And then night time came. Physically I was still fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. Crying into my pillow because I felt good, and I didn't want to get up in the morning and start the sickness all over again. It's so hard when you know exactly how you're going to feel. For me, it's like having the absolute worst day of morning sickness when I was pregnant PLUS the worst stomach bug I've ever had, both at the same time. It's brutal. And it's not something I look forward to intentionally putting myself through each week. But it's this or die, so options are shitty either way. I don't want to feel this way. The constant freezing is awful, but chemo days are worse because I may as well just go lay in snow naked because I imagine that's what this is like. It's gotten to the point where I sleep in thick leggings, a long sleeve shirt, a fleece hoodie, wool socks, under a quilt and an extra blanket, and a space heater on my side of the bed pointing at me because even with all of that, I'm still freezing. Poor Kris sleeps in nearly nothing, on top of the covers, with the fan on him because I'm burning him up. Sometimes he sleeps on the couch instead because it's entirely too hot in the bedroom for him. He doesn't see how I can be cold. I take my own blanket to chemo because the ones they give me there just don't keep me warm.
Tuesday : Chemo day. Kris had night shift last night, so he gets home from work at 7:15am, eats breakfast and we're out the door. Signed in for chemo at 7:45am. I just looked out my car window and cried all the way there. I don’t know if Kris knows that. If he did, he spared my feelings and didn’t say anything about it. But I mean damn, it's hard. It's so hard to go in there and no exactly how I'm going to feel later. Like getting on a plan that you know is going to crash, but you have to get on it anyway.
Today we got the corner nook (my fav) and they put an older couple in there with us. The wife was getting chemo and she was having a rough of a time as I am with it, as far as side effects. Metallic taste in mouth, can't stomach most foods anymore. Smells make me nauseous. I'll want some food, but then I smell it and can't eat it. I can't even eat from metal forks and spoons. Kris bought me a pink plastic fork and spoon set to use. He's so sweet, thinking of the little things. We finished chemo, went down for radiation, and got home around 4:30pm.Poor Kris was able to get a tiny little cat-nap in, and then he had to leave for work again at 6pm. I hate this for him. He shouldn't have to deal with this. I saw a girl wearing tall Ugg boots with the fur inside them She was also getting chemo and I caught myself dreaming of how warm her feet must be in those, so I've decided to return some Tieks and buy some Ugg boots instead. Maybe that will help prevent invisible frostbite on my toes. I can't feel my toes (neuropathy) so I don't know but just the slight hope that they could keep my feet warm is worth it.
Wednesday : To my surprise, I didn't get sick last night! I seem to be doing a little better and better each week. I'm still taking nausea meds every 3 hours around the clock, still setting my alarm at night to wake up and take them. But then I got in the shower, and got dizzy when I was getting out. My ears started ringing, which happens all the time now. I also have sensory issues. I can't feel my fingers, sometimes I can't feel certain spots on my legs. I drove myself to the doctor today for radiation, and to see Dr. Outlaw. I talked to her about the new side effects today after radiation and she said that it's normal. It's funny what 'normal' is now. I don't think it's normal at all to touch your body and not be able to feel it at all. Anyway, after the shower making me dizzy and everything, nausea kicked in and I couldn't shake it, and I knew I couldn't drive myself home. So after I did radiation, I went back upstairs for fluids and to get some Zofran in my picc. By then, Kris was awake, so he drove out to meet me and then took me to lunch. I ordered a caesar salad, a bowl of potato soup, some rolls, and a pink lemonade. Couldn't eat the salad (but it tasted really good!) and the lemonade was too sweet. I managed to eat all of the soup and a roll. I'll consider it a small win. Stomach felt gross the rest of the day, and I was exhausted and felt like I was walking around in a fog, but again, that's my new normal. It's not puking, so I'll take it.
Thursday : Woke up feeling gross. Got a shower, got dizzy again, actually threw up this time. Stomach grossness increased. Kris is off today, so he and Zoey drove me to radiation and then we were going to go to the grocery store. (Sadly, I was excited about that.) My 15 minute radiation appt at 10:45 turned into some big stupid ordeal over another ghost fart. Apparently I am a really gassy person. She can't do my radiation because of a big air bubble. Told me to go walk for about 10 minutes and do some squats (are you kidding me??) and try to pass it. I did that as best as I could to my ability, she took me back, did another scan, says air bubble is even bigger now. Tells me to go get some lunch and go to walgreens and buy some Gas-X and come back at 1:15. Well, I can't stomach 90% of foods right now, so eating didn't work. I got some fries but they were so soggy and I just couldn't eat them, and ended up sick feeling. Took the Gas-X, then had to drink the 30 oz of water (again) required to fill my bladder in order to get radiation. (Bladder has to be full because it pushes the tumor into a certain position to receive treatment.) So now I've smelled all this food, but ate none of it, drank tons of water and ate Gas-X so I'm nauseous again and have stressed myself into a bad headache. Needless to say, I got radiation and ended up in the bed while he went to the store without me. To a normal healthy person, on a normal day, 30 oz of water is nothing. To me, in this current state of constant dehydration and sickness, drinking 30 oz of water is the equivalent of a healthy person guzzling an entire keg real quick.
Friday : Radiation isn't until 3pm today, so I stayed in bed until noon. Can't shake this headache. I know it's just stress, but man. So much to remember. Meds every 3 hours, but remember which one's turn it is to take. Don't forget to take gas-x 30 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to drink 30 oz of water 20 minutes before radiation. Don't forget to put your sleeve on before getting in the shower. Don't make the water too hot or you'll get dizzy again. Too much. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard sometimes. Today wasn't entirely terrible though. Got through radiation without air bubbles, kids got report cards and got all As, of course. I didn't even know it was report card time. I feel like such a shit mom lately. I miss my kids, even if they do annoy me sometimes. Kris told me in bed that it's okay if I cry. I told him I only do that when no one is around to see it. They think I'm strong. Man, if they only knew. But I'll hide everything s much as I can and keep letting them think it. But I don't think I realized how much I needed to hear that. I keep trying so hard to be strong and be tough and it doesn't always work, but I still try. When people text me and ask how I'm feeling, I just say "I'm hanging in there" or "could be worse" because I don't want to be that person. But I kinda am that person, even if it's hard to admit it to myself. I just miss my life. I miss walking into the kitchen and eating or drinking whatever I want to. Or just the general feeling of not feeling like I'm getting over a nasty stomach virus that doesn't exist.
Today is Saturday, and **knock on wood** I feel good. Ate scrambled eggs and grits for breakfast, survived the shower with no dizziness or anything, and my stomach is only slightly gross feeling. It's definitely got the makings of a good day. Kylie just made herself a grilled cheese and I didn't even get nauseous, so fingers crossed it stays this way!
So here's what's left: a few more chemo treatments, 2 more weeks of external radiation, then 2 weeks of internal radiation, and 3 immunotherapy treatments. The chemo is the killer (which is ironic since it's also what's saving my life) and what's causing all the side effects. Once it's over, I'll be better off. I've just got to keep pushing through. I'm doing my very best.
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