We're engaged!!

Our first maternity doctor appointment was yesterday at 10am, and we were supposed to get to hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately, we didn't get too because apparently it was too early. We were both pretty disappointed about that, but we go back on the 23rd to hear it and have an ultrasound done. Anyway, after he got home from work, I was starving, so I got out of bed (I was napping) and we went to WalMart. As we were getting in the truck, he asks when Chris is getting the kids, and is clearly disappointed when I tell him he isn't getting them until Saturday evening around 5. So he hands me a gift back and says "I got you a present. May as well give it to you now since this is the only alone time we'll have anytime soon."   I set it aside and tell him "Oh stop, we'll be alone tomorrow night."    When we get back from WalMart, I am even more starving, so I'm trying to hurry and get the groceries put up so I can get something to eat. But he grabs my hand and says "Okay I can't take it anymore, come on. It can't wait."    Being my typical self, I let it be visibly clear that I was frustrated about being interrupted, but go on with him to the bedroom. He shuts the door and hands me the bag...

I sit on the foot of the bed and he hands me the gift bag again. "Open it!"   he says.  I pull all the tissue paper out, and I see a set of plastic baby keys. "Awww, cuuuute! I knew it'd be something baby related."   I go to hug him and he says "There's more stuff in there."   Oops. Okay, so I look, and see a box and some kind of shirt or something underneath the box. My brain doesn't comprehend the box, so I just pulled it out and set it in my lap. Then I see the shirt. I pull it out and it's a baby shirt. He has taken a sharpie marker and drawn a dinosaur on it, and underneath the dinosaur, wrote "Rawr."  It was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen, and I already started imagining the baby wearing it someday, and knowing that it was a homemade (made from the heart) shirt by his/her daddy. But I was interrupted from the mini-daydream by something wrote at the bottom of the shirt... "Turn inside out."




Okay, now I'm confused. Did he draw on the wrong side or something? lol. Poor Kris. I turn the shirt inside out, and see nothing until I turn it around to the other side. Then I see what I'm supposed to be looking for. He has written another message. "Will you?" 

Okay, now I'm really confused... so I ask him, "Will I what?"  I'm clueless.  Have a baby with him? I already am, lol. I look up at him and he's kinda frozen. He has a weird look on his face. Shit, he's feeling dizzy again I bet. (He has been alot here lately.) He reaches down into his pocket and pulls something out, but I don't pay attention to what til he drops down to his knee. (Again, I'm still thinking he's dizzy or something) and he opens his hand and it's a ring box. He looks terrified, and his chin is quivering, but he manages to say in a very shaky voice... "Will you marry me?"     Whaaaaaat?  O.M.G.  I don't remember what I said, if I even said anything at all. I just hugged him and kissed him over and over as he tells me how he's had it planned for a while and nothing went right with the shipping or tracking, and how he wanted to do all this at the doctor's office after we heard the heartbeat, and I just kept hugging him. Then he said,  "I was about to cry. I don't know if you saw that or not."   Of course I did. How I managed to stay dry-eyed, I have NO idea. AT some point he handed me the ring and I put it on my finger while (still) hugging & kissing him, at which point he says, "So is that a yes?"  I just nod my head yes and say, "Of course. Did you think I'd say no?"   Then he confesses that he thought that I might because of the blog, (don't ask) but suddenly none of that mattered anymore. He then told me I did it all wrong. I was supposed to open the box before I went to the shirt. That's when he opens the box for me, and inside was a pretty pearl necklace. Apparently I was supposed to be looking at the necklace and checking it out while he prepared for the moment when I saw the shirt. lol. Oops. Leave it to me to do things backwards. ;)

That's the pearl necklace and the keys, by the way. It was a very beautiful moment until Kylie busts in the bedroom through the closet -- the main door was locked for privacy due to the moment, so she just went through the bathroom and our closet to get in. Brat. He asks if the ring is okay, and well, it's beautiful. It's a marquise cut, with one big stone, and then several stones going around it. Then like if you lay it flat, like on the table or something, on each side between the stone and the band is a heart with a diamond inside the heart. It's perfect. It's just right. And not gold! The picture below doesn't do it justice. At all...

Then suddenly it all made sense -- why he was asking Krystle and Christina about ring carats and stuff like that at the birthday party. Why on the way to the doctor I said something about the Halloween Store and he said "Ring store?"   I was like um, no. lol That's not what I said. And he's been talking about husband stuff lately too. He even watched Bridezilla marathon last week... all that and I still didn't see it coming. Tsk tsk tsk... lol

And so we move on.

I can't recall feeling this lonely, ever. I've always had someone there to talk to about things. And now, all I have is Kris. He is my best friend, hand down. But there are some things I just can't talk to him about and it's those times that I need someone else. Like now.

I know he doesn't understand, and I don't expect him to. He isn't a girl. He's never been through this, so he would have no clue. But the thing is, I do. I have been through this. I know. And because of that, I never should have opened my mouth to him last night.  I'm sure he would have eventually given up and quit asking me what was wrong. It's nothing he did. It's all my fault. I admit it. I knew what I wanted. I know I should have done whatever I needed to do to make sure it happened the way I wanted it to, regardless of how long it took, and lord knows it was gonna take a while... But no, I lived in the moment, and now I have to accept that for what it is.

I love him more than anything. I'd like to think he knows that, but truth is, sometimes I think he doubts it. And I don't know why. I don't feel like I've done anything to make him question it. Yet he still does. I wanted to marry him.  Have kids someday. Be a family. In that order. There were things I wanted to do before we had a baby. Like have a job. A good one. Not WalMart. It was bad enough him making fun of that guy knowing I had an interview there, but then when he was questioning me about my interview at Sears, it made me feel even worse. Like he's ashamed of me working there. He obviously looks down on people that do, otherwise he wouldn't have made that comment about that guy. Do I want to work there? Um, no. Especially not after his comment. But I went to the interview anyway, got hired, and thank God, I'm on the night shift so I won't have to see anyone & no one will even know I work there unless they're told.  Embarrassed or not, I'm going to do it. I'm tired of him stressing about bills and money. And putting stuff on facebook. Jokes or not, he wouldn't be selling his plasma and crap if I was working & making money. He wouldn't have to. So again, my fault.

I wanted us to just spend time together. Its a small issue, but still. Like New Year's Eve. I wanted this NYE to be something special, because we were together, really together. And the balls. I promised him Mardi Gras Balls this year. And now I'm gonna be all huge. Good luck finding a dress to fit me. They can be found, I know. But not any that I'll be able to afford, cause I doubt Rosie's has maternity formals. But how funny would that look if they did? Haha, even a little cute. ;)

But I wanted to be normal. I wanted to get engaged, get married and just be normal before we got pregnant. I tried to tell him this, but he said they were other people's rules, and stupid. Well, maybe so. Maybe it is other people's rules, and stupid to him. But it was important to me. For once, I wanted to do things the right way. The normal way. I didn't want to be another unwed pregnant mother in Alabama. I've been there and done that, just as I have also been a wed mother and pregnant. And the way I was treated was so totally different both times. When you're married, they treat you with more respect. They don't ask you "Do you know who the father is?"  Nah, but they sure did ask when I was pregnant with Riley. And they did it this time too. Twice so far. I hate that, being treated that way. But here I go again... And I'm already sick of everyone asking me "Are yall gonna get married now?"  and getting weird looks when I say no.  I don't want to get married now just because I'm pregnant. Cause that's romantic, right? Nah, I wanted to get married because he wanted to marry me-because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me-not because Oops, we're having a baby. And that's how it'd feel right now even if he did ask. Like he was only doing it because of everyone pressuring him, or asking about it. So in a weird contradiction, as bad as I wanted to marry him, I don't want to marry him right now. Cause then I wouldn't know what the rel reason was for him asking. And because I'd be "that" girl, the one who gets the sympathy proposal. Cause everyone would know we were only getting married because of this. Besides, I refuse to wear a wedding dress with a 10 mile wide stomach. Well, unless we did it redneck themed and all the groomsmen wore camo and the girls wore orange dresses. Okay, no... lol

He thinks now I'm not happy about this baby, and well, that's not true at all. I am very happy. I mean, walking around knowing I'm growing his baby inside me is an amazing feeling. This is what we talked about, what we dreamed about. And now it's real. It's here, and happening. I just get a little down when I think of the little things that are affected. I mean yeah, so I had this whole vision I had in my head of how I wanted things to be & its gone now, but that's okay. I've accepted that part. It's just the little things... like the other day he was asking about the puppy's last name, if it'd be Lambert or Adams.  I didn't even know they had last names. But then it made me think of how I'm sure this same question will come up regarding the baby. And I hate that. It shouldn't be a question. It shouldn't have to be asked. Babies get their parents' last name, duh. And then I remember we have different ones. That's when I get down. And like when him & his mom were talking about the insurance for when he/she is born--putting it on his insurance. And him talking about filing it on his taxes. Its those things. They're little, but they shouldn't even be issues in a normal world.

I guess it just sucks because I've watched other people in this situation and I always swore I'd never let myself fall into that position, and yet I just have. Like Nickett & Lee. They have 2 kids. Been together for 15 years. Fifteen. He has never asked her to marry him. They discussed getting married one time. Planned out a cruise, and was gonna get married on the ship. She was so excited and happy about it. And I was so happy for her. Yet, it never happened. Instead, they ended up having another kid and that's all that changed... And then there's sarah & David. Same situation. They're together, they live together, they have a kid together. Then they have another kid together. Always discuss marriage. But never a proposal. And from a girl's point of view, that's depressing. Its like the guy just saying "I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But marriage is just a big commitment and I don't know if I'm ready for that."  But having babies isn't?? Bringing a child into the world together isn't a big commitment, and you're ready for that apparently.- how is that? I don't know, its dumb I guess. But to me its like just saying you're good enough to have my kids and live with me and pretend to be a family and all, but not good enough to actually marry and be a real one. And that's how I feel now. Especially when he made the comment last night after i tried to talk to him about all this... He said, "I'm sorry I can't give you the life you wanted." Enough said. I just got up and walked out after that. I went to the bedroom & cried til I was nauseous and my eyes were swollen. Then decided fuck it--if this is how it is, this is how it is. I'll accept it. Mainly because I have no other choice. lol.

How did [this] happen?

Damnit to hell, what was I thinking? I somehow caught myself thinking entirely too much about getting married, which isn't a bad thing at all, because I am completely and hopelessly in love with this man, but damnit. Thinking led to more thinking, which led to looking. Looking at wedding stuff. As if I needed to do that. Ugh.

Not ugh as in gross. It's not gross. It's just, I don't know. Annoying. That's what.

I tried to keep quiet about it at first. And damn if we didn't start talking about it one night laying in the bed, and then it just went from there. Once I knew he really actually wanted to marry me, my head just went all retarded. I have successfully ignored the urges to buy damn Bride magazines (yay me!) but ignoring the internet is alot harder, especially since Google is free. After reading Ginger & Ashley's stuff on FB, I googled Davids Bridal and came across a gorgeous dress, which I saved to my computer. WHY? I have no effin clue.  But I even told Kara about it. And then worse, I told Kris. (WTF Niki?!) Um... He wanted to see it. (Wait, what?) Yeah, he wanted to see it. That's not the response I should have gotten. He should have seemed weirded out. Or told me to quit looking at that stuff. Then I'd be fine right now. But noooo.

Today... today it got way worse. Because of his reaction, I decided to show him the dress via Skype. And he liked it. Started talking about me wearing the dress, walking down the aisle, saying "I do"... damnit Kris! NO! Wrong reaction. (Shit.) Because then I started looking at more dresses. And showing him. Then he starts showing me dresses Ashley has chosen (which annoys me because its pretty much just like mine, but black, which is actually an idea I'd had as well, not knowing she did of course) and asks if I've looked at other things like rings and stuff. I laugh to myself and tell him no, that there is no reason to look at all that mess right now. (I am secretly proud of myself for not looking at those things actually.)  Until he says I should. Ugghhh.

So what did I do? I looked.  And started saving pics.  Fuck me.  I did find the black wedding band he talked about wanting a while back, and showed him that pic. And then, before he could have a chance to say he wanted our rings to match, I showed him a pc of the matching female ring. lol. Then, seeing how the engagement ring & wedding band should match, I got curious of how I'd find a black engagement ring and had an idea--black sapphire, or topaz or even an onyx. (Cool!) So I tell him (he's home from work by now) and he says "Oh that's what Ashley wants."  Motherfucker. Seriously? How the hell am I supposed to know that. Apparently I should have the ability to read her mind, cause we can't be like Ashley and Kenneth, naturally...

Then I realize how irritated I had started to get over all this and silently scold myself for it, reminding myself that I have no business even looking at or even thinking about any of this mess right now, whereas Ashley actually does. Well damnit.

So now I am admitting that I am thinking about it way too much and I don't exactly know how to NOT think about it, or stop looking at stuff. It's not even the whole fantasy fairy-tale wedding aspect of it either. I mean yeah, that's gonna be alot of fun too, but even if we don't have a real wedding, it doesn't matter. I just really want to marry him. I'm in love with him and I want the world to know I belong to him. I want him to be mine. Completely.

So the point of this blog? I have no clue. To vent maybe, and to get it off my chest how big of an idiot I think-- know --Im being about all of this.

Blah.

A year full of learning experiences.

So these surveys keep asking if I've changed in the past year. And if I've learned any life lessons. I started answering those questions, and my answers turned into paragraphs, and I realized that it was just too much to put in a survey, so I simply stated, "read the blog." So here goes.


I have changed alot in the past year. Alot. This time last year, I was fighting feelings I had. I was unemployed. Married, but stuck in "roommate status" for what seemed like would be forever. I was completely miserable with my life, yet lacked the motivation to change it. And to be completely honest, lacked the courage as well. But after a few hearts being broken, I realized it was time to make a change, one way or another, and so I did.


The first thing I did was a very small thing, so it seemed. But to me, its significance was enormous: I bought myself a ring. A ring that you've all seen by now. It says on the outside, "Love Life" and engraved on the inside, "Be Brave." It was my inspiration. It was what I looked at every time I felt like things were impossible. It was what I wanted to live by. I wanted to love my life.. but I knew what had to be done to do that, which in turn meant I had to be brave.


A year later, I am a new person. I have a new attitude, a new outlook on life. I have a new relationship status. I am officially divorced as of Tuesday, June 23rd, but definitely not available. I have a new address that I share with Kris, the person that helped me become who I am. I have my kids. I have a good day-shift job that allows me to be home with my kids like I should be. I have a new car that, okay, I didn't buy--he bought it for me while I was at work, but I'll be paying for it. I am currently looking into taking some online college classes. But most importantly, I have a smile pretty much permanently implanted on my face. I have less stress, and a much more relaxed personality. I am happy. And in the process, I learned alot of things, which I'll now get into, one at a time. Some I'll explain, and some I won't. Sometimes things need no explanation - they just kinda explain themselves. And sometimes, it's just best if you don't explain at all.


I learned that good things do happen if you believe enough. That it may take time. Lots of time. Sometimes, almost a year. And that you may want to give up. But you just have to keep believing. Find that one piece of hope and inspiration, and hang on to it with everything you've got. And when the time is right, it will happen. Because in the end, timing is everything and planning is nothing.


I learned that, despite what I said so many times before, that everything does happen for a reason. I even wrote a blog about it once, naming all the reasons why I felt that way. But for every reason I didn't believe, the answers have come. Sometimes horrible things happen to you in order to save it from happening to someone else -- someone who is less able to mentally/physically deal with it. And then there are times when something happens, and you just can't seem to find a reason for it to save your life, any reason at all. But even then, even when it seems hopeless, there is always a reason hiding somewhere. The most horrible thing that happened to me turned out to be the best thing that could've ever happened. I didn't know it at the time, and if you would've tried to tell me that, I would have probably tried to kill you. No, seriously, I might have. All I knew was that I hated life, everything in it, and everyone in it. But when Chris told me it was that thing happening that made him know he had to let me go, then it changed the way I felt about the whole thing. Because had that thing not happened, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be with him.


I learned that miracles do exist. The above paragraph is one of the reasons, and while I know most of you had no clue what I was talking about, its okay. You weren't meant to. It's just funny though. I told someone in an email one night how I felt about alot of things, and what I wished would happen even though I didn't figure it would anytime soon, and then said, using these exact words, "I need a miracle." And I kid you not, it was the very next day, that I heard the words that changed my life. I got my miracle. He told me to go for it. And so I did. Cautiously, because I thought it was a trick, but I did. Miracles do exist. You just have to believe and never give up. Not just in love, but in all aspects of life. Like someone being blessed with a child through adoption. An amazing, beautiful, happy child that lights up the entire room just by being in it. Not only is she herself a miracle, but she is a miracle to her parents, and everyone in her new family, just as they are a miracle to her. Because where would she be if she wasn't with them? Miracles do happen. Mainly when you least expect them, as long as you believe.


And in doing so, I learned that love does conquer all. No matter how much heartache you have to endure... no matter how much pain you're put through... no matter how many times it seems hopeless, like it's just never going to happen... no matter how many times you're told that it's just not meant to be... love will make it through. It won't be easy. It will be hard as hell at times, and there will be fighting involved sometimes. Feelings may get hurt and hearts may get bruised. But true love will always win in the end. When two people love each other completely and never stop believing in each other, then love will conquer it all in the end.


I learned that the people you think will always be there are the ones that will let you down the most and turn your back when you need them, and that the ones that come in behind them and pick up the broken pieces are not the ones you'd ever expect it to be. It was those people and those times that I learned how strong I was, and how much stronger I could be. They pointed out alot of things in me that I had lost sight of, both good and bad. I learned that I can be my own person and that it shouldn't matter who does/doesn't like me for it. A girl at work shared this quote the other day in class that seems appropriate right about now : "Be yourself -- everyone else is taken." And while 'myself' was someone who used to be bitchy, mean, sour, and complained alot, even let people walk all over me... Well alot has changed in my life that has changed me as a person, and all I can do is be me, who I am now, and hope that everyone sees the difference. The ones that can, and do, will be in my life. And the ones who don't, or won't even take the time to try, aren't really worth my time in the end anyway.


Sure, I miss the way alot of things are with alot of people, but I can't change it alone. All I can do is make an effort to talk to and spend time with them and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, then it just doesn't. It's sad, but I'll be okay. I won't chase anyone down and bug them about hanging out or whatever until they give in. I want you to spend time with me because you want to, and not any other reason. I haven't chased anyone or been overly-friendly to anyone since the big blow-up several months ago, and that's a good thing in the end. Everyone had their "I'm out" card, and they decided what to do with it, whether to keep it or toss it. Some are still deciding, it seems. And that's okay too. Just know that you aren't the only ones making decisions about it.


The main thing I learned though, was what combines everything in this blog together --
what's meant to be will always find a way. <3


On another note... yesterday was my Dad's birthday. And for the first time since he died in 1993, I saw him. I borrowed a home video from Mamaw, and while he was only on there twice in like 5 second clips, I still saw him. And much to my amazement, he was exactly as I remembered him. He didn't speak in the videos, but I remember his voice in my head. It just would've been nice to hear it. Especially on his birthday. I was exactly how I always am on that day - moody and withdrawn - which irritated me. Every year I say I won't be that way next time, but I always am. But I had two people help me through it. Thank you, Kris and Chris, for that. I promise I'll do better in October.

Love, life, and the pursuit of happiness.

Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Isn't it all the same in the end? I mean, doesn't it all tie together somehow? I don't know really. It is for me, I know that much. And that's all that matters. Alot has changed in such a short period of time. For those who don't know, I suppose I should start from the beginning.

Since it's after midnight now, today is officially Sunday. Which means it was exactly 3 weeks ago today that Chris and I decided [mutually] to get a divorce. We were getting along great, but just wasn't actually happy with our life. There's an old saying that goes like this: You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you'd rather be. Well, that was true for us. And we both finally decided where we'd rather be. I already knew, of course. Both what I wanted and where I wanted to be, and also what HE wanted, or rather who, lol. But it took him time to see it. Maybe he just wasn't ready to leave his comfort zone and try, who knows. But he is now. So we did it. We had 'the talk' and all the tension that had been between us was gone. Just melted away, that easily. He told me he knew what I wanted, or rather who, and even gave me his blessing to go for it before it was too late. So, I did the same naturally, and although there is a slight bit of an 'obstacle' for him right now in getting what he wants, I hope he hangs in there and overcomes it. Because I think she is a great person and they would make a cute couple. :)

I also went after what I wanted, which most of you already know is Kris. And while it caused all kinds of chaos in the chain of friends for the both of us, we just said fuck it and held on tighter as we were dragged  through the mud. Cause at the end of the day, our true friends are the ones who are happy for us. Regardless of how long it took, what happened in between, or what we went through to get to where we finally are now. The ones who didn't stop talking to one of us just because other people did. We are happy. We got an apartment and will be moving into it together in about 3 weeks. (Which totally excites me not only for obvious reasons, but because my balla' Nickett will be my neighbor and I'll have a pool all through summer. I know right?!) It seems like everything is falling into place finally. Almost a year later, haha. But better late than never, right?   :)

I am happy. Truly happy. And I'm sorry if that's hell for anyone, but I think I deserve that much. Even if you disagree. But really, who are you to judge? The only person who should have a problem with it is Chris, and he doesn't. Like I said, he's the one who told me to go for it, so why should anyone else care? They shouldn't, right? Oh but they do. Because people are still telling him about things I'm doing, or things I've done. Guess what though? He already knows. I told him everything. So stop trying to screw me over because your life sucks.

To the people that were friends with both Chris and I -- thank you to the very few of yall who remained true and didn't start any of the above mentioned drama and gossip. Thank you to those of you who continue to come around and hang out with the both of us. Thank you to the ones who actually took the time to see what was going on now is a very positive thing, and what's best for everyone. You see that we get along better now than we have in a looong time. And we will continue to do so. I consider Chris one of my very best friends. And nothing will change that. We will continue to hang out together and do things together, even though we are divorcing. We never were a normal married couple, why be  a normal divorced couple? lol

But to those of you who quit talking to us once you found out about the divorce -- thanks for showing us your true colors. Thanks for the complete lack of  support, cause if you're being this way now with it on good terms, I can only imagine what kind of moral support (or should I say lack of) that you would show if this was bad and I/he/we needed you.  To you-(you'll know who you are when you read this next part)-Don't worry about texting me on that one day of the week to see if we plan on showing up that night. We won't be. Because we would hate to let "the awkwardness of past relationships" bother you, especially since you said you could 'do without that.' It's funny though. There is no awkwardness on our part. We are great now.  But you never took a chance to see that, did you?

On that same subject, I recently lost two of my best friends. One still baffles me because I am not really sure what I did, or supposedly said. I've never spoke a bad word about her. Yet she claims people say I did, although refuses to tell me what it was. She also told me to stay out of her life, so even though it hurts, I am doing just that. The other one, well. I'm still angry, and I don't think anything could really change that right now. The only promise I ever wanted her to keep, the most important one, was broken. And the sad thing is, that's not what the hurtful part was, cause I can't really blame her for how she felt. What I am angry about, is receiving a 4 day long guilt trip when it was true all along. And then still being lied to when I already knew the truth.

I hope, truly hope, that someday things can be different between us all. I miss everyone being friends. No drama. But until that day, I am just living my life with the people who want to be in it. The people who love me for me. The people who are happy for me. For Chris. For all of us, because in the end, we are all ending up exactly where we are supposed to be. And despite everything, I smile more now than I have in a long time. I laugh. Alot. I notice, my kids even notice. And that's amazing to me. I am happy with my love, my life, and with the direction it's all going in. And at the end of the day, that is truly all that matters. So I guess I answered my own question -- Life, love and the pursuit of happiness... it IS all tied together in the end.   :)

She's a question without answers...

Oh my life is such a mess. I hate it. I've been getting NO sleep since Kylie's been out of daycare. Yes, it's cheaper and well, free obviously. But I'm getting no sleep and I lose my temper and have virtually NO patience with her anymore. Seems like my mood towards her was so much better when she went to daycare. I know it's just because I'm tired/exhausted and it causes me to get irritated so easily, but I can't help yelling at her or whatever sometimes. Regardless, it isn't right. She didn't do anything. Except today when she cut her hair, yet again. It had finally got long enough to do pictures. Go figure.

 God I miss Kris, and the way he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. The way he'd get so genuinely irritated when he'd compliment me and I'd roll my eyes and say "whatever." But I knew he meant those things he said. I felt it when he said them, and it felt good knowing someone felt that way about me. But I'm more modest than to smile and say thank you. He did everything he could to make sure I knew how he felt about me. Always opened doors for me, pulled out my chair like a gentleman-something I'm certainly not used to. He made it 'duty' to take care of me, whether I liked it or not. The way he brought me a huge bag full of different medicines, cough drops, soups and dr pepper when I was sick, all without me even asking. He would do anything in his power to make sure I was happy, and if I wasn't, he would do whatever he could to try to make me happy. And for a while, it worked. He was so romantic. Did things that I do. Liked the same things I liked. Open-minded about the same things I was. He had a passion for life, and he motivated me to do so much. He loved to talk, and he made sure I always knew how he felt.

I don't understand it. My heart, that is. I mean, I had someone who wanted nothing more in the world than to make me happy, no matter what it took. Someone who wanted me in every way, and made damn sure I knew it. Someone who would listen to me tell stories and not complain about how long it took because of how I like to tell every little detail. Someone who wanted to just hold me when I cried, and one time even cried with me because he felt so helpless because he knew there was nothing he could do to fix it. I had the someone I had always wanted, and I never even looked for him. He just fell into my life at the most bizarre moment in time, almost like it was meant to be. He made me happy.

 I had all the things I wanted in a guy with him, and I miss him. I miss my friend. I miss the guy I could talk to about anything. The guy who could make me laugh. The guy who, despite how he felt, would have held in his feelings forever had I not told him how I felt. That guy was my friend, before I screwed everything up. And I miss that guy. I miss my best friend, and he was one. I don't regret anything that happened, because it made me see what I wanted, and what I needed to be happy. I hate that I hurt him in the process. I hate that more than anything, cause he didn't deserve that. He deserves to be happy. To be with someone who can love him as much as he loves her, and I truly hope he finds that someone if it turns out it isn't me.  (Ugh, I hate that thought. I want it to be me. I truly believe it IS me.) And I hope that I find the answers to my own life's questions. He brought me alot closer. He made me see things I never saw before. He showed me a way of looking at things that I never would have found myself. He's amazing.

I keep telling myself there's a reason for all this, that it's all about timing. It has to be, right? Cause planning things sure as hell didn't work out. :/  But I believe he came into my life when he did for a reason. He was meant to be here. I knew the minute I saw him that he was different. I could feel it inside me. Yeah I'm aware how ignorant that must sound, but its the God's honest truth. It wasn't a lust thing, like omg I want him. I've never been that way before, why start now? No, this was more. I saw him and I immediately wanted to know everything about him. Who he was, what he did, what he liked, what he hated, music taste, who his friends were, what his life was like... and at the same time, I had the feeling that we'd met before, that I'd known him my whole life. I know, it makes no sense. But its true. I've never fet that way about anyone. And as much as I'd heard about him, it seemed odd that I'd never met him before. But there he was, suddenly in my life and I was meeting him. And I knew in that moment that I never wanted him out of it... so how do I manage that? How do I keep him in it? I want him to be a huge part of my life. I love that boy. So much it hurts. It kills me to know that he doesn't believe me. But hell, he's been lied to so many times, why should he? I haven't proved otherwise. Hell I've done the opposite. I promised, no swore to him, that I was nothing like *her*... That I'd never do to him what she did. But I did. Not for the same reasons. And not even cause I wanted to. I did it for the kids... but none the less, I still did it. And now I don't know how to make good on it. To prove to him I'm not like that, that I'm not a liar. That he's the one I want to be with.... 

Hell or glory--I don't want anything in between.

This year was an altering one for me in more ways than imaginable. But it's over, finally, and so I felt it was time to ponder on some of the things I learned along the way. Then I decided that maybe, just maybe, if I put it in writing, I could remind myself of it and try not to make the same mistakes again in this coming new year.

Things aren't always what they seem, or appear to be. I learned this both ways. One by assuming things and running my mouth, only to later have to remove my foot from it. Granted, I did try to get the real story. It just didnt work out, so all I had left were my assumptions, but still, they were wrong and that's what I get for assuming. I also know because I proved it myself. Yeah, I know how things looked when I left. I know the timing of it was mighty convenient. But that's all it was, was a coincidence. Which brings me to my next point...

You can't believe everything you hear. Chances are, it's true. But chances are even higher that it's not true. In which case, you're just spreading rumors, and no one likes that person. I had plenty spread about me this year. More in the recent months than earlier on, but oh well. We're all guilty of it at some point or another, so I don't hold it over anyone's head. Some of it was true, obviously, but other parts, not so much. I think it's just time we all started trying to get our facts straight before we talk. All of us. If we aren't sure about something, we need to ask. Do not assume.

Timing is everything, and planning is nothing. 

I learned that you can put yourself back out there in the work world, regardless of how long you've been gone. Yeah, the economy is bad. But with alot of determination and a little praying, you can get a decent job. With a little luck, you can have a great job just fall into your lap. :)

I learned that friends drift apart. It's probably nothing personal, just sometimes life itself intervenes and takes people down different paths and we have to accept that. That even if we don't talk everyday, it doesn't mean we aren't friends at all, just that we aren't the 'us' we used to be. I've drifted away from some great friends this year. I have gotten reunited with others that I hadn't talked to in years. I've made some amazing new friends that I love dearly. That sometimes we just need time to deal with personal issues amongst ourselves, and then we'll fall back together when the time is right.

True friendship isn't about being inseparable.
It's about being seperated and nothing changes.

I learned that miracles do exist. That good things do come to those who wait. That if someone is meant to have something in their life, whether it be a new house, a baby, or whatever... they will get it. And if not, then they won't.

I learned alot of things about my past, remembered some things about other parts, and why I feel the way I do about certain things. Why some things bother me so much, and why I'm so paranoid about things. And I learned that I have to let it go and move past it, truly move past it, before I can ever really move on and make things different. Some of it I can learn from, and know better how to protect them. And others, I just have to learn that I can't run from...

I learned that road trips with friends and live music are more fun than I could've ever imagined. Until I get drunk and make an ass of myself... But I also learned that I can recover from it.

I learned alot about my family. That my brother isn't as annoying as I thought he was, but that he just tries too hard to get our approval because he feels like he needs it. That my sister has grown up alot in so many ways, but in all equalness, still has a long way to go. I learned I never gave either of them a chance really, until I moved in with them for that short while and got to know them better. I learned that I have pretty much entirely missed out on both of my younger sisters' lives. That I don't really know much about them. I learned that all of this breaks my heart tremendously, considering for a long time there, I was their mother. Or rather the closest thing they had to one at the time, for a couple of years anyway. Speaking of which, I learned that my mother has never really let go. Of the past. Of him. That she never will. And that because of this, she will always have a drinking problem, and that my family has accepted this.

I learned that no matter what, someone is always going to find a reason to not like me. To criticize me, my life, or my way of doing things.

I learned, most importantly, what it takes to make me happy. That I need to be my own person, with my own identity, and not hide that person. To not be just "Chris's wife" or "Riley/Kylie's mom"  or "so & so's friend."  That I need to be me. That I need to shine in my own light. I need freedom to make my own decisions, and I need those decisions to be supported.

"She knows she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose."
--Thousand Foot Krutch


Having said all that, here are my resolutions for 2009.

I will not assume things. I will try to get the story. If I have reasonable doubt, I will not repeat it. And if I do, it will be only be repeated to try to get the truth, and with the clear understanding that I am uncertain about its level or truthfulness to begin with. I will not assume that just because someone is somewhere with someone else, that it means they are together, or have something going on, unless clear actions are made to indicate otherwise.

I will stress less over friendships drifting apart, and focus more on the people who want to be in my life and be my friends. Those who actually want to spend time with me, instead of those who never have time for me, regardless of how much I ask. I will not concern myself with the guilt trips they try to impose on me, yet blow me off when I ask them about the same issues I received the guilt trips for.

I will find a way to move past everything inside me. Maybe I'll talk more about it. Maybe I'll keep a journal of my thoughts as they occur. But I will  finally release them instead of trying to bury them inside, hoping they will go away.

I will smile more. Gap and all. :D Maybe even for picture occasionally. But I make no promises there.

I will be myself. My true self, in every dysfunctional or scary way. And I will let you love me or hate me for it, but I will still be me at the end of the day, and not care what people think about it so much. I will say what I want to say and not be afraid of who will hear it. I will post pictures and not be concerned with who is offended by them. Because after all, this is MYspace. My place to be who I am, and show it. And if you don't want to see them, or read what I say, then you don't have to be here.

I will spend more time with my family. Both the ones I live with, and the ones I don't. I will know them. Truly know them. Ask questions about their life. Be there for them like they were for me.

Should you see me slipping from these, or veering off course, kindly point me back in the direction of this blog. And if I don't seem to be paying attention, boldly yell out, "Bitch, read the blog. You wrote it, that was the purpose, to remind your stubborn ass of what you wanted in life."  I may roll my eyes, but I'll love you for it later. :)