I can't recall feeling this lonely, ever. I've always had someone there to talk to about things. And now, all I have is Kris. He is my best friend, hand down. But there are some things I just can't talk to him about and it's those times that I need someone else. Like now.
I know he doesn't understand, and I don't expect him to. He isn't a girl. He's never been through this, so he would have no clue. But the thing is, I do. I have been through this. I know. And because of that, I never should have opened my mouth to him last night. I'm sure he would have eventually given up and quit asking me what was wrong. It's nothing he did. It's all my fault. I admit it. I knew what I wanted. I know I should have done whatever I needed to do to make sure it happened the way I wanted it to, regardless of how long it took, and lord knows it was gonna take a while... But no, I lived in the moment, and now I have to accept that for what it is.
I love him more than anything. I'd like to think he knows that, but truth is, sometimes I think he doubts it. And I don't know why. I don't feel like I've done anything to make him question it. Yet he still does. I wanted to marry him. Have kids someday. Be a family. In that order. There were things I wanted to do before we had a baby. Like have a job. A good one. Not WalMart. It was bad enough him making fun of that guy knowing I had an interview there, but then when he was questioning me about my interview at Sears, it made me feel even worse. Like he's ashamed of me working there. He obviously looks down on people that do, otherwise he wouldn't have made that comment about that guy. Do I want to work there? Um, no. Especially not after his comment. But I went to the interview anyway, got hired, and thank God, I'm on the night shift so I won't have to see anyone & no one will even know I work there unless they're told. Embarrassed or not, I'm going to do it. I'm tired of him stressing about bills and money. And putting stuff on facebook. Jokes or not, he wouldn't be selling his plasma and crap if I was working & making money. He wouldn't have to. So again, my fault.
I wanted us to just spend time together. Its a small issue, but still. Like New Year's Eve. I wanted this NYE to be something special, because we were together, really together. And the balls. I promised him Mardi Gras Balls this year. And now I'm gonna be all huge. Good luck finding a dress to fit me. They can be found, I know. But not any that I'll be able to afford, cause I doubt Rosie's has maternity formals. But how funny would that look if they did? Haha, even a little cute. ;)
But I wanted to be normal. I wanted to get engaged, get married and just be normal before we got pregnant. I tried to tell him this, but he said they were other people's rules, and stupid. Well, maybe so. Maybe it is other people's rules, and stupid to him. But it was important to me. For once, I wanted to do things the right way. The normal way. I didn't want to be another unwed pregnant mother in Alabama. I've been there and done that, just as I have also been a wed mother and pregnant. And the way I was treated was so totally different both times. When you're married, they treat you with more respect. They don't ask you "Do you know who the father is?" Nah, but they sure did ask when I was pregnant with Riley. And they did it this time too. Twice so far. I hate that, being treated that way. But here I go again... And I'm already sick of everyone asking me "Are yall gonna get married now?" and getting weird looks when I say no. I don't want to get married now just because I'm pregnant. Cause that's romantic, right? Nah, I wanted to get married because he wanted to marry me-because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me-not because Oops, we're having a baby. And that's how it'd feel right now even if he did ask. Like he was only doing it because of everyone pressuring him, or asking about it. So in a weird contradiction, as bad as I wanted to marry him, I don't want to marry him right now. Cause then I wouldn't know what the rel reason was for him asking. And because I'd be "that" girl, the one who gets the sympathy proposal. Cause everyone would know we were only getting married because of this. Besides, I refuse to wear a wedding dress with a 10 mile wide stomach. Well, unless we did it redneck themed and all the groomsmen wore camo and the girls wore orange dresses. Okay, no... lol
He thinks now I'm not happy about this baby, and well, that's not true at all. I am very happy. I mean, walking around knowing I'm growing his baby inside me is an amazing feeling. This is what we talked about, what we dreamed about. And now it's real. It's here, and happening. I just get a little down when I think of the little things that are affected. I mean yeah, so I had this whole vision I had in my head of how I wanted things to be & its gone now, but that's okay. I've accepted that part. It's just the little things... like the other day he was asking about the puppy's last name, if it'd be Lambert or Adams. I didn't even know they had last names. But then it made me think of how I'm sure this same question will come up regarding the baby. And I hate that. It shouldn't be a question. It shouldn't have to be asked. Babies get their parents' last name, duh. And then I remember we have different ones. That's when I get down. And like when him & his mom were talking about the insurance for when he/she is born--putting it on his insurance. And him talking about filing it on his taxes. Its those things. They're little, but they shouldn't even be issues in a normal world.
I guess it just sucks because I've watched other people in this situation and I always swore I'd never let myself fall into that position, and yet I just have. Like Nickett & Lee. They have 2 kids. Been together for 15 years. Fifteen. He has never asked her to marry him. They discussed getting married one time. Planned out a cruise, and was gonna get married on the ship. She was so excited and happy about it. And I was so happy for her. Yet, it never happened. Instead, they ended up having another kid and that's all that changed... And then there's sarah & David. Same situation. They're together, they live together, they have a kid together. Then they have another kid together. Always discuss marriage. But never a proposal. And from a girl's point of view, that's depressing. Its like the guy just saying "I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But marriage is just a big commitment and I don't know if I'm ready for that." But having babies isn't?? Bringing a child into the world together isn't a big commitment, and you're ready for that apparently.- how is that? I don't know, its dumb I guess. But to me its like just saying you're good enough to have my kids and live with me and pretend to be a family and all, but not good enough to actually marry and be a real one. And that's how I feel now. Especially when he made the comment last night after i tried to talk to him about all this... He said, "I'm sorry I can't give you the life you wanted." Enough said. I just got up and walked out after that. I went to the bedroom & cried til I was nauseous and my eyes were swollen. Then decided fuck it--if this is how it is, this is how it is. I'll accept it. Mainly because I have no other choice. lol.
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