This has nothing of interest being said.

Guess who is bored? This girl. Soooo, I'm gonna write about some random things. Ready, set, go!

I want an adventure. A road trip would be fun. Or a slumber party with the girls. I'd love that. I just need something spontaneous to happen, something fun. 

I will definitely have a pool this summer. If I have to, I'll put it on layaway at Toys'R'Us and get it that way. And believe me, if you don't come over to hang out with me now, you sure as heck won't be then. Shady.

I sure wish my boots would come in sometime this year. I've been waiting forever. Okay technically not, seeing how I just ordered them Sunday and its only Tuesday but ugggh. I'm NOT a patient person. Never have been, never will be.

Kollin standing up already scares me. I don't want this to fly by. He might be my last one, so I want it to go slow. And I don't want him to get teeth. He's so cute with his toothless adorable grin. I need to get pictures of him made now that he can sit up, and I need to do it like asap. We need to get family pics made.

I miss the pink in my hair. I could put it back in, sure. But I miss being the only one with pink in their hair. Now anywhere you go, someone has it. Copycats. Okay maybe they're not copycats. It just means I was cool first. Hehe. :D

I'm super ready to experiment on formal dresses. I just have to figure out this zipper issue first. I'm kinda intimidated by the zipper, I won't even lie. But I promise within the next week, I will make myself create something with a zipper. Maybe a skirt. I don't know yet.

I want a massage. Yeah, a full body rubdown massage, like on tv.

"On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese. I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed..."   
Does anyone else remember that song from elementary school? They don't teach kids that stuff anymore, and that's kinda sad. .Useless fact: Wilmer Valderama is the voice of Handy Manny. (He's the one who played Fez on 'That 70s Show.')

I don't get why some people think clowns are scary. I'll admit, some are a little creepy looking, but they aren't scary. Like when I was a kid, I watched Killer Klowns From Outer Space, and I giggled. Laughed, even, cause it was funny to me, even at 9 years old. Nothing about that movie was scary, even though it was supposed to be.

I want to have another 80's party. It was fun dressing in all 80s clothes and listening to all 80s music. I know some people aren't too sure how the 80s people dressed (which is weird cause alot of it has come back into style, but that's a whole 'nother story.) But me, I grew up in the 80s. I was born in 1980 itself, so I'm a classic. ;)

Now, referring to the previous unfinished sentence - just because some things are in style doesn't mean you should wear it in public. And even some things that aren't in style shouldn't be worn in public unless it is for a specific cause. For example, spandex. Please do not wear spandex unless you're doing some kind of athletic activity such as going to the gym, doing a walk or run, going to yoga or Zumba, etc. Going to the mall in your spandex shorts does not qualify. Please put on real clothes, even if you have a supermodel body. It's just weird.

Gretchen Wilson said in her song "I keep my Christmas lights up on my front porch all year long." People make fun of other people who do that. Why? Clearly, the person who makes fun of it never had to hang them and then take them down every year. It just makes sense to leave them up there.

I'd love to go back to Stone Mountain and hike back down that volcano again. That was amazing. I wish we would've had more time that day. It was truly a beautiful place, so calm and peaceful, and the air seemed so much cleaner.

I absolutely LOVE being back with Sprint. I don't miss anything about at&t at all. I love this phone. It blows my iPhone out of the water and makes it seem like a toy. There are so many more apps, so much more areas of customization, and my favorite part-- the bill is cheaper for all the same features we had with at&t, and then some.

I love my job. I love being able to work when I want, and not work when I don't want to. Okay that's not completely true because sometimes people will order something and say they need it in a few days. What does that mean for me? Stop, drop, and sew. And not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm getting sooo good at what I do. I started off doing this cause Kollin needed something to wear for our wedding, and when it turned out so cute, Kris told me I needed to list it for sale. I didn't think anyone would want one, but I posted one for sale June 24th. 2 days later the orders came rolling in and they haven't stopped yet. I've branched out into so many different things besides the tuxedos -- baby pants, baby suspender onesies, Mario, Luigi and Wario hats, boyshorts, baby and adult skirts, adult pajama & lounge pants, hobo bags, clutch purses, toddler outfits, tutu skirts... all kinds of things. I don't care if I never become famous for it. But I take it seriously, so you should too. I don't do this for free, because the materials (fabric, thread, buttons, ribbon, etc) isn't free, and neither is my time. So if you tell me you want me to make you something, please be serious about it the same way you would if I were a stranger. Cause I'm all business when it comes to my work.

I've been super nostalgic lately, reminiscing on old memories and good times in the past. There's so much I miss about the old days. Some of the traditions we had, some of the friends that have come and gone, places that no longer exist. If I was a songwriter, I'd totally write a song. But I'm not, so instead I write the memories on people's walls. :)

I'm terribly sad that this is One Tree Hill's last season. What am I supposed to watch when it's over? Sigh.

Does anyone know where to buy Jones Cream Soda in the bottle? (Not the can. I'm picky, it doesn't taste the same.) I used to love it but I can't seem to find it anymore and that makes me incredibly sad. Some gas stations have Jones sodas in the bottle but not the Cream soda. Every other flavor under the sun, sure. Just not the one I want.

Me and my LJ have become reacquainted again. I like that. Alot. I had gotten out of the writing phase for a while there, but I'm happy to be back in it again.

I for real have fallen majorly in love with the Hannah Montana show. Way too late, I know. But better late than never, right? The sad part is, none of the kids were even home when I started watching it. (Well, Kollin was but he doesn't count. He only cares about watching Mickey Mouse.)  I just caught a marathon and it sucked me in because I was too lazy to get the remote and turn it.  I now feel like I need to see the Hannah movies. Anyone got them? Don;t offer to let me borrow them if you do, cause it'll take me forever to return them. Bush let me borrow her first 3 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. Sue and I started watching it. We made it to the 6th episode of the first season. Things happened, and I have yet to even attempt to resume watching it alone. I should return them to Bush, if I ever see her, cause I know I'll never get around to watching it. I don't like watching anything alone. I like having someone there with me to discuss it as we watch.

Thanks for reading this. You must have been bored. I said absolutely nothing of real importance, but I warned you. Know what that means? I have just taken probably 5-7 minutes of your life that you will never get back again. Hehe..!

Deep breath... and here we go.

I've been keeping my thoughts to myself for a while now, thinking things might change. Giving you the benefit of a doubt. Cause of course I want things to be different. I wanted it so bad. But I am saying right here, right now, that I am giving up. I don't care anymore. I don't care what you do, where you go, who you do it with... but just know that I won't be there to be a part of it. And neither will my kids. I refuse to submit them to what I had to grow up in. They deserve better than that. Better than you. So do Destiny and Brittany, but you don't care about them or anyone else. You never have, except for yourself. It's sad, my kids love you so much, and it hurts to have to take them out of your life because of choices you've made, but one day they'll understand. Hell, Riley already does. He comments on you being drunk all the time. He's 11 years old, he shouldn't see the things he sees when he's around you. I thought, really thought - that maybe seeing how you DIED and got brought back to life by EMTs that you would look at life a little differently. That maybe you might want to actually LIVE for a change instead of drinking yourself away. But no, I guess not. I was wrong. I let you come to the birthday party because I wanted to see for myself how you were. But after you called me the other night, drunk, asking for money.. that was it for me. I'm done with you unless you can get some help. Some real help. This includes holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. I refuse to have my kids around you. Or rather, to have you around my kids. I've brushed it off all these years, but I just can't do it anymore. You want to kill yourself by drinking, fine. Go for it. But I won't be around to see it and neither will your grandchildren. I love you, but I don't like you. I don't even know who you are anymore.

Cause these places and these faces are getting old...

I absolutely hate that I haven't wrote since I found out I was pregnant and got engaged. But hell, I just don't have the time between everything else. I'll finish my TP orders and think "okay now I can write" but then Kollin is ready to eat or wants to play, and I can't say no to that cute chunky face. And lord knows when the kids are here, I can't concentrate. I do good to write out a FB status. lol.

Speaking of Teeny Punks, I am still kinda amazed at its progress. I posted one thing on Etsy on June 24th because Kris insisted, thinking "no one's gonna buy this, but whatever." I just wanted him to hush about it. But 2 days later I got an order, and here it is almost 4 months later and I just got my 103rd order! Hence the amazed feeling. It's cool seeing the things I make, and how good they turn out. But it's an unexplainable feeling when someone else likes it enough to buy it and put their kid in it. And some even send pics. That is my favorite part, hands down. It'd be nice if my family thought it was cool. They don't even acknowledge it at all actually. They never even mention it, as though it doesn't exist, but whatever. They're all a bunch of skunk sacs anyway. Kris and Nickett are my number one fans/supporters. Kris, by default of course. He sure loves me. And Nickett, I don't know why, because she doesn't have babies or even toddlers in the age range I currently make these things for, (although she did have me make a cheerleader uniform for Carmen.) But I sure do love her for it. She's always trying to help promote it, and advertise for me. I've got to get my business license or sellers permit or whatever I need to get, I don't know really. I just know I need to get it soon so I don't get in legal trouble. Holli told me what all I need to do, but I have no clue where to even start, or how much it will all cost.

My life lately has been soooo drama free lately and I can't be happier about that. I guess maybe I'm growing up a little more and realizing that even though I miss some of my friends, I don't need them in my life. That they have negative impacts on me even if I don't realize it. I mean sure, we have good, fun times together. But I'm over the whole shit-show every time someone gets pissy. It's like a double standard, and it's not fair. If you piss me off, I'll tell you why and then I'll let it go, the end. But if I piss someone off, they gotta resort to cussing me out, calling me all kind of nasty names and telling me how they really feel about me. Its always the same. Time will pass and they'll start talking to me again and tell me 'well you know I didn't mean it, I was just mad', etc. But screw that. You meant what you said so don't try to take it back. Sure it'd be easier to keep the peace and be friends again, but frankly I don't see how that's fair to me. It's been said several times recently that I'm -- and I quote -- "a selfish ungrateful bitch" -- I still have the texts in my phone. So why would I even want to be friends with people who feel that way about me? I don't deserve that kind of treatment by someone who is supposed to be my friend, and I won't settle for it. As far as keeping the peace, we'll see each other at events quite frequently, I know this. But I am mature enough to be polite and civil as though all is fine. But I don't need to be friends to keep the peace, knowing that you'd just get pissed at me again someday and there we go all over again, you throwing all my faults in my face, even when they're irrelevant to what you're pissed at me about. I see all your faults too. There's things you do that pisses me off too. Do I throw it in your face when I'm mad at you? No, because it's stupid and dramatic and I'm past all that. Do I miss these friends? Hmmm. Yes and no. I miss the fun times we had together.  But I don't miss them making me feel like shit because I had an opinion, or got mad about something they would've gotten mad about if situation were reversed. I no longer feel the pressure to start a conversation up just so I don't get the 'I haven't heard from you in days, what's your deal'  text. Cause that works both ways. Point is, I'm at peace with the whole situation. And I'm not referring to just one person here, let me clarify that.

And while we're on the whole friendship rant, let me throw this on out there... I am no longer going to be the glue that tries to hold everyone together. Seems like I'm always the one inviting people to lunch dates, to our house for dinner or just to hang out. Any time there's some kind of event, I always try to make sure I include everyone. Not because I don't want to deal with pissy attitudes about them not being invited (okay maybe that too) but mainly because I like having all of my friends together on a regular basis.  But it seems sometimes like I'm the only one who cares. Like, if I didn't invite people to lunch or to the house for whatever reason, then I wouldn't see them. So, I quit. Here I am. If you want to see me, invite me to do something. Or call and be like 'hey, I wanna come over and hang out if that's cool.'  Some days I just wake up and wanna tell Kris to try to get that job in SC, that maybe moving away wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. That would make his day. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know. But new places and new faces could be good for me. Hell maybe I just need a vacation.

And one more thing, on a lighter note. Possibly awkward for you, but that's why I'm writing it. It was brought to my attention Saturday night that the love triangle comes up alot lately in conversation. And as drunk as I was, I thought about it and realized that yes--yes it does. Is that awkward for me? Nope. If it was, we wouldn't be in the place we are now, any of us. Is it awkward for Kris? Nope. Is it awkward for Jeannie? Nope. She even told Trey about it. So my question is, why is it awkward for anyone else? I mean, it's US that it happened to. A long time ago even. And we got past it. Enough so, that we can talk about it in conversation just like anything else. It's a part of the past. It happened, just like alot of other things, so there's no use hiding it, not talking about it, and pretending like it didn't. Truth is, it was the best thing that could've happened, and I've told them both that. Because it took that happening to open Lambert's eyes and make him see just how much in love with Kris I was, and he let me go 'before it was too late.'  I know this because he told me himself. Anyway, for whatever reason, everyone is still very awkward about the whole thing and I don't get why. So I figure if we talk about it and make people see that we aren't awkward about it, then maybe they'll relax and quit acting like it's a big deal. I mean, it's not like he's a polygamist and we're both his wives. Or hell, its not like we sit around and compare sexual experiences like what positions we got in and stuff, cause yeah okay, that would be weird.  But do you see my point now? So everyone can stop the whispering and the "OMG, they just made a joke about it" cause we're all grown ups here. 

We're engaged!!

Our first maternity doctor appointment was yesterday at 10am, and we were supposed to get to hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately, we didn't get too because apparently it was too early. We were both pretty disappointed about that, but we go back on the 23rd to hear it and have an ultrasound done. Anyway, after he got home from work, I was starving, so I got out of bed (I was napping) and we went to WalMart. As we were getting in the truck, he asks when Chris is getting the kids, and is clearly disappointed when I tell him he isn't getting them until Saturday evening around 5. So he hands me a gift back and says "I got you a present. May as well give it to you now since this is the only alone time we'll have anytime soon."   I set it aside and tell him "Oh stop, we'll be alone tomorrow night."    When we get back from WalMart, I am even more starving, so I'm trying to hurry and get the groceries put up so I can get something to eat. But he grabs my hand and says "Okay I can't take it anymore, come on. It can't wait."    Being my typical self, I let it be visibly clear that I was frustrated about being interrupted, but go on with him to the bedroom. He shuts the door and hands me the bag...

I sit on the foot of the bed and he hands me the gift bag again. "Open it!"   he says.  I pull all the tissue paper out, and I see a set of plastic baby keys. "Awww, cuuuute! I knew it'd be something baby related."   I go to hug him and he says "There's more stuff in there."   Oops. Okay, so I look, and see a box and some kind of shirt or something underneath the box. My brain doesn't comprehend the box, so I just pulled it out and set it in my lap. Then I see the shirt. I pull it out and it's a baby shirt. He has taken a sharpie marker and drawn a dinosaur on it, and underneath the dinosaur, wrote "Rawr."  It was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen, and I already started imagining the baby wearing it someday, and knowing that it was a homemade (made from the heart) shirt by his/her daddy. But I was interrupted from the mini-daydream by something wrote at the bottom of the shirt... "Turn inside out."




Okay, now I'm confused. Did he draw on the wrong side or something? lol. Poor Kris. I turn the shirt inside out, and see nothing until I turn it around to the other side. Then I see what I'm supposed to be looking for. He has written another message. "Will you?" 

Okay, now I'm really confused... so I ask him, "Will I what?"  I'm clueless.  Have a baby with him? I already am, lol. I look up at him and he's kinda frozen. He has a weird look on his face. Shit, he's feeling dizzy again I bet. (He has been alot here lately.) He reaches down into his pocket and pulls something out, but I don't pay attention to what til he drops down to his knee. (Again, I'm still thinking he's dizzy or something) and he opens his hand and it's a ring box. He looks terrified, and his chin is quivering, but he manages to say in a very shaky voice... "Will you marry me?"     Whaaaaaat?  O.M.G.  I don't remember what I said, if I even said anything at all. I just hugged him and kissed him over and over as he tells me how he's had it planned for a while and nothing went right with the shipping or tracking, and how he wanted to do all this at the doctor's office after we heard the heartbeat, and I just kept hugging him. Then he said,  "I was about to cry. I don't know if you saw that or not."   Of course I did. How I managed to stay dry-eyed, I have NO idea. AT some point he handed me the ring and I put it on my finger while (still) hugging & kissing him, at which point he says, "So is that a yes?"  I just nod my head yes and say, "Of course. Did you think I'd say no?"   Then he confesses that he thought that I might because of the blog, (don't ask) but suddenly none of that mattered anymore. He then told me I did it all wrong. I was supposed to open the box before I went to the shirt. That's when he opens the box for me, and inside was a pretty pearl necklace. Apparently I was supposed to be looking at the necklace and checking it out while he prepared for the moment when I saw the shirt. lol. Oops. Leave it to me to do things backwards. ;)

That's the pearl necklace and the keys, by the way. It was a very beautiful moment until Kylie busts in the bedroom through the closet -- the main door was locked for privacy due to the moment, so she just went through the bathroom and our closet to get in. Brat. He asks if the ring is okay, and well, it's beautiful. It's a marquise cut, with one big stone, and then several stones going around it. Then like if you lay it flat, like on the table or something, on each side between the stone and the band is a heart with a diamond inside the heart. It's perfect. It's just right. And not gold! The picture below doesn't do it justice. At all...

Then suddenly it all made sense -- why he was asking Krystle and Christina about ring carats and stuff like that at the birthday party. Why on the way to the doctor I said something about the Halloween Store and he said "Ring store?"   I was like um, no. lol That's not what I said. And he's been talking about husband stuff lately too. He even watched Bridezilla marathon last week... all that and I still didn't see it coming. Tsk tsk tsk... lol

And so we move on.

I can't recall feeling this lonely, ever. I've always had someone there to talk to about things. And now, all I have is Kris. He is my best friend, hand down. But there are some things I just can't talk to him about and it's those times that I need someone else. Like now.

I know he doesn't understand, and I don't expect him to. He isn't a girl. He's never been through this, so he would have no clue. But the thing is, I do. I have been through this. I know. And because of that, I never should have opened my mouth to him last night.  I'm sure he would have eventually given up and quit asking me what was wrong. It's nothing he did. It's all my fault. I admit it. I knew what I wanted. I know I should have done whatever I needed to do to make sure it happened the way I wanted it to, regardless of how long it took, and lord knows it was gonna take a while... But no, I lived in the moment, and now I have to accept that for what it is.

I love him more than anything. I'd like to think he knows that, but truth is, sometimes I think he doubts it. And I don't know why. I don't feel like I've done anything to make him question it. Yet he still does. I wanted to marry him.  Have kids someday. Be a family. In that order. There were things I wanted to do before we had a baby. Like have a job. A good one. Not WalMart. It was bad enough him making fun of that guy knowing I had an interview there, but then when he was questioning me about my interview at Sears, it made me feel even worse. Like he's ashamed of me working there. He obviously looks down on people that do, otherwise he wouldn't have made that comment about that guy. Do I want to work there? Um, no. Especially not after his comment. But I went to the interview anyway, got hired, and thank God, I'm on the night shift so I won't have to see anyone & no one will even know I work there unless they're told.  Embarrassed or not, I'm going to do it. I'm tired of him stressing about bills and money. And putting stuff on facebook. Jokes or not, he wouldn't be selling his plasma and crap if I was working & making money. He wouldn't have to. So again, my fault.

I wanted us to just spend time together. Its a small issue, but still. Like New Year's Eve. I wanted this NYE to be something special, because we were together, really together. And the balls. I promised him Mardi Gras Balls this year. And now I'm gonna be all huge. Good luck finding a dress to fit me. They can be found, I know. But not any that I'll be able to afford, cause I doubt Rosie's has maternity formals. But how funny would that look if they did? Haha, even a little cute. ;)

But I wanted to be normal. I wanted to get engaged, get married and just be normal before we got pregnant. I tried to tell him this, but he said they were other people's rules, and stupid. Well, maybe so. Maybe it is other people's rules, and stupid to him. But it was important to me. For once, I wanted to do things the right way. The normal way. I didn't want to be another unwed pregnant mother in Alabama. I've been there and done that, just as I have also been a wed mother and pregnant. And the way I was treated was so totally different both times. When you're married, they treat you with more respect. They don't ask you "Do you know who the father is?"  Nah, but they sure did ask when I was pregnant with Riley. And they did it this time too. Twice so far. I hate that, being treated that way. But here I go again... And I'm already sick of everyone asking me "Are yall gonna get married now?"  and getting weird looks when I say no.  I don't want to get married now just because I'm pregnant. Cause that's romantic, right? Nah, I wanted to get married because he wanted to marry me-because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me-not because Oops, we're having a baby. And that's how it'd feel right now even if he did ask. Like he was only doing it because of everyone pressuring him, or asking about it. So in a weird contradiction, as bad as I wanted to marry him, I don't want to marry him right now. Cause then I wouldn't know what the rel reason was for him asking. And because I'd be "that" girl, the one who gets the sympathy proposal. Cause everyone would know we were only getting married because of this. Besides, I refuse to wear a wedding dress with a 10 mile wide stomach. Well, unless we did it redneck themed and all the groomsmen wore camo and the girls wore orange dresses. Okay, no... lol

He thinks now I'm not happy about this baby, and well, that's not true at all. I am very happy. I mean, walking around knowing I'm growing his baby inside me is an amazing feeling. This is what we talked about, what we dreamed about. And now it's real. It's here, and happening. I just get a little down when I think of the little things that are affected. I mean yeah, so I had this whole vision I had in my head of how I wanted things to be & its gone now, but that's okay. I've accepted that part. It's just the little things... like the other day he was asking about the puppy's last name, if it'd be Lambert or Adams.  I didn't even know they had last names. But then it made me think of how I'm sure this same question will come up regarding the baby. And I hate that. It shouldn't be a question. It shouldn't have to be asked. Babies get their parents' last name, duh. And then I remember we have different ones. That's when I get down. And like when him & his mom were talking about the insurance for when he/she is born--putting it on his insurance. And him talking about filing it on his taxes. Its those things. They're little, but they shouldn't even be issues in a normal world.

I guess it just sucks because I've watched other people in this situation and I always swore I'd never let myself fall into that position, and yet I just have. Like Nickett & Lee. They have 2 kids. Been together for 15 years. Fifteen. He has never asked her to marry him. They discussed getting married one time. Planned out a cruise, and was gonna get married on the ship. She was so excited and happy about it. And I was so happy for her. Yet, it never happened. Instead, they ended up having another kid and that's all that changed... And then there's sarah & David. Same situation. They're together, they live together, they have a kid together. Then they have another kid together. Always discuss marriage. But never a proposal. And from a girl's point of view, that's depressing. Its like the guy just saying "I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But marriage is just a big commitment and I don't know if I'm ready for that."  But having babies isn't?? Bringing a child into the world together isn't a big commitment, and you're ready for that apparently.- how is that? I don't know, its dumb I guess. But to me its like just saying you're good enough to have my kids and live with me and pretend to be a family and all, but not good enough to actually marry and be a real one. And that's how I feel now. Especially when he made the comment last night after i tried to talk to him about all this... He said, "I'm sorry I can't give you the life you wanted." Enough said. I just got up and walked out after that. I went to the bedroom & cried til I was nauseous and my eyes were swollen. Then decided fuck it--if this is how it is, this is how it is. I'll accept it. Mainly because I have no other choice. lol.

How did [this] happen?

Damnit to hell, what was I thinking? I somehow caught myself thinking entirely too much about getting married, which isn't a bad thing at all, because I am completely and hopelessly in love with this man, but damnit. Thinking led to more thinking, which led to looking. Looking at wedding stuff. As if I needed to do that. Ugh.

Not ugh as in gross. It's not gross. It's just, I don't know. Annoying. That's what.

I tried to keep quiet about it at first. And damn if we didn't start talking about it one night laying in the bed, and then it just went from there. Once I knew he really actually wanted to marry me, my head just went all retarded. I have successfully ignored the urges to buy damn Bride magazines (yay me!) but ignoring the internet is alot harder, especially since Google is free. After reading Ginger & Ashley's stuff on FB, I googled Davids Bridal and came across a gorgeous dress, which I saved to my computer. WHY? I have no effin clue.  But I even told Kara about it. And then worse, I told Kris. (WTF Niki?!) Um... He wanted to see it. (Wait, what?) Yeah, he wanted to see it. That's not the response I should have gotten. He should have seemed weirded out. Or told me to quit looking at that stuff. Then I'd be fine right now. But noooo.

Today... today it got way worse. Because of his reaction, I decided to show him the dress via Skype. And he liked it. Started talking about me wearing the dress, walking down the aisle, saying "I do"... damnit Kris! NO! Wrong reaction. (Shit.) Because then I started looking at more dresses. And showing him. Then he starts showing me dresses Ashley has chosen (which annoys me because its pretty much just like mine, but black, which is actually an idea I'd had as well, not knowing she did of course) and asks if I've looked at other things like rings and stuff. I laugh to myself and tell him no, that there is no reason to look at all that mess right now. (I am secretly proud of myself for not looking at those things actually.)  Until he says I should. Ugghhh.

So what did I do? I looked.  And started saving pics.  Fuck me.  I did find the black wedding band he talked about wanting a while back, and showed him that pic. And then, before he could have a chance to say he wanted our rings to match, I showed him a pc of the matching female ring. lol. Then, seeing how the engagement ring & wedding band should match, I got curious of how I'd find a black engagement ring and had an idea--black sapphire, or topaz or even an onyx. (Cool!) So I tell him (he's home from work by now) and he says "Oh that's what Ashley wants."  Motherfucker. Seriously? How the hell am I supposed to know that. Apparently I should have the ability to read her mind, cause we can't be like Ashley and Kenneth, naturally...

Then I realize how irritated I had started to get over all this and silently scold myself for it, reminding myself that I have no business even looking at or even thinking about any of this mess right now, whereas Ashley actually does. Well damnit.

So now I am admitting that I am thinking about it way too much and I don't exactly know how to NOT think about it, or stop looking at stuff. It's not even the whole fantasy fairy-tale wedding aspect of it either. I mean yeah, that's gonna be alot of fun too, but even if we don't have a real wedding, it doesn't matter. I just really want to marry him. I'm in love with him and I want the world to know I belong to him. I want him to be mine. Completely.

So the point of this blog? I have no clue. To vent maybe, and to get it off my chest how big of an idiot I think-- know --Im being about all of this.

Blah.

A year full of learning experiences.

So these surveys keep asking if I've changed in the past year. And if I've learned any life lessons. I started answering those questions, and my answers turned into paragraphs, and I realized that it was just too much to put in a survey, so I simply stated, "read the blog." So here goes.


I have changed alot in the past year. Alot. This time last year, I was fighting feelings I had. I was unemployed. Married, but stuck in "roommate status" for what seemed like would be forever. I was completely miserable with my life, yet lacked the motivation to change it. And to be completely honest, lacked the courage as well. But after a few hearts being broken, I realized it was time to make a change, one way or another, and so I did.


The first thing I did was a very small thing, so it seemed. But to me, its significance was enormous: I bought myself a ring. A ring that you've all seen by now. It says on the outside, "Love Life" and engraved on the inside, "Be Brave." It was my inspiration. It was what I looked at every time I felt like things were impossible. It was what I wanted to live by. I wanted to love my life.. but I knew what had to be done to do that, which in turn meant I had to be brave.


A year later, I am a new person. I have a new attitude, a new outlook on life. I have a new relationship status. I am officially divorced as of Tuesday, June 23rd, but definitely not available. I have a new address that I share with Kris, the person that helped me become who I am. I have my kids. I have a good day-shift job that allows me to be home with my kids like I should be. I have a new car that, okay, I didn't buy--he bought it for me while I was at work, but I'll be paying for it. I am currently looking into taking some online college classes. But most importantly, I have a smile pretty much permanently implanted on my face. I have less stress, and a much more relaxed personality. I am happy. And in the process, I learned alot of things, which I'll now get into, one at a time. Some I'll explain, and some I won't. Sometimes things need no explanation - they just kinda explain themselves. And sometimes, it's just best if you don't explain at all.


I learned that good things do happen if you believe enough. That it may take time. Lots of time. Sometimes, almost a year. And that you may want to give up. But you just have to keep believing. Find that one piece of hope and inspiration, and hang on to it with everything you've got. And when the time is right, it will happen. Because in the end, timing is everything and planning is nothing.


I learned that, despite what I said so many times before, that everything does happen for a reason. I even wrote a blog about it once, naming all the reasons why I felt that way. But for every reason I didn't believe, the answers have come. Sometimes horrible things happen to you in order to save it from happening to someone else -- someone who is less able to mentally/physically deal with it. And then there are times when something happens, and you just can't seem to find a reason for it to save your life, any reason at all. But even then, even when it seems hopeless, there is always a reason hiding somewhere. The most horrible thing that happened to me turned out to be the best thing that could've ever happened. I didn't know it at the time, and if you would've tried to tell me that, I would have probably tried to kill you. No, seriously, I might have. All I knew was that I hated life, everything in it, and everyone in it. But when Chris told me it was that thing happening that made him know he had to let me go, then it changed the way I felt about the whole thing. Because had that thing not happened, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be with him.


I learned that miracles do exist. The above paragraph is one of the reasons, and while I know most of you had no clue what I was talking about, its okay. You weren't meant to. It's just funny though. I told someone in an email one night how I felt about alot of things, and what I wished would happen even though I didn't figure it would anytime soon, and then said, using these exact words, "I need a miracle." And I kid you not, it was the very next day, that I heard the words that changed my life. I got my miracle. He told me to go for it. And so I did. Cautiously, because I thought it was a trick, but I did. Miracles do exist. You just have to believe and never give up. Not just in love, but in all aspects of life. Like someone being blessed with a child through adoption. An amazing, beautiful, happy child that lights up the entire room just by being in it. Not only is she herself a miracle, but she is a miracle to her parents, and everyone in her new family, just as they are a miracle to her. Because where would she be if she wasn't with them? Miracles do happen. Mainly when you least expect them, as long as you believe.


And in doing so, I learned that love does conquer all. No matter how much heartache you have to endure... no matter how much pain you're put through... no matter how many times it seems hopeless, like it's just never going to happen... no matter how many times you're told that it's just not meant to be... love will make it through. It won't be easy. It will be hard as hell at times, and there will be fighting involved sometimes. Feelings may get hurt and hearts may get bruised. But true love will always win in the end. When two people love each other completely and never stop believing in each other, then love will conquer it all in the end.


I learned that the people you think will always be there are the ones that will let you down the most and turn your back when you need them, and that the ones that come in behind them and pick up the broken pieces are not the ones you'd ever expect it to be. It was those people and those times that I learned how strong I was, and how much stronger I could be. They pointed out alot of things in me that I had lost sight of, both good and bad. I learned that I can be my own person and that it shouldn't matter who does/doesn't like me for it. A girl at work shared this quote the other day in class that seems appropriate right about now : "Be yourself -- everyone else is taken." And while 'myself' was someone who used to be bitchy, mean, sour, and complained alot, even let people walk all over me... Well alot has changed in my life that has changed me as a person, and all I can do is be me, who I am now, and hope that everyone sees the difference. The ones that can, and do, will be in my life. And the ones who don't, or won't even take the time to try, aren't really worth my time in the end anyway.


Sure, I miss the way alot of things are with alot of people, but I can't change it alone. All I can do is make an effort to talk to and spend time with them and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, then it just doesn't. It's sad, but I'll be okay. I won't chase anyone down and bug them about hanging out or whatever until they give in. I want you to spend time with me because you want to, and not any other reason. I haven't chased anyone or been overly-friendly to anyone since the big blow-up several months ago, and that's a good thing in the end. Everyone had their "I'm out" card, and they decided what to do with it, whether to keep it or toss it. Some are still deciding, it seems. And that's okay too. Just know that you aren't the only ones making decisions about it.


The main thing I learned though, was what combines everything in this blog together --
what's meant to be will always find a way. <3


On another note... yesterday was my Dad's birthday. And for the first time since he died in 1993, I saw him. I borrowed a home video from Mamaw, and while he was only on there twice in like 5 second clips, I still saw him. And much to my amazement, he was exactly as I remembered him. He didn't speak in the videos, but I remember his voice in my head. It just would've been nice to hear it. Especially on his birthday. I was exactly how I always am on that day - moody and withdrawn - which irritated me. Every year I say I won't be that way next time, but I always am. But I had two people help me through it. Thank you, Kris and Chris, for that. I promise I'll do better in October.