Happy First Birthday, Zoey.

One year ago today, I was giving birth early to a miracle baby named Zoey. Zoey means "life." That's why we chose it, & it's fit since that day.
She was 4lb 8oz, with lungs full of fluid, and we were told she never would have made it until Friday when Dr. Lewis was going to do the c-section due to no changes in her growth. (That was a scary moment of realization, and I thank God for Dr. Trammell going with her gut on this. Also, because she said my uterus was so incredibly thin, going into labor on my own would have ruptured it for sure, killing both of us. She said it was so thin, it was like a window - you could see right through it, and she said she'll never forget that the rest of her life.) She was in an oxygen tent & on an IV for most of the first 24 hours of her life, and I didn't get to hold her until the next day.The hospital stay was pretty rough, and exhausting in a way I'd never known. Then we finally got to come home with a UV blanket for her jaundice.
Since then, she's experienced a lot. We knew about the hole in her heart since the 20 wk ultrasound during pregnancy, which they told us would close by birth, but then but found at her 6 month old cardiology appt that not only had it still not closed, there were actually two holes. Then, less than 2 weeks later, she was admitted to the hospital for a few days because we couldn't keep her awake. It was a terrifying time. Several tests, xrays, cathether, colonoscopy, bloodwork and other pokes and prods later, they determined it was intussusception - where part of her intestines gets sucked up inside the other part. But, being the trooper she is, she made it through that too and was back to her happy little self in no time. She's still pretty tiny for her age...she's exactly 17 lbs, no ounces. She just held her own bottle and fed herself for the first time four days ago, and still can't eat 'big people' foods, and she definitely doesn't sleep through the night. But to me, she's absolutely perfect and she hasn't let any of that bother her. She's probably the happiest-natured baby I've ever had.

Happy birthday Fattles.  I'm gonna go sob in a corner now. 

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery..."

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."   That's what they say.

I say, MY ASS.  I say, whoever 'they' are that said that is stupid, and is probably the one doing all the imitating. Because no one who has ever been copied (excuse me, imitated) finds it flattering.
They find it pure fucking irritating. Or at least I DO.

Having someone imitate me - whether it be my fashion sense, my creativeness and the things I make, my hairstyle or color, my work, even my pictures, and sometimes just my personality in general - is annoying. Because every time someone imitates me, I LOSE A PART OF WHAT MAKES ME ORIGINAL.

And that pisses me off.

It's not flattering to me for someone to say "I want to be like you" whether they say it out loud or say with their actions. (Unless I gave birth to you, then by all means, you're pretty much entitled to be like me. Maybe not entitled, more like doomed.) I don't want people to be like me, in any way whatsoever. If I did, I would try to blend in. I try to stand out for a reason. I like being me. Respect that, and be your own person. It's okay to be inspired by someone, but do your own thing.

For the love of God, do your own thing. Stop doing mine. Leave what little bit of 'me' I have left, alone.

Time to reflect...

I'm not even sure where to start with this one, so I'm sure it'll be all over the place. Just bear with me. (Or is it bare with me? I wouldn't think so, that makes me feel like I'm asking you to get naked with me, and I'm not...) I was working on some Easter and wedding orders this morning since Kollin isn't here and listening to my iPod on shuffle, and came across a song that made me stop working and cry for a minute. Not a sad cry, but a happy, humble, grateful cry. It was tears of realization that I am loved.

"You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out & crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think, "What's in it for me?" or "That's way too far..."
They just show on up, with their big ol' heart
You find out who your friends are."  

I'm only 11 weeks, 2 days into this pregnancy and already, it's been a huge learning experience. They say every pregnancy is different and sure, they are, but this one is really taking the cake. And if it weren't for certain people cheering me on and checking on me constantly, I don't know how I'd have survived it this far. No, I'm not being extreme or exaggerating, and I don't expect you to understand if you aren't one of those people because you most likely have no clue what's going on with me. The ones I thought would be here, have kinda vanished. No more dinner invites or texts, or anything for that matter. (Like pregnancy is a disease they could catch if they're around me.) Whatever though, live your life. I'm happy with mine. Just don't expect to pick up where we left off.

Then there's the other people. The ones who I've just met in the past year, some just in the past few months, and they have come to mean more to me than people I've known for years. Why? Because friendship is more than margaritas at the mexican place. It's being there when you're needed, even when I post statuses saying to leave me alone. It's the ones who dig through my rough outer shell to see the real me inside, and then love me anyway. They are the ones who matter most. They haven't taken no for an answer. They can tell the difference between a genuine "I'm fine" and a fake one, and refuse to accept it until I spill the beans, and then they comfort me. They come and get my kids when they know I'm sick or just need a couple hours to rest. They randomly drop off food because they know the smell of it cooking is too much, and feel bad for my poor kids being forced to eat sandwiches lol. They send me texts that say they're just thinking of me, or they love me, just because. They always check on me, even the ones not even close to me, (or in a completely different state!) to see if I need anything. I always say no regardless, because I can have Kris bring it home after work, but it's nice to know they care enough to offer. It's basically just an overwhelming (in a good way) support system, and I am so lucky to have each and every one of them in my life. I truly love you guys.

"Perhaps it's not blood bonds that make us family. It's the people who know our secrets and love us anyway, that are our family."  -- Gossip Girl.  (Yes, I just went there.)  

This has nothing of interest being said.

Guess who is bored? This girl. Soooo, I'm gonna write about some random things. Ready, set, go!

I want an adventure. A road trip would be fun. Or a slumber party with the girls. I'd love that. I just need something spontaneous to happen, something fun. 

I will definitely have a pool this summer. If I have to, I'll put it on layaway at Toys'R'Us and get it that way. And believe me, if you don't come over to hang out with me now, you sure as heck won't be then. Shady.

I sure wish my boots would come in sometime this year. I've been waiting forever. Okay technically not, seeing how I just ordered them Sunday and its only Tuesday but ugggh. I'm NOT a patient person. Never have been, never will be.

Kollin standing up already scares me. I don't want this to fly by. He might be my last one, so I want it to go slow. And I don't want him to get teeth. He's so cute with his toothless adorable grin. I need to get pictures of him made now that he can sit up, and I need to do it like asap. We need to get family pics made.

I miss the pink in my hair. I could put it back in, sure. But I miss being the only one with pink in their hair. Now anywhere you go, someone has it. Copycats. Okay maybe they're not copycats. It just means I was cool first. Hehe. :D

I'm super ready to experiment on formal dresses. I just have to figure out this zipper issue first. I'm kinda intimidated by the zipper, I won't even lie. But I promise within the next week, I will make myself create something with a zipper. Maybe a skirt. I don't know yet.

I want a massage. Yeah, a full body rubdown massage, like on tv.

"On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese. I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed..."   
Does anyone else remember that song from elementary school? They don't teach kids that stuff anymore, and that's kinda sad. .Useless fact: Wilmer Valderama is the voice of Handy Manny. (He's the one who played Fez on 'That 70s Show.')

I don't get why some people think clowns are scary. I'll admit, some are a little creepy looking, but they aren't scary. Like when I was a kid, I watched Killer Klowns From Outer Space, and I giggled. Laughed, even, cause it was funny to me, even at 9 years old. Nothing about that movie was scary, even though it was supposed to be.

I want to have another 80's party. It was fun dressing in all 80s clothes and listening to all 80s music. I know some people aren't too sure how the 80s people dressed (which is weird cause alot of it has come back into style, but that's a whole 'nother story.) But me, I grew up in the 80s. I was born in 1980 itself, so I'm a classic. ;)

Now, referring to the previous unfinished sentence - just because some things are in style doesn't mean you should wear it in public. And even some things that aren't in style shouldn't be worn in public unless it is for a specific cause. For example, spandex. Please do not wear spandex unless you're doing some kind of athletic activity such as going to the gym, doing a walk or run, going to yoga or Zumba, etc. Going to the mall in your spandex shorts does not qualify. Please put on real clothes, even if you have a supermodel body. It's just weird.

Gretchen Wilson said in her song "I keep my Christmas lights up on my front porch all year long." People make fun of other people who do that. Why? Clearly, the person who makes fun of it never had to hang them and then take them down every year. It just makes sense to leave them up there.

I'd love to go back to Stone Mountain and hike back down that volcano again. That was amazing. I wish we would've had more time that day. It was truly a beautiful place, so calm and peaceful, and the air seemed so much cleaner.

I absolutely LOVE being back with Sprint. I don't miss anything about at&t at all. I love this phone. It blows my iPhone out of the water and makes it seem like a toy. There are so many more apps, so much more areas of customization, and my favorite part-- the bill is cheaper for all the same features we had with at&t, and then some.

I love my job. I love being able to work when I want, and not work when I don't want to. Okay that's not completely true because sometimes people will order something and say they need it in a few days. What does that mean for me? Stop, drop, and sew. And not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm getting sooo good at what I do. I started off doing this cause Kollin needed something to wear for our wedding, and when it turned out so cute, Kris told me I needed to list it for sale. I didn't think anyone would want one, but I posted one for sale June 24th. 2 days later the orders came rolling in and they haven't stopped yet. I've branched out into so many different things besides the tuxedos -- baby pants, baby suspender onesies, Mario, Luigi and Wario hats, boyshorts, baby and adult skirts, adult pajama & lounge pants, hobo bags, clutch purses, toddler outfits, tutu skirts... all kinds of things. I don't care if I never become famous for it. But I take it seriously, so you should too. I don't do this for free, because the materials (fabric, thread, buttons, ribbon, etc) isn't free, and neither is my time. So if you tell me you want me to make you something, please be serious about it the same way you would if I were a stranger. Cause I'm all business when it comes to my work.

I've been super nostalgic lately, reminiscing on old memories and good times in the past. There's so much I miss about the old days. Some of the traditions we had, some of the friends that have come and gone, places that no longer exist. If I was a songwriter, I'd totally write a song. But I'm not, so instead I write the memories on people's walls. :)

I'm terribly sad that this is One Tree Hill's last season. What am I supposed to watch when it's over? Sigh.

Does anyone know where to buy Jones Cream Soda in the bottle? (Not the can. I'm picky, it doesn't taste the same.) I used to love it but I can't seem to find it anymore and that makes me incredibly sad. Some gas stations have Jones sodas in the bottle but not the Cream soda. Every other flavor under the sun, sure. Just not the one I want.

Me and my LJ have become reacquainted again. I like that. Alot. I had gotten out of the writing phase for a while there, but I'm happy to be back in it again.

I for real have fallen majorly in love with the Hannah Montana show. Way too late, I know. But better late than never, right? The sad part is, none of the kids were even home when I started watching it. (Well, Kollin was but he doesn't count. He only cares about watching Mickey Mouse.)  I just caught a marathon and it sucked me in because I was too lazy to get the remote and turn it.  I now feel like I need to see the Hannah movies. Anyone got them? Don;t offer to let me borrow them if you do, cause it'll take me forever to return them. Bush let me borrow her first 3 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. Sue and I started watching it. We made it to the 6th episode of the first season. Things happened, and I have yet to even attempt to resume watching it alone. I should return them to Bush, if I ever see her, cause I know I'll never get around to watching it. I don't like watching anything alone. I like having someone there with me to discuss it as we watch.

Thanks for reading this. You must have been bored. I said absolutely nothing of real importance, but I warned you. Know what that means? I have just taken probably 5-7 minutes of your life that you will never get back again. Hehe..!

Deep breath... and here we go.

I've been keeping my thoughts to myself for a while now, thinking things might change. Giving you the benefit of a doubt. Cause of course I want things to be different. I wanted it so bad. But I am saying right here, right now, that I am giving up. I don't care anymore. I don't care what you do, where you go, who you do it with... but just know that I won't be there to be a part of it. And neither will my kids. I refuse to submit them to what I had to grow up in. They deserve better than that. Better than you. So do Destiny and Brittany, but you don't care about them or anyone else. You never have, except for yourself. It's sad, my kids love you so much, and it hurts to have to take them out of your life because of choices you've made, but one day they'll understand. Hell, Riley already does. He comments on you being drunk all the time. He's 11 years old, he shouldn't see the things he sees when he's around you. I thought, really thought - that maybe seeing how you DIED and got brought back to life by EMTs that you would look at life a little differently. That maybe you might want to actually LIVE for a change instead of drinking yourself away. But no, I guess not. I was wrong. I let you come to the birthday party because I wanted to see for myself how you were. But after you called me the other night, drunk, asking for money.. that was it for me. I'm done with you unless you can get some help. Some real help. This includes holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. I refuse to have my kids around you. Or rather, to have you around my kids. I've brushed it off all these years, but I just can't do it anymore. You want to kill yourself by drinking, fine. Go for it. But I won't be around to see it and neither will your grandchildren. I love you, but I don't like you. I don't even know who you are anymore.

Cause these places and these faces are getting old...

I absolutely hate that I haven't wrote since I found out I was pregnant and got engaged. But hell, I just don't have the time between everything else. I'll finish my TP orders and think "okay now I can write" but then Kollin is ready to eat or wants to play, and I can't say no to that cute chunky face. And lord knows when the kids are here, I can't concentrate. I do good to write out a FB status. lol.

Speaking of Teeny Punks, I am still kinda amazed at its progress. I posted one thing on Etsy on June 24th because Kris insisted, thinking "no one's gonna buy this, but whatever." I just wanted him to hush about it. But 2 days later I got an order, and here it is almost 4 months later and I just got my 103rd order! Hence the amazed feeling. It's cool seeing the things I make, and how good they turn out. But it's an unexplainable feeling when someone else likes it enough to buy it and put their kid in it. And some even send pics. That is my favorite part, hands down. It'd be nice if my family thought it was cool. They don't even acknowledge it at all actually. They never even mention it, as though it doesn't exist, but whatever. They're all a bunch of skunk sacs anyway. Kris and Nickett are my number one fans/supporters. Kris, by default of course. He sure loves me. And Nickett, I don't know why, because she doesn't have babies or even toddlers in the age range I currently make these things for, (although she did have me make a cheerleader uniform for Carmen.) But I sure do love her for it. She's always trying to help promote it, and advertise for me. I've got to get my business license or sellers permit or whatever I need to get, I don't know really. I just know I need to get it soon so I don't get in legal trouble. Holli told me what all I need to do, but I have no clue where to even start, or how much it will all cost.

My life lately has been soooo drama free lately and I can't be happier about that. I guess maybe I'm growing up a little more and realizing that even though I miss some of my friends, I don't need them in my life. That they have negative impacts on me even if I don't realize it. I mean sure, we have good, fun times together. But I'm over the whole shit-show every time someone gets pissy. It's like a double standard, and it's not fair. If you piss me off, I'll tell you why and then I'll let it go, the end. But if I piss someone off, they gotta resort to cussing me out, calling me all kind of nasty names and telling me how they really feel about me. Its always the same. Time will pass and they'll start talking to me again and tell me 'well you know I didn't mean it, I was just mad', etc. But screw that. You meant what you said so don't try to take it back. Sure it'd be easier to keep the peace and be friends again, but frankly I don't see how that's fair to me. It's been said several times recently that I'm -- and I quote -- "a selfish ungrateful bitch" -- I still have the texts in my phone. So why would I even want to be friends with people who feel that way about me? I don't deserve that kind of treatment by someone who is supposed to be my friend, and I won't settle for it. As far as keeping the peace, we'll see each other at events quite frequently, I know this. But I am mature enough to be polite and civil as though all is fine. But I don't need to be friends to keep the peace, knowing that you'd just get pissed at me again someday and there we go all over again, you throwing all my faults in my face, even when they're irrelevant to what you're pissed at me about. I see all your faults too. There's things you do that pisses me off too. Do I throw it in your face when I'm mad at you? No, because it's stupid and dramatic and I'm past all that. Do I miss these friends? Hmmm. Yes and no. I miss the fun times we had together.  But I don't miss them making me feel like shit because I had an opinion, or got mad about something they would've gotten mad about if situation were reversed. I no longer feel the pressure to start a conversation up just so I don't get the 'I haven't heard from you in days, what's your deal'  text. Cause that works both ways. Point is, I'm at peace with the whole situation. And I'm not referring to just one person here, let me clarify that.

And while we're on the whole friendship rant, let me throw this on out there... I am no longer going to be the glue that tries to hold everyone together. Seems like I'm always the one inviting people to lunch dates, to our house for dinner or just to hang out. Any time there's some kind of event, I always try to make sure I include everyone. Not because I don't want to deal with pissy attitudes about them not being invited (okay maybe that too) but mainly because I like having all of my friends together on a regular basis.  But it seems sometimes like I'm the only one who cares. Like, if I didn't invite people to lunch or to the house for whatever reason, then I wouldn't see them. So, I quit. Here I am. If you want to see me, invite me to do something. Or call and be like 'hey, I wanna come over and hang out if that's cool.'  Some days I just wake up and wanna tell Kris to try to get that job in SC, that maybe moving away wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. That would make his day. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know. But new places and new faces could be good for me. Hell maybe I just need a vacation.

And one more thing, on a lighter note. Possibly awkward for you, but that's why I'm writing it. It was brought to my attention Saturday night that the love triangle comes up alot lately in conversation. And as drunk as I was, I thought about it and realized that yes--yes it does. Is that awkward for me? Nope. If it was, we wouldn't be in the place we are now, any of us. Is it awkward for Kris? Nope. Is it awkward for Jeannie? Nope. She even told Trey about it. So my question is, why is it awkward for anyone else? I mean, it's US that it happened to. A long time ago even. And we got past it. Enough so, that we can talk about it in conversation just like anything else. It's a part of the past. It happened, just like alot of other things, so there's no use hiding it, not talking about it, and pretending like it didn't. Truth is, it was the best thing that could've happened, and I've told them both that. Because it took that happening to open Lambert's eyes and make him see just how much in love with Kris I was, and he let me go 'before it was too late.'  I know this because he told me himself. Anyway, for whatever reason, everyone is still very awkward about the whole thing and I don't get why. So I figure if we talk about it and make people see that we aren't awkward about it, then maybe they'll relax and quit acting like it's a big deal. I mean, it's not like he's a polygamist and we're both his wives. Or hell, its not like we sit around and compare sexual experiences like what positions we got in and stuff, cause yeah okay, that would be weird.  But do you see my point now? So everyone can stop the whispering and the "OMG, they just made a joke about it" cause we're all grown ups here. 

We're engaged!!

Our first maternity doctor appointment was yesterday at 10am, and we were supposed to get to hear the heartbeat. Unfortunately, we didn't get too because apparently it was too early. We were both pretty disappointed about that, but we go back on the 23rd to hear it and have an ultrasound done. Anyway, after he got home from work, I was starving, so I got out of bed (I was napping) and we went to WalMart. As we were getting in the truck, he asks when Chris is getting the kids, and is clearly disappointed when I tell him he isn't getting them until Saturday evening around 5. So he hands me a gift back and says "I got you a present. May as well give it to you now since this is the only alone time we'll have anytime soon."   I set it aside and tell him "Oh stop, we'll be alone tomorrow night."    When we get back from WalMart, I am even more starving, so I'm trying to hurry and get the groceries put up so I can get something to eat. But he grabs my hand and says "Okay I can't take it anymore, come on. It can't wait."    Being my typical self, I let it be visibly clear that I was frustrated about being interrupted, but go on with him to the bedroom. He shuts the door and hands me the bag...

I sit on the foot of the bed and he hands me the gift bag again. "Open it!"   he says.  I pull all the tissue paper out, and I see a set of plastic baby keys. "Awww, cuuuute! I knew it'd be something baby related."   I go to hug him and he says "There's more stuff in there."   Oops. Okay, so I look, and see a box and some kind of shirt or something underneath the box. My brain doesn't comprehend the box, so I just pulled it out and set it in my lap. Then I see the shirt. I pull it out and it's a baby shirt. He has taken a sharpie marker and drawn a dinosaur on it, and underneath the dinosaur, wrote "Rawr."  It was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen, and I already started imagining the baby wearing it someday, and knowing that it was a homemade (made from the heart) shirt by his/her daddy. But I was interrupted from the mini-daydream by something wrote at the bottom of the shirt... "Turn inside out."




Okay, now I'm confused. Did he draw on the wrong side or something? lol. Poor Kris. I turn the shirt inside out, and see nothing until I turn it around to the other side. Then I see what I'm supposed to be looking for. He has written another message. "Will you?" 

Okay, now I'm really confused... so I ask him, "Will I what?"  I'm clueless.  Have a baby with him? I already am, lol. I look up at him and he's kinda frozen. He has a weird look on his face. Shit, he's feeling dizzy again I bet. (He has been alot here lately.) He reaches down into his pocket and pulls something out, but I don't pay attention to what til he drops down to his knee. (Again, I'm still thinking he's dizzy or something) and he opens his hand and it's a ring box. He looks terrified, and his chin is quivering, but he manages to say in a very shaky voice... "Will you marry me?"     Whaaaaaat?  O.M.G.  I don't remember what I said, if I even said anything at all. I just hugged him and kissed him over and over as he tells me how he's had it planned for a while and nothing went right with the shipping or tracking, and how he wanted to do all this at the doctor's office after we heard the heartbeat, and I just kept hugging him. Then he said,  "I was about to cry. I don't know if you saw that or not."   Of course I did. How I managed to stay dry-eyed, I have NO idea. AT some point he handed me the ring and I put it on my finger while (still) hugging & kissing him, at which point he says, "So is that a yes?"  I just nod my head yes and say, "Of course. Did you think I'd say no?"   Then he confesses that he thought that I might because of the blog, (don't ask) but suddenly none of that mattered anymore. He then told me I did it all wrong. I was supposed to open the box before I went to the shirt. That's when he opens the box for me, and inside was a pretty pearl necklace. Apparently I was supposed to be looking at the necklace and checking it out while he prepared for the moment when I saw the shirt. lol. Oops. Leave it to me to do things backwards. ;)

That's the pearl necklace and the keys, by the way. It was a very beautiful moment until Kylie busts in the bedroom through the closet -- the main door was locked for privacy due to the moment, so she just went through the bathroom and our closet to get in. Brat. He asks if the ring is okay, and well, it's beautiful. It's a marquise cut, with one big stone, and then several stones going around it. Then like if you lay it flat, like on the table or something, on each side between the stone and the band is a heart with a diamond inside the heart. It's perfect. It's just right. And not gold! The picture below doesn't do it justice. At all...

Then suddenly it all made sense -- why he was asking Krystle and Christina about ring carats and stuff like that at the birthday party. Why on the way to the doctor I said something about the Halloween Store and he said "Ring store?"   I was like um, no. lol That's not what I said. And he's been talking about husband stuff lately too. He even watched Bridezilla marathon last week... all that and I still didn't see it coming. Tsk tsk tsk... lol