And then it was confirmed..

I've been waiting for that call. I knew what she was going to say. I knew from the beginning.

"Hey, it's Dr. Trammell. I got the results of your biopsy, and it's definitely cervical cancer. I know we were all suspecting it, but now that we know, we can move forward. I actually got the results yesterday evening, but didn't want to ruin your Halloween with the kids. I've already sent all of your files over to the oncologists, and they'll be calling you today with an appointment for a consultation, and they'll go over the plan for testing and treatment options with you then." 

I knew from the moment I called and made the appointment. The receptionist scoffed at me when I told her I couldn't wait a few weeks for an appointment, that I needed to be seen asap because I was pretty certain I had cervical cancer. I want to call her back and be like SEE, BITCH? I told you so. But it doesn't matter now. It's in the past. And my only concern now is for the future.

On one hand, I feel validated, and ready to tackle this thing head on. 
I knew I wasn't crazy and making up symptoms. I've known my whole life I was going to have some kind of cancer at some point in my life. Lambert used to have a cancer policy in our health insurance for me. At the time, I remember thinking how weird that was that he would do that. Looking back now, I realize how it was nice that he believed me when I told him I just somehow knew I'd have it someday, and didn't question it. He just prepared. I wish that policy was somehow still active. Anyway, here I am, dealing with the reality that someday is now. Dr. Trammell says they'll probably just cut it out of me and give me my hysterectomy and that's all there is to it since we caught it early. I hope that's the case. I'm ready to just get the show on the road and get all of this behind me and get my life back. I am ready to stop bleeding. Stop hurting. Be normal again.

And on the other, I feel broken and scared. 
What if it's bigger than she thinks? What if it's spread? What if surgery isn't an option and I have to have chemo and radiation? Who will take are of the kids? How in the hell will we pay for it? Like this is real. It's real.

It's cancer and it's inside me and I'm fucking terrified. 

I am going to schedule the appointment for my tattoo now. I'd decided already that once it was confirmed, I was getting a teal cancer ribbon tattooed on my foot so anyone and everyone could see it and ask questions and I could spread awareness about it. No one talks about cervical cancer. But they should. And I'll be the one to tell them.

For now, I've just got to figure out when and how to tell my own kids.